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By T.L. Winslow (TLW)

A Quick History of Islam for History Ignoramuses

By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper (tm)

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Enter an Islam History Ignoramus, Leave an Islam Historyscoper

"To be ignorant of what happened before you were born is to remain always a child." - Cicero (-106 to -43)

"Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it." - George Santayana (1863-1952)

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." - Blaise Pascal (1623-62)

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke (1729-97)

"Tolerance becomes a crime when applied to evil." - Thomas Mann (1875-1955)

"The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"The face of terror is not the true faith of Islam... Islam is peace." - Pres. George Walker Bush (1946)

Westerners are not only known as history ignoramuses, but double dumbass history ignoramuses when it comes to Islam. Since I'm the one-and-only Historyscoper (tm), and my giant spongelike brain is well-versed in all of the last 6K years of world history like nobody else, I could publish a New York Times bestseller and rake in the dough like Sarah Palin, but it's getting so dangerous to wait any longer that I'm doing it for free, so please allow me to quickly bring you Islam history ignoramuses up to speed. There's 1400 years to cover, so expect it to take a couple of hours, so turn off your TVs and other distractions, get serious and relive your past and change your destiny, you can be both beautiful and smart. Knowledge is power, and this is pure concentrated gold bricks, with links provided to check my facts so you don't have to take my word for anything. Sorry if you don't have a giant sponglike brain like me, you'll just have to force yourself to open it up to all this new knowledge and get used to being more aware about the world than you used to be, grin. I have nothing to hide or cover up, rather, I'm trying to uncover the truth. So take the red pill and come down the rabbit hole with me and see how deep it goes. Seriously, this is the most powerful historyscope of Islam yet devised, because Master Historyscoper TLW rules. What is a historyscope? TLW's trademark Internet-powered sequential word map technique for history, laying out the map points, structure and flow in your mind to guide you afterward when you want to go deeper, like a real map does. Muslims will go nonlinear if they read it without permission of their mental overlords, and may try to spread disinformation to keep you from reading it, so enjoy it all the more, it's A-List with Rollover.

It all started with an Arab dude out to do some last minute Christmas shopping named Muhammad (570-632). That much everybody knows, right? The problem is that he lived 1400 years ago, and a lot has happened since he dropped his atomic bomb on the world.

First, a little background. Arabia, his home, had gone throughout history without any foreign power, including the Egyptians, Babylonians, Hittites, Israelites, Greeks, Romans, Byzantines, Persians, Parthians, Germans, anyone ever conquering it, I guess it must be hard to perfect desert warfare on the fly. By the 1st cent. B.C.E. the Arabs of N Arabia developed a special saddle that allowed them to use camels for military purposes, which helped them to control trade in Arabia and earn enough money to buy metal weapons, cinching their sand warfare superiority. The net result by the time Muhammad was born was a bunch of proud camel-riding sheep-herding bedouins, who liked to wear beards and turbans (which originated in Sudan way before Muhammad was born) and swing big swords and eat sheep eyes, and had the ancient code of honor system of An Eye for An Eye and all that jazz. Women were treated like property, as in a man owns so many sheep, so many goats, and so many women, pass the tits, er, sheep eyes. Not that most humans weren't barbarians living under chieftains who were forever at war with neighboring tribes, or slaves of an all-powerful emperor like in China or Persia, or a pharaoh like in Egypt. Civilization started in the East way back around 3,000 B.C. with the Chinese Yellow Emperor (Huang-Di) and the Egyptian Scorpion King, and spread West, but went too far, turning people into insects with no individuality, causing govt. to become a threat not a blessing, an eternal problem that's still with us today and will be with us tomorrow.

Religion naturally started out with worship of everything that moves, then everything that doesn't move, especially elaborate idols that let a professional priesthood live high on the hog, and finally the celestial bodies, too far away to reach and smash like an idol yet able to reach out and touch them, it must have been confusing like when teenies first discover sex and have to get around their parents. Finally Egyptian pharoah Akhenaten (Akhenaton) (d. -1334) (Amenhotep IV) cut to the chase and abandoned polytheism for monotheism, or at least a good approximation, there's no way I'm kissing a frog and being a bug on the same day, see any Walt Disney film. Of course, if you believe the Jewish Torah then the Jews invented it first, indeed, didn't invent it, were taught it, by their god Jehovah, who wouldn't let them have any other gods or they were outa there, and also created the Universe and was holy, meaning untouchable by anything he created, who were all forever too unclean even to see him without instant death, people don't listen, don't take things from strangers. Too bad, he chose the Jews as his people, and only revealed his Bible to them, leaving everybody else in utter darkness without a drop of his crackalackin' mamajama Creator think to give them a clue about how to deal with the Devil, who had a world monopoly on pagan gods and goddesses, deal with the Devil, who had a world monopoly on pagan gods and goddesses, who were really his demons in disguise, how can something so little do something so big. Even the Egyptians, who had monotheism were so clueless that they took the Sun as the chariot of God and thought that their pharoah was the Sun of, er, son of the Sun, which is the meaning of the name Rameses (Ra-Moses), and figured that since the Moon kills the Sun each night, which is then reborn, and the winter kills the summer each year, which is then reborn, worthy, especially godlike people should also be reborn or resurrected, but since they didn't know squat about science, they thought that resurrection required the dried husk to be preserved in a giant pyramid complete with food, clothes, weapons, tools and slaves, defacing Egypt while consuming humongous manpower that could have been used to advance science and technology, so that Egypt spun around in a hamster cage for millennia until Persia conquered it in 525 B.C.E. At least Egypt didn't have racism, that seems to have been invented later, partly fueled by a feeling that Egypt started its downward slide when it let blacks become pharaohs, but I'm digressing. Did I mention Moses? The Bible claims he was an Egyptian prince who moled into the nobility even though he was really a Hebrew and was planted as an infant using the old floating reed basket trick, then decided to come out and show that Jehovah could kick any Egyptian god's ass with his hands tied behind his back and create a New World Order complete with the Ten Commandments and a whole new religion that requires males to have their foreskins sacrified to Jehovah, sounds gay but it's not, it was in place of their entire bodies, if you believe their version that is, maybe the Egyptians taught the Jews monotheism and circumcision too, and they made it all up, but I'm digressing again. Although Moses liberated his Hebrew nation from the Egyptians, they ended up wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years after being bad and creating a Golden Calf, and Moses died having never set foot in the Promised Land of Israel, after which the 200-to-400-year Period of the Judges followed, sex should be the last thing on your mind.

Not that there wasn't some civilization in the Arabian Peninsula, in the south, AKA Yemen, which ancient Greek geographer Ptolemy described as "Arabia Felix" (Happy Arabia). It had six straight civilizations between the 12th cent. B.C.E. and 6th cent. C.E., when Islam messed it up permanently. The famous Queen of Sheba (Hebrew for promise or oath, coincidentally the name of King David's babe Bathsheba, whose name means daughter of promise) described in the Jewish Bible might have been from there, or from Axum in nearby Ethiopia, which is what the modern Ethiopians believe, their kings long claiming descent from Jewish #1 king Solomon (allegedly from the Hebrew word shalom for peace, although those in the know think it's really Sol-Om-On, the Sun, Moon, and Stars or Venus) through her when she visited Jerusalem once around 1000 B.C.E. and he knocked her up, he couldn't resist hot shebas, which would even have been more interesting if she were black, beats jail. The Ethiopian story is that he gave her a tour of his rich palace to wow her, then waited until she touched one of his treasures to jump her bones, telling her that gives him the right to touch her treasures, beoming the #1 Jewish pickup line. Allegedly Solomon at first disowned his half-breed son, then embraced him and sent him back with the Lost Ark of the Covenant, see the Steven Spielberg movie and see what a history ignoramus he is. Solomon was the son of King David ("beloved"), who ruled the kingdom of Israel from the Holy City of Jerusalem (Salem) ("peace") (same as Islam?), which was founded way back in 2300 B.C.E. or earlier by the Canaanite (Hittite?) (Hurrian?) (Amorite?) Jebusites (Shem and Eber, ancestors of Abraham?) on the ridge of the Judean Mts., surrounded by thick green forests of almond, olive and pine trees, and went on to be sieged 40 times, destroyed or partially destroyed 32 times, and change hands 26 times, ending up divided with walls and fences from May 1948 to June 1967, some city of peace. You see, it and the Middle East have been the home of the wonderful Semitic race ever since being allegedly populated by the descendants of Noah's son Shem (Hebrew for name, but also somebody's fame or essential reality, as in the Messiah's shem is Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, etc.), which is why they're called Semites, they're all hung up on who they is. The Hebrew word for Arab is 'rab, which means a mixed multitude, not pure like them Jews. Too bad, Solomon, the smartest and richest Jewish king of all time had one weakness, poontang, which got him in trouble with Jehovah, and after he died the kingdom of Israel agreed to disagree and split into the northern kingdom of Israel based in Samaria and the southern kingdom of Judah based in Jerusalem, and in 722 B.C.E. the Assyrians conquered the northern kingdom and sent the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel into captivity in Khorason in W Afghanistan and E Iran, after which it's anybody's guess where they went, ask Mormons Donny and Marie Osmond or trivia king Ken Jennings, could be the difference between life and death, chachacha. Only two tribes were left, Benjamin and Judah, the key line later resulting in Jesus Christ, proving that you know who was guiding the course of his-tory. The landless tribe of Levi that produced the Levites manning Jehovah's temple in Jerusalem was also saved, that's why we have Levi's Jeans today. Too bad, the Jewish religion was a sick intolerant totalitarian theocratic cult that forced everybody to follow a zillion daily rules, actually the 613 Mitzvot (Commandments), with draconian punishments such as stoning for adultery or blasphemy, yet its Bible claimed to be written by the Creator of the Universe via some kind of Ouija Board transmission to special inspired writers, so no wonder that a movement to let everybody be a "spiritual Jew" that didn't have to obey all them rules, especially circumcision, eventually resulted in Christianity, which latched onto the Bible and inherited the holier-than-thou mentality of the Jews even while condemning real Jews for not keeping up with their new improved Savior Christ, I was shocked to be honest with you, whoa, that was my sister. But I'm getting ahead.

Too bad, while the Jews had a king since 1000 B.C.E., the wildass Arabs of the N were split into a bunch of feuding tribes, and there was no king of all of non-Yemen Arabia yet. Religiously, the Arabs were polygamous polytheist pagans, worshiping 360 tribal gods, one for every day of the lunar year, centered in the holy tourist trap town of Mecca (Makkah), where at some unknown murky date around the time of Christ a big black meteorite fell from space, wowing them and causing them to worship it as the Big Black Cube, or, in Arabic, the Kaaba (Kaabah) (Ka'bah) (Qaaba).

Muhammad was born in Mecca in the Year of the Elephant (570 C.E.), where he grew up watching the locals fleece all them pagan polytheist tourists, who agreed to call an annual truce from their neverending Hatfield-McCoy feuds long enough to kiss the cube and drink the bitter water from the nearby (66 ft. to the east) Well of Zamzam (Ishmael) (Ishmail), where they renewed their strength along with their swarthy Ishmaelite complexions and madass Arab ways. Later on, the Muslims tried a coverup and claimed that Mecca was really founded way back around 2000 B.C.E. by none other than Father Abraham (Hebrew for father of a multitude of nations) of Ur in Babylonia, who allegedly set up the Kaaba with the help of his favorite son Isaac, er, Ishmael (Ishmail) (Hebrew for God listens), while teaching the local rubes monotheism, which was later turned back into polytheism by the bad Amalekites, although there is actually no archeological evidence for an ancient city of Mecca before Claudius Ptolemy (90-168) mentions Macoraba in the 2nd cent. C.E., sorry there, Omar Sharif.

The Jews had the Bible, but were into theocracy as well as judges and kings, and the hairy edge of mankind's political future lay in blondeland Greece, where the tradition of the Wild Wild West of independence and individual worth was in the balance as horrible Zoroastrian Persian emperor (-522 to -486) Darius ("maintains possessions well") I the Great (-549 to -486) and his hordes of foot-kissing slaves tried to take it over, only to see why the West is the Best at the Battle of Marathon in 490 B.C.E.. When new horrible Zoroastrian Persian emperor (-485 to -465) Xerxes ("monarch") I the Great (-519 to -465) tried it again, he really got his clock cleaned at the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C.E., where a hastily-assembled force of 7K Greek freedom fighters stopped the entire million-man Persian army long enough for Greece to regroup and kick their butts out forever, which is why we like marathons. After groaning under super law-and-order lawgiver #1 Draco ("dragon") the Lawgiver (-659 to -601), who decreed the death penalty for stealing cabbages in 621 B.C.E., and who the Greeks finally threw out like a bum after 25 years of suffering in 594 B.C.E. for Solon ("wise") the Wise (-638 to -558), who maybe gave you 20 years of hard labor for it but was still strict as hell, just kidding, maybe not, a new era began for mankind when Pericles ("far-famed") (-495 to -429) founded the Age of Democracy, where each individual man was considered important enough to take their vote, as opposed to every other country's system where the monarch is a god on Earth whose word is law. And these blonde hung dudes never heard of the Bible or circumcision, and liked to go around in naked exercise areas called gymnasiums and let the women admire their brains, because they were polytheist pagans and proud of it, their gods were supermen with super physiques and super sexual appetites. Too bad, the Romans conquered Greece in 86 B.C.E., and turned the Greek brain men into house slaves who taught the crude militaristic Romans the finer things when they weren't out conquering and enslaving new territories. It took until the U.S. came along in 1776 C.E. to get all the theory right in the Declaration of Independence, namely, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, among them being life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and that government derives its right to rule from the consent of the People with a capital P. And to be fair, it took until the late 20th century before women and minorities were included in the democratic republics of Europe and the U.S., that's progress, too bad that Muslim countries still labor under retro 7th cent. theocratic Islam and its Run Its the Quran, which not only codifies male supremacy and slavery as divine law, but orders the destruction of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in the name of total submission to Allah, forever holding them back and making progress dangerous and iffy, run, the aliens are coming, but we'll get to that later.

The 5th century B.C.E. starting in 500 B.C.E. was the Golden Age of religion, when the major modern religions were all founded, even Judaism, when they returned to Jerusalem in 459 B.C.E. from the Babylonian Captivity of 586 B.C.E., and Ezra ("helper") the Scribe allegedly "found" the Books of Moses and read them aloud to the people to help them remember their old religion, then started ending mixed marriages with Babylonians, using all them detailed genealogies to decide who's pure, which might mean the Bible was first cooked up about that time, unless you accept the backdating story going to Adam and Eve through Solomon, David, Moses and Abraham, who might just all be fairy tales, they had a lot of time to make it up in Babylon, land of a zillion gods, a ziggurat on every block, and mother of astrology, what's your sign. Major whiz kid blue ribbon best in class religion founders were Gautama Buddha ("enlightened one") (-563 to -483) of Nepal and India, Zoroaster (Zarathustra) (-660 to -583) (Zoroaster is Greek for undiluted stars, Zarathustra is Persian for camel driver) of Persia (6th cent. B.C.E., but actually nobody knows for sure), and Confucius (-551 to -479) (Chinese for Master Kong) and Lao Tzu (-604 to -470) (Chinese for old master, as in lived to 130) of China. Not that the Greeks didn't have their own myth-maxed religion based on the Mount Olympus thingie that went way way back, and the Egyptians and Hindus had theirs, do not drink alcohol while taking Rig Veda or you'll get man boobs. But these new religions lasted to modern times, and the race was on, it's not a business matter, it's a family obligation, how come you still have the same body you had in 6th grade, I'm gay not dead. The Greeks were blonde brain men, the original White is Right of the West, and preferred their philosophers, including #1 Socrates (-469 to -399), who refused to write anything down, and his disciple Plato (-428 to -347) (Greek for broad, as in he was a wrestler with broad shoulders before settling down and living for his mind), who did it for him and broke a zillion quills. Socrates was the father of Western atheism, which is what they made him drink hemlock for, while Plato was the father of Western theism, because he claimed to prove God's existence with pure reason, including the Trinity, which came back to haunt Christianity later, spend the next 25 years reading his corpus and check back with me Timaeus.

Too bad, after conquering Palestine and the Holy Land (including Jerusalem, after which the Greeks ran it until the Romans took over, luring a number of Jewish men into the gay Greek lifestyle), Egypt, Persia, et al., blonde-blue hung Macedonian Greek Alexander ("defender of man") the Great (-356 to -323) was allegedly planning to conquer Arabia when he suddenly took sick with malaria and died in Babylon at the tender age of 33, blowing the Western world's main chance, alas, bugs control history. Alexander's body was shipped encased in honey to the new city of Alexandria, Egypt, where his brainy general Ptolemy I Soter ("savior") (-367 to -282) set up shop as the new blonde Greek pharaoh, spawning a series of ever-degenerating inbred descendants ending with hot-to-trot Cleopatra ("father's glory") VII (-69 to -30), AKA Elizabeth Taylor, who was known for pussy-whipping the #1 (or #2 if you prefer Alexander) Western military hero of all time Julius ("child of Jove") Caesar ("hairy") (-100 to -44), AKA Rex Hairyson, er, Harrison, along with the magnificent Library of Alexandria, which might have actually been more of a legend than an actual building complex, but if so, a great one, giving the impression that the ancients had an Apollo Project going to promote learning and science, but only while they were pagan, with the Christians and later Muslims ruthlessly destroying it in order to foist the Dark Ages of Religion on us, hence vote for more federal funds for science and technology.

The #1 Arab god was the Moon god Hubal, which was the #1 money-making racket of the Cool Cash, er, Quraysh (Koreish) Tribe, which ruled Mecca. If you noticed that Hubal sounds suspiciously like Allah, you're right, get it? But these moon worshippers who suffered from too much sun didn't live in a vacuum either. They had a big world about them that had long given up the Moon, the Sun, and other celestial objects. Since the 1st cent. C.E., religion and politics in the Western world was all about, not an astronomical object, but a man, Jesus Christ (-2/-4 to 31/33?), a Jewish descendant of Abraham (Hebrew for father of a multitude or many nations) on the good side of the Force, via his son Isaac (Hebrew for laughter) by his wife Sarah (Hebrew for princess), whose son by wife Rebekah (Hebrew for to tie) was Jacob (Hebrew for supplanter or held by the heel), the dude who wrestled with an angel, was held by the heel and renamed Israel, then went on to have son Judah (actually Yehuda) (Hebrew for to praise, as in praise God), who founded the praiseworthy tribe of the Jews. The religion Jesus Christ founded preached love and peace, along with nonviolent resistance to the Roman govt., with it being okay to pay taxes but not to work for the govt. or military, with the soundbyte "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's" (Matthew 22:21), promising believers eternal life in paradise with Christ if they keep their noses clean. The disturbing idea that Christ is the only begotten son of God, the Creator of the Universe, and might even be God himself, and was resurrected from the dead and sits at the right hand of God was a shockeroo, easy to mock at first but eventually sinking in and causing conversions and lifetime loyalty, the fact that they appropriated the Jewish Hebrew-Aramaic Old Testament via the Greek Septuagint translation and added their own Greek New Testament allowing them to convert Jews and pagans alike, since Greek was the lingua franca of the Roman empire. At first the polytheist pagan Romans, known for tolerance of all other religions, didn't bug them too much, until they refused to do the simple act of sacrificing to the emperor as a god like everybody else, which caused them to be treated as enemies of the state, forcing them totally underground. Meanwhile the Jews mainly rejected the new cult despite their literature (Gospels, etc.) that claimed to prove that their own Bible predicted his coming along with every detail of his life for centuries, causing the stiff-necked Jewish leaders (who got Jesus crucified by the Romans, stinking them both up) to promptly ban those writings along with the Greek Septuagint version of the Bible they themselves created because it bolstered the prophecy claims, and when their own chief Christian prosecutor Saul of Tarsus switched sides and became St. Paul (5-65), they soon got to the point where they didn't talk anymore, which only made it easier for the Christians to make converts among the gentiles (non-Jews), spreading throughout the empire on its own great roads and using the protection of its own military to keep safe.

So Christianity got off to a slow start, like the marijuana legalization movement in the U.S., they mainly did it at night with the windows and doors closed and shades drawn, but after the efforts of a long line of Christian martyrs and saints, it slowly took over the hearts and minds of the mean cruel Romans. Special notice should be given to St. John the Evangelist (1-100), one of Jesus' original Twelve Apostles, the last to die after allegedly being given the Book of Revelation (Apocalypse) by an angel sent by Christ personally in the Holy Grotto of Patmos off the SW coast of Asia Minor (Turkey), foretelling the End of Days when Christ will return and destroy all of Satan's wicked minions in the Battle of Armageddon, and revealing that the Antichrist AKA the Beast will have the number 666 encoded in his name and will fool many by posing as a prince of peace. St. John's disciple St. Polycarp (69-155) of Smyrna (Izmir), Turkey was also a key figure, followed by St. Irenaeus (-202) of Gaul (France), North African Berber Tertullian (160-220) (who coined the term "Trinity"), Origen (182-253) of Alexandria, Egypt, Eusebius of Caesarea (263-339), and later St. Ambrose of Milan (337-97), North African Berber St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430), and St. Jerome (347-420) of Hungary (Pannonia).

Not that the Jews were still a national entity, since pagan Rome got sick and tired of their sanctimonious holier-than-thou bullshit way back in the Jewish Revolt of 66 C.E. and closed in on them, the Romans under future emperor (79-81) Titus ("defender") Flavius Vespasianus (39-81), son of current emperor (69-79) Vespasian (Titus Flavius Vespasianus Sr.) (9-79) (the Flavorful Anus Dynasty, known for their bi ways with their baby makers) wiping out Jerusalem in 70 C.E. after starving them out, killing all but 97K of 1.2M and taking the survivors away as slaves along with as much loot as they could find, using it and them to build their gym dandy Roman Colosseum (Flavian Amphitheater) in Rome where they had all their fundays watching sporting events with real blood not SFX, which is why their empire was #1 in the West, it had plenty of pro sports programming for the areligious booze-swigging masses. Too bad, some of the entertainment included watching pesky atheist traitor Christians being thrown to the lions. The fact that the Jewish Christians fled Jerusalem for the mountain fastness of Pella per Jesus' instructions when the Romans were about to finish them off made the Jews consider Christian Jews as traitors. After one last independence attempt by the spoilsport Jews during the Bar Kochba (Kokhba) Revolt in 132-136 C.E., the Romans under emperor (117-138) Hadrian (76-138) permanently kicked them out of Israel, starting the Jewish Diaspora (Dispersion), then renamed it Palestine after the Phoenicians or Philistines to rub it in, thus planting the seeds of every world war to come until either the Wandering Jews give it up, are destroyed, or rule da World, oi vey, what was that about Jews not getting mad but getting even?

Back to Arabia. There were Arab Christians from the 200s onward, but not a lot, I guess it was a great sacrifice to give up polygamy for Christ and treat women like people. There was even a part-Arab Roman emperor (244-9), Philip I the Arab (Marcus Julius Philippus) (204-49), who on Apr. 21, 248 lucked out and got to lead the celebrations of the 1000th birthday of Rome, founded in 753 B.C.E., which featured 1K gladiators fighting to the death, along with hundreds of exotic animals, which means he was a good ole mean cruel pagan sans beard and turban, call it multiculturalism. In 253 Roman emperor (253-60) Valerian I (193-260) made the fateful decision of splitting the Roman Empire into two halves, taking the East side and giving his son Gallienus (218-68) the chickenshit West, who ruled not from run-down Rome but from Treves. It was originally supposed to be a temporary thing so Valerian I could be free to deal with all them pesky German barbarian invaders, but ended up permanent after he fell out with his son then got his ass kicked bigtime by the Zoroastrian Persians in Edessa and used as a footstool by Persian emperor (241-72) Shapur I (215-72) before being executed and his skin stuffed with straw for display.

To make a long story short, Christianity became the official religion of Rome starting with Roman emperor (306-37) Constantine I the Great (272-337), who in 313 proclaimed the Edict of Toleration in Milan, then set up Constantine Town, AKA Constantinople (he called it New Rome, enticing Romans to relocate from the Old Rome by shipping and reassembling their villas) on the Bosporus Strait leading to the Black Sea, and consecrated it to Christ on May 11, 330 C.E., after which they definitely had their er, eyes on them pesky illegal pagan Arab aliens down south, but first had to deal with the immediate problem of them even more pesky Germans coming down from the north, who ended up ripping the Roman empire apart and killing the Western half entirely in 476 C.E., leaving only the eastern half based in Constantinople. Too bad, Constantine detested the Jews, whose religion he called a bestial sect ("sect nefaria"), and got all kinds of laws passed restricting their rights, including the death penalty for any Jew daring to marry a Christian, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

Too bad, the Christians weren't satisfied with merely being legalized, but wanted to become the sole established state church, with its bishops on the govt. dole, which allowed the Roman establishment to systematically corrupt the Church from the top down, starting with the 318-bishop First Council of Nicaea in 325 C.E., which endorsed the age-old pagan doctrine of the Trinity despite clear lack of support in the Bible (dressed up in new clothes, with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit as coequal persons in one Godhead, with the fact that the Egyptians had Isis-Osiris-Horus etc. only proving to them that the Devil knew about the real Trinity all along and tried to spread disinformation), declaring the Arians, followers of Alexandrian Egyptian Berber bishop Arius (250-336) (who thought Christ was a created being, hence could never be equal to God, which offended most Christians, who always regarded Christ as a god of some kind even if they couldn't understand the subtleties of how there could only be one God yet he could begat, forget it, catch the new season of How I Met Your Mother on CBS) to be heretics, after which the bishops increasingly called on the state to cancel the Edict of Toleration and use its might to crush Christian heresy (often those who were Jesus' real believers like in the early days) and paganism alike, especially so they could confiscate pagan temples and use the gold to build Christian churches, causing the pagans to fight back, and both them and the Christians to tear the empire apart with a long civil war that ended with the accession of emperor Theodosius ("God's gift") I the Great (347-95) in 379, who on Feb. 27, 380 made Nicene Creed "Catholic Christianity" the official religion of the Roman empire and declared all other religions illegal, that settles it, you pesky pagans and Jews iz on notice. Of course, by this point the remaining pagans all found it easy to convert to Catholicism, it's name doesn't mean universal for nothing, because Catholicism reached out to them by incorporating pagan holidays and gods under laundered names, not to mention pagan doctrines. This only exposed the stiff-necked Jews as incorrigible holdouts, causing the Romans to tighten the screws. Hence, Christianity didn't invent the idea of convert-or-die, it invented the need for church-state separation, which took until Dec. 15, 1791, when the U.S. Bill of Rights was ratified after a huge complex struggle to free Westerners from the grip of the Church while still allowing anybody to be a member of that or any other Christian denomination, even to be an unrepentant gag, Jew. During God's Gift I's reign, concern for the increasing number of Greek-speaking Christian churches caused Latin to be adopted as the official language for the Roman Catholic Mass, whose name comes from the words "Ite, missa est" with which the priest dismisses the congregation. To throw a er, bone to the new Christians who were still pagan underneath, the doctrine of the perpetual virginity of Mary became such a rage that Tertullian's old writings of 208 that dissed it got mashed, and pesky references in the Gospels to the "brethren" of Jesus (1 Cor. 9:5, Gal. 1:19, Mark 6:3, Mt. 13:55) were no longer interpreted to refer to later sons of Mary by Joseph. Instead bishop St. Epiphanius (310-403) of Salmis in Cyprus (author of the Panarion or Medicine Chest Against All Heresies) proposed the more PC theory that they are sons of Joseph by a former marriage, and Jerome later proposed the even safer theory that they are sons of Alpheus, the husband of Mary's sister, and hence only Jesus' cousins, and in 431 at the instigation of Alexandrian patriarch St. Cyril ("lordly") (376-444), the First Council of Ephesus declared heretical the doctrines of Nestorianism, by Syrian-born Constantinople archbishop (428-431) Nestorius (386-451) for refusal to call sinless-born Virgin Isis, er, Mary the Mother of God, only the Mother of Christ, causing him to be deposed and the Assyrian Church of the East to split and go its own way. If I were a Jew I'd be puking chunks as the supposedly monotheist Christians first promoted Christ then his mother to gods, and had the gall to call me nuts.

In the early 400s the Western Roman empire began to turn into a bunch of wussies as it officially became for PC Trinitarian Christians only. The great dream had arrived, and Rome should be evolving toward a paradise on Earth, the New Jerusalem, right? Wrong. Actually, the numerous Arians and closet pagans began to think it wasn't worth fighting for anymore, refusing to pay taxes or join the Roman military, and just defended their home areas, causing the empire to come unglued. No surprise, the entire house was rocked when the German Visigoths under Alaric ("king of all") I (370-410) romped through Italy and Gaul and sacked Rome in 410, spurring St. Augustine to publish his 22-vol. bestseller The City of God, a new interpretation of St. John's Revelation that the heavenly New Jerusalem should be their goal rather than an earthly one, causing Christians themselves to become ambivalent about defending the empire from barbarian attacks as long as they had their reservations in heaven secured, and a lot of them to turn into monks and nuns and hole-up in monasteries and nunneries - this after a century spent in bitter civil wars to get everybody on the same team, which only made the impact greater, go ask Edward Gibbon about it. If only they had kept church and state separate and retained the Edict of Toleration so that pagans and heretics could continue to feel like they had something to fight for - alas, the Western empire's days were numbered because of their own narrow-minded intolerance. Meanwhile the Germanic Vandals from modern-day Poland invaded Gaul over the Rhine River on Dec. 31, 406, and in 409 they ended up in the Iberian Peninsula (Spain), giving their name to the region of Vandalusia, er, Andalusia in S Spain. In 429 they were chased out of Spain into North Africa by the Visigoths, killing St. Augustine in the African town of Hippo, and taking Carthage, where they were welcomed as liberators and taught to sail ships, turning them into seafaring pirates who loved to vandalize Roman cities. There must have been some kinky interracial sex too, ask Muammar al-Gaddafi.

As the West was groaning under barbarian incursions, the East was humming along like busy buzzing bees. Byzantine emperor (408-50) Theodosius II "the Calligrapher" (401-50) become emperor of the East in 408, being crowned as a boy but then growing up and promulgating the Theodosian Law Code (Codex Theodosianus) in 438 that was used in both the East and West. He also built the Theodosian Walls around Constantinople, either double or triple depending on whom you talk to, but totally impregnable and never taken, even in 1453 (they broke through an unguarded gateway). Too bad, in 425 after his intolerant lifetime virgin sister Pulcheria ("beautiful") (399-453) (who acted as his regent from 408-16, and controlled him ever since) put him up to it for authorizing new synagogues to be built and adjudicating disputes between Jews and Christians, T2 ordered the execution of Jewish physician and Nasi (Hebrew for prince) (since 400) Gamaliel ("recompense of God") VI, who became the last Nasi of the Jewish Sanhedrin, abolishing his office in 429, and causing the House of Hillel (Hebrew for greatly praised) to become extinct, along with the Semicha, the tradition of judicial authority in an unbroken line from Moses. Yes, the original Nazis were Jews, but the Christians acted like Nazis towards them, and you know what that brings, no you don't, but it won't be Christian forgiveness :)

But I'm trying to scope the history of Islam, so I better get back to the subject. About the time of Constantine the Great, nearby Ethiopia (actually it was called Abyssinia back then), right across the narrow Red Sea from Arabia (the east coast of Ethiopia was called Punt, as in you could punt a football across it) converted to Christianity, and tried to come in from the sidelines with and without Byzantine help for centuries, which only pissed off them proud bedouins more, making them harder to persuade except by the sword, since they didn't have Contract Bridge yet, sorry there again, Omar Sharif. Too bad, in 451 the Council of Chalcedon (Fourth Ecumenical Council) of 500 bishops, called in the city of Chalcedon across from Constantinople by Byzantine emperor (450-7) Marcian (Flavius Marcianus) (396-457), and presided over by the patriarch of Constantinople caused a split between the Syriac Orthodox Church of Syria, Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria (which Ethopia was part of), and Armenian Apostolic Church on the one side, and the Latin Roman and Greek Byzantine churches on the other over the life-death matter of whether Christ, who was both God and man, had one composite incarnate nature "from two" natures, human and divine, known as the Monophysite ("single nature") doctrine, or was "in two" separate coexisting natures, now known as the Orthodox doctrine. The big-fish-in-a-small-pond emperor sided against the Monophysites, and the council affirmed the power-drive formula that Jesus had two natures, and was/is truly God and truly man simultaneously, but without mixture (alteration, absorption or confusion) of the two, in hypostatic union (which had been decided in the First Council of Ephesus in 431), and declared the 449 Second Council of Ephesus a "robber synod" and annulled its proceedings, causing the persecution of Monophysite churches in Egypt and Syria to begin, which ended up adding to the permanent split between the Eastern and Western empires, although for the time being the council granted the See of Constantinople the same privileges of honor as the See of Rome, with the primacy going to the Roman See. You might say the Big Bang Theory of how God made Christ in Mary's womb by making him both human and divine at the beginning won over the Darwinian Theory that Christ started out as a human egg in Mary's womb and then was instantly evolved by God into divine somehow, with Christ's human nature "dissolving like a drop of honey in the sea" in his divine nature, or that he had a human body but divine soul or mind, call it the Creation theory, er, forget it, at least Dan Brown knows that Christ was just a man and it was all a plot by Constantine, who must have backdated the resurrection from the dead and sitting at the right hand of God part. Of course the Jews were kibbutzing on the side that the putz never was resurrected and is in Hell, and no man can be God, and he's just a cursed blasphemer, yada yada yada, maybe it's time to finally get even with the entire Christian outfit with an Antichrist they can put together in their spare time in the back of their kosher meat shops. Behind this institutional split was actually the age-old Greek vs. Roman thingie, as in Greeks are brainier and more logical but Romans are more practical plus command an army and have made the Greeks into their house tutors, kind of like Spock vs. Captain Kirk in Star Trek. Too bad, spoilsport Marcian let it go to his head that the Romans think they're holier than the Byzantines and their Roman top bishop is higher than their Greek top bishop, and refused to help the Western Roman empire when it was being torn apart by the mounted hordes of mean 3.5 ft. midget Attila the Hun (406-53) in 451-2, and the Germanic Vandals of North Africa in 455, who sacked Rome, contributing to its fall to the Arian heretic Visigoths in 476, who already had split off Spain and Gaul, and now had three little kingies taking the place of one big emperor, leaving the pope surrounded by a sea of armed barbarian heretics, like in the Planet of the Apes.

After Rome fell in 476 C.E., Constantinople ruled the Roman Empire (which is what they called it, although we now call it the Byzantine Empire since the original Greek name of Constantinople was Byzantium), unsuccessfully trying to take the Western side back from the Goths, only to see new German tribes such as the Lombards (Longbeards) move into N Italy, leaving them with the S part, with a dead zone in the middle that was depopulated by all the wars, plagues and famines, ruled by the pope as the Papal States. The top Byzantine emperor (527-65) in those days was Justinian I the Great (483-565), who was doing just great until the Plague of Justinian (bubonic plague) hit in 541-2, causing the empire to go into a permanent decline because it kept returning every generation until around 750. What did I say about bugs controlling history? Good time for a new world mental plague to go with it? Not a natural one, but one cooked up in a lab? I wonder who was waiting for their big chance to get even, starts with J? Meanwhile in Gaul, Clovis I (466-511) became king of the pagan Franks ("freemen") in 481, and converted to Roman Catholicism along with his subjects in 496, becoming the first German group that didn't go for Arianism, kicking the Visigoths out in 507 and turning Gaul into I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter France, which became the pope's main hot dog military arm for centuries, going to their heads and causing them to consider their language and culture to be superior to the other Germans, which they helped along by developing that frog talk now known as French, which is why so many kings wanted to be called Louis (loo-ee), that's frog talk for Clovis. Later, after their Visigothic German cousins in Spain got their ass kicked by the Muslims, they stood firm and threw them back over the Pyrenees, making them even more superior don't say hot dogs or wieners, how about raw oysters and baguettes with brie, culiminating in the 20th cent. with Charles de Gaulle, who lamented that he couldn't impose unity on a country with 265 different kinds of cheese.

Did I mention the Jews? You see, there were a lot of Jews in Arabia back then. Why? Because after all the centuries of Christian hate, discrimination and persecution, this was one of the best places to hide out from them. I know, I know, Roman Catholic Aussie Hollyweird "Mad Max", "Lethal Weapon", "The Passion of the Christ" actor-director Mel Gibson (1956-) pissed a lot of Jews off with his drunken assertion in 2006 that Jews caused all the wars, but in Muhammad's case it's undeniable, and here's why: they created this Frankenstein.

To back up a bit, devout Muslims who believe every word of the Quran is direct from God don't want you to know that Arabia had a history before it, but not only did they have some, they had their first Hitler, and he was a gag, Jew. In 522 the Jewish Himyarites of the did-I-say Jewish Kingdom of Saba in S Arabia (Yemen) (founded 110 B.C.E.) (who lived in a land swarming with Arab polytheist pagans, but at least were fairly safe from the horrible Jewish-persecuting Byzantine and Roman Christians) under king (518-25) Yusuf Dhu Nuwas (Nawas) (-525) (a converted Arab) began a campaign to convert Coptic Christians to Judaism by force to get even for their persecution of Jews, massacring the Christian pop. of the Himyarite capital Zafar ("victory") in the Yemeni highlands 80 mi. SSE of Sana'a, and burning their churches, destroying other Christian fortresses in the highlands, I love the smell of napalm in the morning, it smells like victory, then going after the Christian Axumite oasis of Najran in SW Arabia near the Yemeni frontier and massacring its 20K pop., then writing letters to the kings of Iraq and Persia encouraging them to do ditto, which Byzantine emperor (518-27) Justin I (450-527) found out about, causing him to help Coptic Christian king Kaleb (Caleb) (Ella Atbeha) (Hellestheaeus) (St. Elesban) of Axum on the other side of the Red Sea in Abyssinia (Ethiopia) to come to their aid. In 523 after defeating the Christian invaders, Dhu Wah Diddy ordered them to give up that Christ crap and become Jews, and after they refused, he had them thrown alive into a burning ditch, something even the Quran can't cover up, referring to them as "The cursed people of the ditch" (Sura 85:4). The news pissed off Byzantine Not Just in Time I, who declared war on the kingdom of Saba and sent a fleet with 70K Christian Abyssinians to help the Axumites, who kicked their butts in 525, after which the Himyarites were assimilated into the N Arabian tribes, and Abyssian leader Eriat became ruler of Yemen. So you see, the idea of convert-or-die started with the Jews, not the Muslims or Christians, pretty easy call for any official on the football field of Time, but it was an Arab League game, and you know what sore losers Arabs are. So, if Duey Huey Louie was a converted Arab Terminator who was stopped because his army was too small, why wouldn't these Arab ex-Jews and/or their original Jewish handlers set out to create a T2 that would have a much bigger army of Arabs and finish off all Christians in Byzantium, Iraq, Persia, even New York City, it's possible, even probable, no certain, Muhammad was the original Liquid Metal Man, with no face, no body, he's every Arab, with a Mission:Impossible to inscribe in their minds.

Speaking of the Jews, in 529 Justinian I not only closed the Neo-Platonic Academy at Athens, plunging the Christian world into the original Microsoft Windows Dark Ages, but passed a law ordering the synagogues of the other Jewish white meat Samaritans centered in Neapolis, Palestine destroyed, and took away their rights to bequeath property, causing them to revolt in the summer, only to be summarily crushed, after which their leader Julian's head was sent to the emperor, and the 20K remaining Samaritan rebels were sold into slavery.

So, to make a long story short, in 570 C.E., the year of Muhammad's birth, Mucca, er, Mecca was invaded by Abraha (Abreha) ('Abraha al-Ashram) (Abraha bin as-Saba'h) of Yemen (-554) (Eriat's successor, who assassinated him, this could be your lucky day), who built the Al-Qulays (al-Qalis) Cathedral (Arabic for ecclesia or church) in Sana'a to rival the Kaaba, which he wanted to destroy in order to turn all that cash to his till, arriving with a train of elephants and an African Ethiopian Christian army to kick pagan ass for Christ one mo' time and come in the for the kill. Too bad, Abraha was repulsed from the walls after allegedly being pelted by showers of stones dropped by birds, probably really smallpox.

Shazam, two months later, look what the storks brought in. On the 12th day of Raby' I, the world was dis, er, graced, no, disgraced bigtime by the birth of Kutam (Khatam) (Kid Tommy?), later known as Muhammad (Mohammad) (Mohammed) (Mahomet) (570-632) (Arabic for Praiseworthy One, the names Ahmed, Ahmad, Hamdan, Hamid, Mahmud, and Mahmoud being variants), son of Abdallah (Abdullah) (who died almost 6 mo. before he was born), named by his grandfather Abdul Motalleb, the defender of Mecca (digger of the Well of Zamzam), whose father Amr ("ruler") Hashim ("pulverizer") ibn Abd al-Manaf (Hashem Ben Abd Manaf) (-497) (nicknamed Hashim because he gave pilgrims to Mecca free broth with pulverized bread in it) was founder of the Banu Hashim clan, and the first to equip camel trade caravans and make the town a trade center, with a special edict from the Ethiopian and Byzantine emperors exempting them from duties or taxes. To quote the #1 Western historian of that era, Edward Gibbon (1737-94), "[Muhammad,] the only son of Abdallah and Amina, was born at Mecca, four years after the death of Justinian, and two months after the defeat of the Abyssinians, whose victory would have introduced into the Caaba the religion of the Christians" - The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, 1776-89, Ch. 50. Call me a conspiracy softie, but I smell a rat. Did I mention that Muhammad's mother Amina ("faithful") bint Wahb (Amina is Arabic for Mary?) was pregnant with the little devil for four years, no wonder his daddy Abdallah croaked before he was born, don't ask why one meaning of the Arabic phrase "Abd 'Allah" is "servant of Allah" when there was no Islam yet.

So, to recap, born into a prosperous merchant clan, Big Mad Homicide, er, Homey, er, Madhomet was of the tribe of Qureysh and the clan of Hashem, which claimed lineal descent from Abraham's son Ishmail by Abraham's wife Sarah's Egyptian slave girl Hagar ("forsaken"), mother of the Arabic race, not to be confused with the comic strip Hagar the Horrible. Too bad, Jehovah already had them Ishmaelites down pat, as proved by his own words in Da Bible about Ishmael: "He will be a wild ass of a man, his hand against every man and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen" - Gen. 16:12. In other words, he would never make them his prophets, tough titties. So, if I were an Ishmaelite who wanted to start a new religion and supersede the Jewish godman Christ, the first item on my agenda would be to shuck the Jewish Bible along with Jehovah, plus the Christian Bible along with its claims that Christ was the final prophet, and create my own, like Joseph Smith or Elron Humbug, and promote myself as a godman too no matter how hard it would be to coverup my dirty laundry, after which I could get all the hot young poontang I wanted and call it a message from God that polygamy is holy even for monotheists, like Father Abraham did it all the time, right, pass the sheep butter. And this time I would learn from experience that huddling at night to do it when the rulers aren't watching is too slow a way to spread it, so why not go 180 degrees and make everybody do it in broad daylight five times a day, and kill anybody who tries to interfere, Allah is Great, whap, don't make them respect you make them fear you, take the Medieval Tweet market by storm. Voila: the Raghead Antichrist!

Like Damien ("to subdue") the Antichrist (who is expected to be born on 6/6/6, why not around 666 C.E.?), all of Mad Hatter's close relatives died around him. His father died 6 mo. before his birth, his mother died in his 7th year while he was visiting Medina with her, and his grandfather in his 9th year, so he was raised by his butt, er, uncles, and his orphan's inheritance was a house, five camels, a flock of sheep and an Ethiopian maidservant, managing my finances runs me down? Maybe his father was the Devil and his mother was a virgin, what's the matter with being you mama?

Details of his early life are sketchy. In 583 Kid Tommy travelled to Syria with his uncle (head of the Banu Hashim clan) Imran ("prosperity") Abu Talib ("seeker of knowledge") ibn 'Abd al-Muttalib (549-619), and met with the (Christian?) monk Bahira ("shining", "bright") in Basra, who allegedly predicted that he would grow up to be a great prophet, maybe after a little sodomy, who can prove it in court? In 586 Muhammad the Propeller-head Prophet participated in the Hatfield-McCoy tribal Fijar (Sacrilegious) (Immoral) War, but didn't participate in the fighting, only helping to pick up the arrows afterward. In 591 he became an active member of Hilful Fudul, a league for the relief of the distressed. In 594 the 24-y.-o. bachelor stud became the business mgr. of 40-y.-o. wealthy noble-born widow Lady Khadija bint Khuwaylid (553-619) ("early baby", related to the Greek word Asia, meaning East or sunrise), and began leading her trade caravan to Syria and back, then married her (his first wife) in 595, turning him into a player on the Arabian scene. A woman, you're using a woman? She's dry, but I got plenty of sheep butter. Meanwhile for reference, the same year Japanese Empress Suiko issued the Flourishing Three Treasures Edict, officially recognizing Buddhism.

Since his clan already had perfected some kind of WMDs in order to repulse the pesky Christians, it would naturally be the next item on the agenda to find a way to unite all the feuding tribes under one flag and set out to conquer the world for turban-and-beard-wearing male supremacist throwbacks. So, as the year 600 rolled around, Arabian pagan polytheist Mecca caravan driver Kutam was wealthy, connected, and poised for greatness, but first a little makeover.

I don't know if this is significant, oh yes I do, but in 602 Byzantine emperor (602-10) Phocas (Phokas) ("a seal") (the first Byzantine emperor to break the old Roman tradition of being clean-shaven by sporting a beard, the one on the Roman side who first broke the tradition being Hadrian, the one who defeated the Bar Kochba Revolt, hence it would bring back old memories and make Jews see red) attemped to convert the Jews to Christianity after they supported the Persians who were invading them, and in 609 Patriarch Anastasios ("resurrection") II of Antioch was lynched by Jews angry over his attempt to make them accept condemned blasphemer Christ and the !*?!* Trinity, I'm dead, pull the trigger. Also in 602, Pope (590-604) Gregory ("vigilant, watchful") I the Great (540-604) (first Christian monk to make pope) wrote to the populace to avoid "following the perfidy of the Jews" by observing the Sabbath on Saturday, although it was okay for the Anglo-Saxons to keep their pagan Easter (named after the Anglo-Saxon spring goddess Eostre or Ostara, from the Greek word for duh, East or sunrise) eggs as long as they were recast in PC Christian terms, with no mention of Ostara changing her pet bird into a rabbit, Osterhase, which lays brightly colored eggs to give to kids to symbolize fertility; instead, since eggs are forbidden for the 40 days of Lent preceding Easter, think of it as a diet breaker. Since Easter is the season for baptisms, and converts wear brand new white robes to symbolize their rebirths, it became popular to take a long walk in one's new clothes after Easter Mass, becoming the origin of Oprah Winfrey. This might be just a coincidence, but it's too cool not to mention, namely, the black fire-tongued Hindu goddess Kali ("black") was first mentioned about 600 C.E., the goddess of death and time, as in you're time's up, give me your goodies, becoming a favorite with the Thuggee cult of professional robber-murderers, see any Indiana Jones flick, maybe they got it from Islam, maybe Islam got it from them, the 600s sure were an era of death religions, send in the History Dicks. Her hubby is Shiva, who likes to lounge around on the ground covered in white cremation ashes while she stands on him, that's too kinky to be sex isn't it?

Call it another coincidence, in 610 Kutam was converted by the local Jews to belief in the One True God Jehovah, changing history bigtime. Too bad, since Jews had long before decided that they couldn't use that name Jehovah anymore, because it was too holy to pronounce (which is why nobody knows how to really pronounce it - maybe it's more like Yahoo or Yahawooa, figure it out and check back with me after you suddenly regain your youth plus eternal life), they just called him the One True God, which proved to be the mistake of the millennium as illiterate Kid Tommy got it mixed up and changed the name to Allah, meaning Hu, er, Who Da Big Alpha, as in Alpha without the Omega, and began to talk about it to his wife and friends, obviously hoping to become an Arabian prophet and convert them to monotheism too, sibling rivalry is good. There's nothing you can do that can't be done, there's nothing you can sing that can't sung. Actually, the word Allah, which some claim is a contraction for the Arabic words "al ilah", meaning "the God" goes way back before Muhammad, meaning the chief god of the Big 360 in the Kaaba, and all Muhammad did was tell his followers that Allah is the only true god, and that they must dispense with the rest, since he's got the trademark, copyright and patent rights secured so he can start his own monopoly like Bill Gates did with Microsoft and spread junky PCs to flood out the far better Apples and Macs, on July 16 the race is on.

Since he was full of ill, i.e., illiterate, and couldn't read Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, Greek, or anything else, and was too lazy to learn with all those hot ladies around (actually up till then Arabic wasn't a written language, Gabriel invented that for them too, like Joseph Smith with his special glasses), Cute Tom needed a speed plan, and how lucky that on Apr. 6, 610 on the Lailat-ul Qadar (Night of Power) in the 9th month called Ramadan ("to be scorched") the first (last in 632) surreal sura of the grab-yours-while-supplies-last 114-sura, 6,346-verse Quran (Qur'an) (Koran) (Arabic for recitation), the final and perfect message from God to all humanity (really a fake Bible revealed to him by Satan to form an army against the true God, or the output of a secret literature factory in Arabia, probably Jew-powered, using Muhammad as their front and dummy corporation in order to mobilize the Arabs into an army to forever keep the Christians out, which got out of control?) allegedly descended whole into his soul (making him the "Seal of the Prophets", the last and final) in the dark no-sports-attire-allowed 13 ft. x 5 ft. 9 in. Hira Cave near the summit of the Mount of Light (Jabal al-Nur) near Mecca from an Arabic-speaking angel calling himself Gabriel (Jibril) (really a demon of Satan, appearing to him as the Million-Dollar Man-Angel of Light after he ate some psychedelic mushrooms, or maybe a clever Jew who could throw his voice?), who ordered him three times to "Recite!" (Iqraa in Arabic), to which he kept answering that he didn't know how to read, then gave him the direct words of Allah: Good morning, I was just thinking, maybe we got off to a bad start here, we're going to be working together, how about some tennis? Excuse me while I kiss the sky, but if this isn't a conspiracy and coverup in order to launch a New World Order, I don't know what is. And all signs point to the Jews, sorry. It was like with JFK, he had to go, he really had to go, and they couldn't let him leave Dallas alive, sure it's a lone gunman, chuckle. How's this for a Christian back-achya: "But even though we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to that which we have preached to you, let him be accursed." (Galatians 1:8)

After his first experience with the angel, Muhammad allegedly went to his wife Lady Khadija's cousin Waraqa bin Naufal bin Asad bin 'Abdul 'Uzza, a Christian convert who could read the Christian scriptures in Arabic (since written Arabic didn't exist yet, it must have been Hebrew and/or Greek, probably the Greek Septuagint version of the Old Testament), who confirmed that it wasn't an evil Jinn like M thought, but Gabriel, the same angel that Allah sent to Moses, let me tell you about my life insurance company. I bet he didn't say Allah, but the short answer is no, it wasn't an angel, he came from the other side of the Force, you judge a tree by its fruit. Either way, this Allah was not very cosmopolitan, but very small, appearing in the Darth Vader Hira-Some-Evil Cave ("I'm your faaather, hold my hand") to an Arab goy and whispering in his ears. Of course Wacky Waraqa couldn't have been the real author of the Quran, since he had conveniently gone blind and soon died and went to Heaven, where he now wears white robes according to a vision by none other than Prophet M.

So let's recap, total honesty, unbeatable service, lifetime money-back guarantee. What do you think I have stamped on my forehead, the word dumbass? Gimme a break, the Jews invented it all, they're not the smartest people on Earth for nothing. Muhammad was their stage manager and dummy corporation, while they handed him the plays, like Shakespeare was to Francis Bacon or Edward de Vere, that's the power of the ancient Internet, ease of identity fraud, 600 pissed-off Jews are looking for work. By definition, illiterate polytheist pagans who are forever fighting for their honor in endless feuds because they won't change don't won't and can't begin to come up with something new like this that depends on vast erudition of the Jewish literature. The illiterate minds of a whole subcontinent of wildass Arabs were their tabula rasas that they could mold to their desires, especially with deliberate disinformation about the Jewish Old Testament and Greek New Testament. Maybe to them Jews it was a public service to convert them out of their polytheism into monotheism, and they naturally made sure that they could never be converted to Christianity for good measure, after which some of them went too far and got ideas about turning them into an anti-Christian terrorist force, thinking they could go along with them and return to Europe in style, not realizing that you can take an Arab out of Arabia but you can't take Arabia out of an Arab. I don't know, ask them if you got a medium handy, I'm just a Historyscoper and figure things out with evidence and deductive reasoning.

Maybe you think I'm a lone nut who made the Jewish origin theory of Islam up. Actually, it's old news to historyscopers and you're just an Islam history ignoramus product of the post-Christian school system, and that's why you read this far, you want to lean some history, so I hope you'll stick with me to the end, even if you have to come back 50 times till you do. The Quran's version of monotheism is "a bastard Judaism of Ishmael, and the post-Christian and anti-Christian Judaism of the Talmud", according to History of the Christian Church, Vol. 4, Mediaeval Christianity, A.D. 590-1073 by Swiss historian Philip Schaff (1819-93), among many others. That's right, the Jewish Talmud (Hebrew for "teaching"), an endless pile of profound crap they genned up after being kicked out of Israel and losing their ability to practice their religion with a temple, priests, and sacrifices, causing the stateless tribe to be taken over by the ever-tricky rabbis (teachers). It was filled with snide remarks and lies about Jesus, which happened to find their way into the Quran, call it their Apollo Project, but they didn't have to worry about exposure for a thousand years since nobody but a lifelong Jew could read through it anyway, if he lived long enough. So to cover their tracks, the Jewish authors of the Quran, who probably invented written Arabic also, start it out by having it call the Jewish Bible a fraud corrupted by the Jews, claiming that Jehovah's covenant with Abraham and Isaac (father of the Jews) in Genesis Ch. 17 was really Allah's covenant with Abraham and Ishmael (father of the Arabs) (see Gen. Ch. 16), making Allah seem forever at war with the Jewish-Christian Bible god Jehovah, who is of course now the Devil who caused the Jews to corrupt the original texts and worship him instead, you are such a Boy Scout, you see everything in black and white, if only a paper shredder could talk. Even the hopeful message of the Bible in Genesis 22:15-18 that "By your descendants shall all the nations of the Earth bless themselves, because you have obeyed my voice" is turned dark, the Quran's version being that "There has arisen between us and you, enmity and hatred forever, unless ye believe in Allah and him alone" (Quran 60:4), and that when Abraham told his daddy "I will pray for forgiveness for you", he was not being an excellent example, making Islam not the religion of love but the religion of endless seething hate, not a brother or sister or cousin but the eternal hater of Christianity, whose founder uttered the command "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you" Luke 6:27-28. No wonder that history ignoramuses like Pres. Obama (in Nov. 2009) get away with uttering lame soundbytes like "The rituals of Hajj and Eid-ul-Adha both serve as reminders of the shared Abrahamic roots of three of the world's major religions".

Of course the dark angel that nobody but Muhammad saw knows because he's the messenger sent by the hold-on-Sheena true god Allah, who is not Jehovah but also is, depending on if the Jews accept him, which they won't, hehe, you're illiterate but you can get as far as alpha, right camel faces, you accept him and take our, er, his orders while we watch. Allah is making guess-who-you Muhammad the crowning finale to the line of divine Old Testament teachers and prophets from Abraham to Jesus (never mind him being a Jew, we threw him out), and is uncorrupting his own Bible through him, especially the one used by those pesky Christians who claim that Jesus is God, and that's blasphemy, just what the Jews themselves convicted him of, it was due process of law, hehe, and we have been given a bum rap by Christians ever since, that's why we're hiding out down here in this sandlot, and now you dumbass Arabs can get even for us as cannon fodder for our new 7th century Vietnam. And Grandmaster G will implant the rest of the gold edition of the corrected Bible directly in Murray the K's heart bar by bar so the Jews can play both sides against the middle with plausible deniability, I have no recollection, Senator, shades of gray, not black and white, yes, black and white, kill them all and let God sort them out later while we charge high interest on armaments loans. I know you're no genius, Ohammedmay, so just come back once a week, take your mushroom, and we'll give you another musical lyric to memorize and sing for your friends, ain't it beautiful, unholy rock music by the original 7th century Simon and Garfunkel posing as the Rolling Stones, together we'll go far, to the top of the charts forever.

So, after getting his act down pat with private rehearsals in Da Cave, Praiseworthy One (name change provided by his grandfather as described above) began a 23-year Tour of Duty as Allah's Marine in the sand jungles of dope-kingdom Colombiarabia, with his first convert being (no surprise) his wife Lady Khadijah, followed by his son-in-law (shoulda been but wasn't his successor) Ali ("the greatest") (600-661), freed African slave and adopted son Zayd (Zaid) ("abundance", "growth") ibn Harithah (578-629) (he's black, so he can't be a contender, although he became the only one of Muhammad's Sahaba or companions mentioned by name in the Quran), and admirer-friend (later father-in-law and successor, who scores big points by giving his infant daughter to Big M for fun in bed, what an example he will set for Muslim fathers) Abu Bakr (Bekr) (572-634), the original Three Stooges.

Thus was born the sick evil crazy lying mental junk cult of Islam, from the Arabic word for both submission and peace (obviously meaning both, as in "Submit or Die", with death being understood as the ultimate peace), with the cardinal doctrine being the did-I-mention total submission to Allah (who sounds suspiciously like the old Jewish god Baal AKA Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, the kind that like to swarm on shit and stink up your shined boots), either by conversion or murder (because after everybody is either submitting to Allah or dead, there will be peace, right, the ultimate peace), which spreads by force and fear rather than persuasion (but not really, because it's a combo religion-state so only the state part spreads by force, you aren't forced to convert just treated like dung until you do), and takes over the brain like a mental virus without Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo to come to the rescue, maintained by daily public brainwash sessions relying on the hypnotic Arabic language, you said it would be a surgical strike, that's what you said, I wasn't counting on this kind of collateral damage, yes I was. The day-to-day mind waste began of adults and little children being brainwashed daily into memorizing every word of the hypnotic sing-along Queeran, programming them to become 007s with a license to kill for the Arab M from his Big Daddy Allah, do they sound like his words, he can't be clear when clarity is just what he has to avoid, but the gloves come off.

But it's a religion, fully equal to Judaism and Christianity, and entitled to equal respect when it's not powerful enough to just kill you and shut you up? It's got principles, sure, the Five Pillars of Islam, Moe, Larry, Curly, Shemp, and Groucho, er, Salat or Salah (public ritual prayer) (mass hypnotism), Zakat (almsgiving), Hajj (pilgrimage to Mecca, wearing the ihram, to commemorate God's sparing of Abraham's son Ishmael), Sawm (fasting during Ramadan), and Shahada (shades of hell?), recitation of the prostrate-supporting Kalimah ("the phrase") jingle "La ilaha ila Allah, Muhammada rasul Allah", translation "There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is his final prophet", pass the ginkgo biloba. The Arabic term for a religious duty is fard. To be a good farding Muslim, pray five times a day, bowing your head to the ground and baring your neck to show that you know who owns it, and, if Allah doesn't lop off your head so you can stand back up, go out and kill kill kill till Allah gets his fill, which he never does, you're Allah, dumbo, do it for Muhammad. Not that you would even have a head on your shoulders if you refused to pray five times every day for life, since the penalty for refusing is guess what, death by beheading, done by a happy Muslim executioner. Each of the daily prayers has its own name and extensive rules and regulations, and the Dhuhr (pronounced zuhr) midday prayer is replaced on Fridays with the Jumu'ah prayer, in case you wondered. All Muslims must celebrate Ramadan with a month of sunrise-to-sunset (fajr-to-isa) fasting followed by Eid ul-Fitr, a pain-relief-without-messy-creams-or-jells celebration on the final day. Why do Muslims like to behead those who resist believing in the Quran and submitting to Sharia? Answer: a severed head is about the same size as a Quran? I guess Muhammad thought that to make his horrible intolerant compulsive mental slavery fit only for illiterate polytheist polygamous clit-slicing slave-owning Arabs look equal to real non-compulsive religions like Judaism and Christianity he had to pile on coercive commands, like giving out alms to poor Muslims as a cover story, fasting once a year for heart health, and visiting Mecca at least once to kiss the Cube of Satan and drink the mineral water of Hell, the bitterness giving you a clue if you ain't stupid, you and I want the same thing, only till now you've done all the work, the little fish, but I can help you get the big fish. By the way, hate happens in Islam, so a main feature of the Hajj is the stoning ritual, where they furiously throw stones at stone walls representing the Devil and his infidels and blow off steam before they return for the struggle.

What exactly about Islam causes Westerners to sense that it's pure evil? It's not necessarily the part about the dark cave, since that's obviously a lame attempt to ape St. John's grotto and change the ending. Simple, it's staring you in the face like an ass crack. In Islam, all believers are Allah's slaves, and he commands all who don't do what he says to be killed by his believers, so to become a Muslim is to accept the duty of holy murder, holy cow, it's like getting paid to shop. In Christianity, for contrast, believers are children of God, with free will to disobey him, and yes, he promises that he will judge them after Armageddon, but otherwise tells them not to kill each other, even using the L Word. So who would you rather have live next door? Don't think too hard in this nuclear age or you might be tempted to try the Tom Tancredo (1945-) solution to Islam's world crimes of dropping a giant dirty nuke on Mecca, obliterating the Kaaba and turning the whole city into a giant deadly radiactive pit, after which any remaining true believers who won't admit that Allah is a fraud will have to visit it like he ordered and face fatal radioactive poisoning, or else face execution by other Muslims for disobeying his orders, pardon me while I break out my jar of Vaseline and put some on my face and ass :)

What am I calling it, an evil satanic cult masquerading as a religion? Duh, right, like you should go to prison if you do everything it tells you to beyond the Five Pillars. At least it's got some good points, if you're an old skool male chauvinist pig. One, it's easy to indoctrinate little children into it and keep them in it for life, even the females. Two, since males have a divine right to engage in polygamy, pedophilia, wife beating (Quran 4:34), and female circumcision for their child brides, I smell popcorn, plus other male chauvinist goodies and perks too numerous to list, it's easy to grow into and hard to grow out of, plus after you actually murder somebody for Allah and Muhammad, you know you've crossed the line and there's no way back, that is unless you accept that Christ died for your sins and was the final prophet, not an intermediate prophet who didn't die for your sins, was not the son of God, did not rise from the dead, and isn't sitting on the right hand of God waiting to judge you, and already judged Muhammad, who isn't up there with him, gotcha, is that all you have to say. Luckily in a land without much water, there is no requirement for baptism for members, just a daily touch-up before the five-times-a-day ritual prayer, no you can't call in sick, watch that ass crack in front of your face, see if you like the taste of Hidden Valley Ranch. But calling it a religion on the same par as Judaism and Christianity is sick, since there's no way to gain eternal life through a mere change in heart, indeed no promise of paradise except via martyrdom while obeying did-I-mention Sura 9:5 ("the Verse of the Sword"), which teaches believers to go out and kill infidels (kafirs), to quote verbatim, "Fight and slay the infidels wherever you find them", while screaming the voodoo words "Allahu akbar!", meaning Allah is not just some great god but the greatest god, the Acme, Big Daddy Rock, sometimes you have to make compromises, man, no you don't, man?

Too bad, illiterate Muhammad, the youngest person in history to play Major League Baseball never wrote it down, but supposedly dictated portions to his personal scribe Zayd ibn Thabit (-644) (say it until it's a habit?) under the direction of his father-in-law Abu Bakr, leaving the rest to be remembered by his followers, and not all written down until 12 years after his death.

Here's what you need to know to hail a cab in Cairo. First, no matter how intellectually bright you are, it's pretty much impossible to understand how dangerous the "real" Quran is unless you listen to some true believer "sing it" in Arabic while you get into the daily slave prostrations and lower your brains to the floor in every way for about a year. Even then, to really become a true Muslim headbanger you need to memorize it and sing it yourself acapella, like any American kid trying to copy the Beatles and Rolling Stones in his bedroom, lucky that Ham Handed Muhammad didn't have an electric guitar or we'd never best him. Lucky for Muslim parents, the whole Quran is around 80K words, but when repetitions are counted, there are really only about 2K words, it's sheet music, even kids can memorize it if they can swing an AK-47. All are encouraged to become a Huffaz, a person who has memorized the whole thing and recites it endlessly, no need to have a life, so no wonder there's 10 million of them running around now in poor Muslim lands, a mind is a terrible thing to waste, praise Allah. If you're rich and powerful and can't spare the time, try getting a special copy printed with your own blood like Saddam Hussein of Iraq did in 1997, vampires are all the rage this season, of course. Speaking of So Damn Insane, to put it plainly, it has virtually zero intellectual content like the Jewish-Christian Bible, is not filled with history, sage philosophical soundbytes, and genealogies and sermons on religion, that would take too much time, just naked buckle-up buttercup get-your-mind-right-and-go-kill-field programming, call it dumbed down for Arabs. Later you can just replay the hamster track endlessly while your victims' corpses rot and fool yourself into thinking you saved yourself by going on Hajj. The most used word is Allah, the second is "ill" or knowledge of Allah, funny what "ill" means in God's real language English. After the first short opening sura (the fatiha), the 114 suras (surahs) or chapters are organized from longest (#2) (called Baqara meaning cow or calf) to shortest (#108) (called Kausar meaning abundance or pond), each being divided into ayas (verses) (6,236 total), the longest Sura 2 Al-Baqara ("calf") containing 286, and the shortest Sura 108 Al-Kausar ("abundance" or "pond") containing three, something about Muhammad having the greatest number of followers and being the sweet pond on the day of resurrection, and how the unbelievers are bereft of all goodness, oh he himself has said it, and it's greatly to his credit, that he is an Arab man, he i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-is an Arab man. Sura 1 Al-Fatiha ("the opening") starts out "Bismillahi r-rahmani r-rahim", or "In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the ever merciful", setting the stage for the hypnotic brainwashing repetition, since this verse starts out every one of the other surahs except John Lennon's #9 ("repentance"), the one that kill says da infidels if they resist. Sura 114 An-Nas (Al-Nas) ("mankind") h goes "In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful. Say I seek refuge with the lord of mankind, the king of mankind, the god of mankind, of the Jinn and mankind from the evil of the sneaky whisperer who whispers in the hearts of man." What is a Jinn? You guessed it, Aladdin, a genie, don't sweat, it's a glandular thing with them Arabs, can we see your belly button. Shaitan (Satan) allegedly started as a genie named Iblis. Obviously, Muhammad knows all about the evil whisperer and the demons of Hell, since he's their main man, call it a Freudian slip, I'm not going to apologize for thinking, I bet that sweet pond is really the Lake of Fire, that's the Devil's method, turn black white and white black and get your hands on the green, there's trouble in Paradise. (The Arabic word for Paradise is Janna, coincidence?) Islam is thus the catholic universal religion for total history ignoramuses, who can be brainwashed into thinking they know everything when they know nothing, and need to unlearn what they learned, but can't, call 1-866-666-FIXED and lock in your rate, we can live in a bubble. The first sura allegedly revealed to Big M was #96 (that's 69 upside down in Arabic numerals), Sura 96 Al-Alaq ("the clot"), which claims that God made man from a blood clot (them Allahu Akbars love the sight of clotted blood), that there are two types of men, those who bow to God's will, and those pesky "lying and sinful" unbelievers who don't, for whom the "guards of Hell" are waiting, and that the unbeliever shouldn't try to deny to the believers the right to worship Allah, nor must the believers "yield" to threats from unbelievers, whap, there goes another head, that's the only mind you have, don't waste it. Note that in the cow surah, verse 190 says "Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not exceed the limits, for Allah doesn't love those who do", whatever limits are supposed to mean, but verse #191 clears it up a bit, saying "And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places they drove you out if, for persecution is worse than slaughter", which I guess means killing is within the limits, but merely persecuting without killing is. It's like the iPhone, there's apps for just about anything. It's the clean-burning mind fuel of hate turned into code for your internal operating system, complete with virus protection against love and tolerance, just say it over and over and you'll get the need for speed, kill kill kill, ahhh, that's a relief. Are Muslims worshipping God and getting closer to him so they can be with him in Paradise, or worshipping Satan and getting closer to him so they can be with him in Hell, while their victims go to Heaven to be with guess who trice? Maybe the atheists are right and there's neither a God nor a Devil, but if there were, God wouldn't want to put his name to this crap, but it's just what the Devil would come up with and attempt to frame God with writing so he can win the war for human souls, someone who can bring opposing sides together, that person is not in the house. Isn't that my job, I'm a critic? So here goes: "And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light", 2 Corinthians 11:14. One of them divine revelations is telling the truth and one is lying, you decide, atheists can attack the Law of the Excluded Middle.

What does this wonderful new Bible teach its true believers about the old Bible and its false believers? Let's start with Sura 5 Al-Maidah ("the table spread"), which respectfully calls the Jews and Christians "People of the Book" (5:19), and says that Jews are friends with Christians, but then says that Muslims are to shun them both since, one, "Infidels are those who say that Jesus, the son of Mary is God" (5:17), and of course Allah is the one and only God and has no son, trust me and be cool, oh Hell no, and two, "The Jews and Christians say 'We are God's beloved children'", but "Why then does God punish you for you sins?" (5:18), that'll trip them up, the chicken is in the pot, over, cook it, roger that. Obviously, the Jews who created Islam wanted themselves to be treated special, so that's why this loophole is there, which they grudgingly had to allow Christians into, but they made sure that Muslims were unitarians like them who believe that there is not only one God but that he can't have a son, and that anybody claiming to be is a blasphemer who should be executed pronto, like they already got the Romans to do to Jesus, only now it's an assembly line operation. Of course, "idolaters [including Christians and Jews] are nothing but unclean, so they shall not approach the Sacred Mosque [in Mecca]" (Sura 9:28), and if they are caught, guess what, whap, even if you're Jesus himself. Muslims don't even call him Jesus, they call him Issa, and accept his virgin birth and miracles, but deny he was crucified, died and was resurrected, claiming he was raised alive to Heaven, and will return on Judgment Day to help the Muslims not Christians, because you see, Jesus was a Muslim all along, not the Son of God or God, but a mortal fallible man like Prophet M, whose mission was to play second fiddle at best, after all, he was a Jew whom the real Jews told him got too big for his shit britches. Funny how if Muhammad was illiterate he seems to have read the Gospel of Luke 1:35, containing the story of his favorite angel Gabriel and favorite fantasy babe Mary, but even so, he goes pornographic by changing the words "come upon" and "overshadow" in Sura 66 At-Tahrim ("prohibition") Verse 12 to "breathed in her vagina" (the Arabic word for vagina or private parts being farj - figures). Maybe he was describing holy cunny, that's how Jesus got made, right, just like he did it every night with his Sweet Six sugar diapers wife under the theory that old men who can't cut the mustard can still lick the jar, but we'll cover that later. Speaking of holy cunny, check out the Quran Holy Cunny Song, Sura 66 sung by a true believer, it was #1 on the Sick Pop Charts for 1000 years at least, if they get their way it will be on the American Pop Charts for the next 1000 years, over my dead body.

Here's another nice bit of divine guidance for true Musclemen. Sura 9 At-Tawba ("the repentance") calls for unbelievers to be killed (9:5), and don't be careful. Oh, I already mentioned that. Okay, it's only if they refuse domination and paying the jizya tax, to be explained later. Verse 6 says that Christians who call Christ the son of God are deluded away from the Truth, and Allah's curse be on them, so much for the 1.5-2.1 billion Christians living today, sorry, no psychiatric discharges for monks. In fact over 90% of the suras make reference to how Allah hates non-Muslims and is going to torment them for eternity in Hell, while nowhere does it even permit Muslims to love them. Contrast this with the Christian God: "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love" (1 John 4:8). Who would you rather not live next door to? Speaking of the oxymoron of Muslim love, do you remember reading from time to time about Muslim honor killings, for example by a parent when a child converts to Christianity, marries without permission, has unmarried sex, or even wears immodest clothes, only to see Muslim spokesmen claim it's not supported by the Quran? Wrong, see Sura 18 Al-Kahf ("the cave"), verses 60-82, which tell the story of the journey of the Green Man Khidr with Moses, during which Khidr murders a young man for honor and then explains the holy wisdom of it, namely, that he might grow up to be an unbeliever so why wait.

Speaking of love and Islam in the same breath, Muslim disinformation artists love to tell you that the scary word "jihad" means each Muslim's internal struggle. Sure, it takes an internal struggle to ditch God for Satan and steel oneself to the horrible war and oozing blood you yourself will cause. But there's also the greater jihad, which means just what we thought all along, the expansion of Muslim-ruled territory by holy war, Capt. Jack Sparrow, last pirate.

The scariest thing about the Quran is its Doctrine of Abrogation, meaning that Prophet Muhammad can declare his own pronouncements null and void in later pronouncements, with the Medinan Verses following and superseding the Meccan Verses, or vice-versa, depending on what sect you talk to. And you got it, the Quran isn't arranged chronologically, it takes a lifetime of study to figure out what supersedes what. Meanwhile, even a boy can shoot a gun at an infidel. Hence it's virtually impossible to fight it on its own terms, get it? It's like Strip Poker, in which the last move is chopping off your head.

That understood, I guess all the following quotes from the Quran are void whenever a Muslim disinformation artist goes to work on Western govts. to soften them up for mass Muslim immigration, after which when they move in they become valid again. Govt. know-it-alls can skip this paragraph, everybody else should read it 10 times at least. "The (only) religion (acceptable) before God is Islam." (3:19) "If anyone desires a religion other than Islam, never will it be accepted of him." (3:85) "You are the noblest community ever raised up for mankind." (3:110) "The unbelievers among the people of the book and the pagans shall burn forever in the fires of Hell. They are the vilest of all creatures." (98.6) "Surely the vilest of animals in Allah's sight are those who disbelieve." (8.55) "The unbelievers are your inveterate enemy." (4:101) "Strongest among men in enmity to the believers wilt thou find the Jews." (5:82) "Mohammed is Allah's apostle. Those who follow him are ruthless to the unbelievers but merciful to one another." (48:29). "Believers, take neither the Jews nor the Christians for your friends." (5:51) "Make war on them until idolatry shall cease and Allah's religion shall reign supreme." (8:40) "Fight against them until idolatry is no more and Allah's religion reigns supreme." (2:193) "The true believers fight for the cause of Allah, but the infidels fight for the Devil." (4:76) "We will put terror into the hearts of the unbelievers." (3:151) "I shall cast terror into the hearts of the infidels, strike off their heads, strike off the very tips of their fingers." (8:12) "The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land. That is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the hereafter." (5:33)

Here's some elevating Muhammad quotes, defining his religion of peace and love. Muhammad said to the Jews: "If you embrace Islam, you will be safe. You should know that the Earth belongs to Allah and His apostle, me, and I want to expel you from this land." "You [Muslims] will fight with the Jews till some of them will hide behind stones. The stones will [betray them] saying, 'O 'Abdullah (slave of Allah]! There is a Jew hiding behind me, so kill him.'" "I have been ordered to fight with the people till they say, 'None has the right to be worshipped but Allah', and whoever says that, his life and property will be saved by me." (4:196) "Whoever changes his Islamic religion, kill him." (9:57) "No Muslim should be killed for killing an infidel [kafir]." (9:50) Notice that it's never like 30 days in jail and a 999 dinar fine, it's always kill him kill him kill him, get it?

Obviously, this zero intellectual content brainwash Quran code is great for getting them killers off their asses and out there after some pushups, but a working tribute-collecting church-state union on Muslim-ruled territory has to have a set of rules and regulations, the Sharia (Shari'a) (Shariah) ("way, path"), an elaborate code of laws based on alleged sayings and doings of Big M that took several centuries to formulate between killing sprees, give the gift of death, including the Hand, er, Hadd Offenses, the punishment for which entails stoning, lashes, or severing of a hand. Thus, to be a real Muslim you can't just get by with your Quran, you also have to study the Hadiths and the Sira Rasul Allah, the Muslim biographies of Prophet M, which contradict each other. Let's not smear them, though. Muslims venerate Moses and Jesus as prophets, but only Muhammad is the final and authoritative prophet, so when there is a contradiction keep your head by killing Jews and Christians to gain Paradise, these two corpses here, they're brothers. Sura 5:91 tells believers to abstain from wine and gambling, but it's in the form of a "will you not" not a "thou shalt not", hence most Muslims abstain and some imbibe, including modern-day Iran. It's also curious how the Muslim Halal ("lawful") food laws look suspiciously like the Jewish Kosher (Kashrut) ("fit") food laws, talk to your Jewish doctor about alcohol use, liver disease, and a tendency to fall while standing.

But I'm just an Islamophobe, so I better shut up? That's a great new scare word, it makes smart people sound dangerous for expressing their thoughts, keep going to the U.N. and trying to make it a world crime, except when a Muslim verbally condemns infidels to Hell, that's part of their religion. Sorry, it's all about them not us. Islam is not just another religion that people practice in private inside their temples or churches or synagogues so we can practice live and let live with them. They not only make bad neighbors, they're your worst imaginable nightmare. Everybody who doesn't want to submit, die, or pay a punishment tax for life under their bootheels with a thousand deaths threatened for every attempt to think for yourself or insult their infinitely multiplied honor should be afraid of them coming to town. Even when they don't have the power to take over the govt. and set up horrible Sharia yet, they want to deface the entire city in all ways imaginable to make it unlivable for everybody else, call it the ultimate schmucky insolent arrogant intolerance, I'm reaching for one word to cover it and can't find it, oh yes I can, total submission. Their idea of a church is a mosque, which requires a minaret, or hog-calling tower, where the muezzin loudly calls out to the prostrated ass-crack sniffers the silly la-ilaha I'm ill with Allah Sing Along with Bitch "pillar of Islam" brainwash exercise five times every single day as long as they can get away with it. The very idea presupposes that they own the govt. I know that some churches have bells which they tastefully ring only once a week, some more often, but they don't make everybody stop and get down on the ground like an air raid siren five times a day, do they, call it a loud clock. Where did this horrible arrogant degrading idea come from? Didn't I say the Jews? How? Easy. They used to be big in Egypt, you-guessed-it Alexandria, Egypt, where for ages the pagan nitwits there would prostrate themselves to their One God the Sun and his only son on Earth the pharaoh, and the Christians drove them out to Arabia, so call it Jewish poetic justice to make all Muslims into Egyptians who come out in front of the pyramids en masse to bow to the Great Pharaoh in the Sky and think it's the Creator of the Universe, their Jehovah, chuckle, how retro, what maroons, I bet if they flip Allah the bird he will strike them down with lightning. What a good joke there, you Jew guys, an endless Three Stooges short, not. Good move keeping the Moon worship too, that makes it universal and keeps them busy at nights. But the forced daily prayers teach equality of man since everybody from the king down has to do it, and the king has to smell crack like the most mean peasant? Sure, that puts the religious leaders over the secular leaders, making Western-style church-state separation not only unthinkable but deadly to try, ask any ayatollah about what they do to secular shahs. In our modern Western world the minarets must go, they really must go. They should be outlawed under building height codes, and noise ordinances enforced. Make them wear earphone radios at least, sheesh. Too bad, they will likely want to kill you for trying to stop them, that's what the brainwashing is about, to turn them into Allah's marines ready to kick ass 24/7/365, anybody's ass, right in front of your faces, including infidel government officials.

In short, Muhammad founded a zombie religion based on mass daily public hypnosis requiring abject prostration, followed by killing of hated enemies as the sure road to paradise for the happy shahids (martyrs), in direct contradiction to the Christian church, which up to now gave sainthood to those persecuted and killed by their enemies while they don't resist, and Jesus, who was known for his famous soundbyte "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44), also, "Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven... And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites, for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men.... But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees in secret will reward you" (Matthew 6:1-6), which I guess means that he's calling all Muslims hypocrites, so get out that scimitar and lop some heads for Allah.

How about the Jewish Hebrew Bible?; "Don't put your trust in princes or mortal men, who cannot save... Happy is the one who has the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in Jehovah his God" (Psalms 146:3-5). I guess the Bible wasn't quite the deterrent Jehovah thought it would be.

But let's give the other side a chance. One, it was sure good for Arabia, turning it from an overpopulated backwater desert shithole to a world empire that expanded into the Fertile Crescent by oozing blood and war, Islam the War Religion, conquer their minds as well as their bods. Two, at least the robotification of the masses could be seen to be a path to law and order and peace if if if everybody, and after all, there is one God, that much is sure, never mind that big black idol we'll get to that later, talk to my travel agent, and after Moses and Christ have clearly blown it, it boils down to whether you Arab brothers accept your prophet who's of your house of Ishmael or are content with their prophets who are of the house of pesky Isaac, Jacob and David? Hey, after 2K years of Moses and 600 years of Jesus Christ, so what if you can see the darker side of me, somebody help me through this nightmare, I can't control myself, isn't the world still in a big mess? Try this new Islam stuff, the greatest thing since buttered bread, and try blessing father Abraham 17 times a day to qualify for your government-backed reverse mortgage? Here's how we'll establish eternal law and order, we'll make everybody a cop or sheriff (sharif) who takes an active role 24/7, where church and state are one?

One big difference between the Christian Bible and the Quran is the latter's promise to give martyrs 70 virgins in Paradise, right? Or was that 72? Didn't I hear that before somewhere in Vikingland? Sorry, it's not in there, it was added later by commentator Ibn Kathir and caught on, whap there goes another zillion heads. Actually, the Quran does promise "houris" or virgins, but doesn't name a number, maybe it's infinite, like rolls of toilet paper, after all, once you've jizzed in a virgin, she's not a virgin anymore is she? Too bad, recent work by philologist Christoph Luxenburg indicates that the word houri actually means sheep eyes, er, grapes, especially white ones, get it? As for women, they also go to Paradise, so what do they get, infinite stud muffins and Welch's grape juice? Sorry, Islam treats women as cattle, so the most they can expect probably is one good old fart who doesn't get it on too often.

To be fair, the Quran also says "Whoever takes a life, unless it be for murder or for spreading disorder on Earth, it would be as if he killed all mankind. And whoever saves a life, it would be as if he saved all mankind" (5:32). Also "He who kills a believer intentionally, his reward is Hell, he shall remain there forever" (4.93). I guess that al-Qaida and other world terrorists who are taking the law into their own hands without trying to move in and take the territory, and kill innocent Muslims along with infidels without giving them a chance to convert or pay the jizya like they did in 9/11 are headed to Hell, while those killing to spread the boundaries of their world domination and move in and set up shop are in, too bad that the Quran just says they're going to Hell not that other Muslims must kill them for us, quite the opposite, they will go to Hell if they try, this is a new type of mousetrap from ortho, pass the Charmin Ultra Strong. Guess what the Quran means by those who spread disorder? You guessed it, anybody resisting their Sharia law, which starts out by condemning anybody who isn't a Muslim to Hell.

Oh yes, the subjection of women, perhaps the third worst feature of Islam after their oozing blood and war habit and justification of slavery, which I leave you to look up on your own, I quote Schaff cited above, "Mohammed, by ameliorating the condition of slaves, and enjoining kind treatment upon the masters, did not pave the way for its abolition, but rather riveted its fetters". No surprise, in Islam a Muslim slave is superior to a free non-Muslim. When it came to equal rights for women, always-right Prophet Muhamad declared woman an awra, or shameful orifice, saying that her body was composed of 10 shameful orifices that should remain covered until the grave covered her entirely. Not that women weren't treated as cattle forever in the past in Arabia, but now he tied it to his monotheist absolute truth forever for the future. No, the burqa (full body covering), hijab (head covering, literally curtain), khimar (head scarf), and niqab (face veil) are not actually commanded in the Quran, but it's not commanded to not do it, leaving men in charge either way. To set the example, Big M ordered women he captured in battle and whom he forced to be his wives to cover up and wear da veil that's like a license plate saying previously owned, whereas those captive women he and his army used as sex slaves were not required, making the lack of a veil become the sign that a woman is a lady or a ho. Thus was born the inherent equality of all people, not, rather the inherent inequality between Muslim and non-Muslim, male and female, and free and slave, all said with a face and body blanket, usually black, making a beautiful woman into a walking coffin that isn't allowed to do anything without her male owner's permission. Yah, that's something to fight and conquer the world for. Of course men have shameful orifices too, but less of them, so that proves that God made them superior and put them in charge. Even today Sharia permits wife-beating (Quran 4:34), flogging for a woman for fornication or even going out with her head uncovered, and beheading for adultery, and has really done a number on all women by rigging rape laws so that the woman victim ends up getting put on trial not the male perps, check your local news from Muslimland. Don't even ask what Sharia does with gays and lesbians, it starts with whap. Did I mention Egypt? You got it, Islam makes women into walking mummies while their male mental slaves bow to the Great Pharaoh in the Sky and thank him for everything. How's this for guidance on sexual equality? A son's inheritance should be twice that of a daughter (Quran 4:11), and the testimony of a woman is worth half that of a man (Quran 2:282), the religion where romance isn't a must.

Did I mention that later on Muslims even attempted to frame the Bible on predicting Muhammad's coming, while forgetting they claim it's corrupt and not to be trusted, between wiping the Christian and Jewish blood off their swords? To show low they go, they take one word out of Song of Solomon 5:16 and try to twist it into the name Muhammad, don't take my word for it, watch a great YouTube from a modern-day learned Muslim ignoramus. Did I mention that to be a Muslim one must love Muhammad more than oneself (Quran 33.6), else one's iman (inner conviction) isn't complete? After all he had a good sense of humor, get the one about grabbing Zahir from behind in a market and asking if anyone will buy this slave, why ain't I laughing? The Bible did predict his coming, as the Antichrist, pardon me while I puke.

Back to the Muhammad story. In 613 Momma's-good-looks wild-imagination-college-education Ultimate Prophet Muhammad began his public preaching on the streets of pagan Mecca, hoping to have an easy time shocking and aweing the polytheists into monotheism once he explained how Hubal, er, Allah had made the Arabs the Chosen People, his unbelievable talent is only matched by the size of his heart. Too bad, it didn't take too well, he'd have to hone his act and get some new props.

In 619 while holed-up in the mountains around Mecca with his followers, 50-y.-o. Prophet Muhammad went through his Year of Sorrow as his beloved uncle Abu Talib (b. 549) (his chief protector in Mecca) died, followed by his rich wife Lady Khadija (his first convert to Islam), leaving him four children, all female (daughters of her first hubby?), Zainab, Ruqaiya, Umm Kulthum, and Fatimah, after sons Qasim (d. 605) and Abd-Allah (d. 615) died in infancy or childhood. He then married 55-y.-o. true believer widow Sawda bint Zama ibn Qayyis ibn Abd Shams in Shawwal. Meanwhile the lonely prophet, "as many men do in their declining years, he developed a disagreeably strong interest in women" (H.G. Wells), and proceeded to acquire several (10-12) wives, who were later given the Muslim title "Mother of the Believers", because of the Quran verse "The Prophet is closer to the Believers than their own selves, and his wives than their mothers" (meaning that Muslims can't marry his widows since it would be like marrying their own muddahs), including Aisha (Ayesha) (614-78) (Arabic for woman - what twisted humor) (daughter of Abu Bakr) (he married her at age 6, then ignobly waited to consummate at age 9 before her first menstrual cycle, showing that it's Allah's will to be a holy pedophile as long as her hairless clitorisless vagina can handle your grown man's prick, that's Muslim girl power, hey don't blame this on Arabs, he caused a furor even in his day when he did this), Mary, an Egyptian Coptic Christian concubine who bore him a boy, Ibrahim, who later died (his subsequent showing of favoritism to Mary caused a mutiny in his harem), and Safiyya bint Huyayy (610-70) (wife #11), the wife of a Jew that he had captured and executed that same evening after picking her out of a lineup of captive women, see outtakes of "Schindler's List". By the way, the horrible example Muhammad set with Aisha is sometimes excused by Muslim disinformation artists by pointing to Jewish King David, who in his old age asked for young virgin Abishag to lie beside him at night to keep him warm, but the Bible is very careful to state that he had no intimate relations with her and never tried to put a ring on a finger and start shagging her or anything else, not that her age was even mentioned, she must have been in her teens at least, sorry (1 Kings 1:1-3).

In 620, his cult being persecuted by the unapologetic pagans of Mecca, loser Muhammad left the mountains and sought refuge in the neighboring town of Tayf, but was driven out with stones, and returned, licking his wounds. Just then the inhabitants of Yathrib (pop. 15K) to the north, an oasis town inhabited by Yemenites (many of them Jewish, guess which tribe), having embraced his One True God teaching (probably because of Jewish proselyting), and hearing of him on their pilgrimages to Mecca, sent him an invitation to come and rule them and become their next Brigham Young, not knowing he'd become the Arab Hitler, the Dark Cave is going to be a great tourist trap, let's buy the stock now. But he was a shrewd dude, and began a nearly 2-year parley with them, sending his reps in advance to make sure it wasn't a trap, after which in 621 Muhammad, safe in throbbing Yathrib and well-fucked with all his hot new wives, allegedly achieved full spiritual enlightenment, with the big year 666 right ahead, the tribe has spoken.

When I say full spiritual enlightement, I mean the grand tour, the Isra and Mi'raj night journey and ascension to heaven from either Mecca or Jerusalem on the winged miracle mule Buraq ("lightning") in the 12th year of his mission (621), where of course he met his fellow prophets, including Abraham, Moses and Jesus, and Allah himself, the Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and not only wasn't struck dumb in the presence of Allah, but talked him down from fifty to five prayers a day like a good Arab wheeler-dealer, then refreshed, came back on his Mission from God to kick the whole planet's butt and kill everybody that won't get down on their faces facing the Big Black Cube five, count 'em five times every day and bare their necks so that there will be total Body Slam. When he returned, his friend Abu Bakr immediately accepted his story, even without a group photo or even an autograph (no wonder Muslims can't stomach a Muhammad cartoon, it would show him up), causing him to receive the name The Dumbass, er, Us-Siddiq (The Truthful). Coincidentally, the Christian bedrock principle of Original Sin, that all people are born in sin and are unworthy of approaching God until their sins are forgiven through Christ was neatly chucked, and now every sin-soaked pedophile killer raghead can approach Allah if they pray five times a day with clean ass cracks and then take orders from him to be his kill tools and make the blood of cross-kissers flow for Jesus himself, chuckle, you gotta be an Arab to be this dumb. I guess the Jews perverted the Christian Bible too where it says Jesus is the only name among men by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12). Oh I get it, Jews don't read that stuff, neither do Arabs. Oh, but some Jews do. In Islam, a person starts out with a clean Sin Slate, then Allah keeps a tally of sins and good works until he dies, and passes him if his good works such as killing infidels outweigh his sins such as lying, cheating, stealing, raping, etc., that's why so many take the killing-infidels route to make sure their sins are in, in fact, you pretty much have to kill some infidels, get it, keep it within yourself, your teammates played a hell of a game today.

Which brings us to the year 622. Having entered Mecca for the yearly shindig, the elders plotted to murder the pesky egotistical bum, breaking the law of sanctuary, and every family in the city except Muhammad's approved his murder in advance. Too bad, on July 16 they rushed into his room, only to find his adopted son Ali sleeping in his bed, and Muhammad flown the coop, after which he began his Hejira (Hegira) ("flight"), fleeing Mecca, then feinting first S, then N, arriving on Sept. 20 in Yathrib, which was renamed Medinat al Nabi (Medina) ("city of the prophet") (not Muhammad-dina?), his own Salt Lake City, where he arbitrated a blood feud between the Aw and Khazraj tribes, and established the first umma (Islamic theocratic community), consisting of the muhajirun (Meccans who followed Big M to Little M) and the ansar (Medinan converts). Both Mecca and Medina are on the W side of Arabia in the Hejaz (al-Hejaz) ("the barrier"), a strip bordering the Red Sea extending from Haql on the Gulf of Aqaba in the N to fig-producing Jizan in the S, I guess them Arabs love their jizz.

Muslims date history from this July 16, 622 event (Muharram 1, 1 A.H.) because it's the first time that Islam existed as a religious-social-political system with a military leader directing the killing of innocent people with their knickers in a twist, and not just a personal faith. Notice that I said political-religious-social system. There is no room for separation of church and state, sorry, it's about total world domination, the World Mental AIDS Plague is loosed. The Muslim calendar consists of a 354-day guess-what-lunar year with 12 months of 29-30 days, which is never corrected so that religious days fall eventually in all seasons, and there's no escape, mwuhahaha.

But guess what? Medina was full of Jews too. At first Muhammad thought that the three Jewish tribes in Medina (Banu Qaynuqa, Banu Nadir, Banu Qurayza) would see the light and embrace his new religion, incorporating the fast of Yom Kippur into Islamic ritual and designating Jerusalem as the Muslim prayer direction, as after all they taught him monotheism in the first place, and they told him how that pesky bastard Jesus of Nazareth claimed to be their Messiah but was given due process of law and executed for blasphemy and treason, and how his body was stolen by his followers from a you-guessed-it dark cave so they could claim he rose from the dead to make dupe converts, and how it's been 600 years and he didn't return like he promised, so the real Messiah must be due, and it's him, give me your Jewish girl infants and I'll do 'em proud. Too bad, they proved stiff-necked like they did with Jesus, and told him he was Looney Tunes and insulted Da Prophet to his face, which pissed him off and caused him to decide to whack them to prove he's better than both them and Jesus Freaks, although they would both know it proves he's worse, and he began raiding the caravans of Mecca, always unsuccessfully, preferring to set out on Thursdays, and liking to start out in the opposite direction of his intended target to fool spies. After all, his Allah told him that anybody who doesn't believe in him will be tortured forever in Hell, but Allah doesn't do any killing himself, he's an impotent Ass Clown in a cave, no, you my puppets must do my killing for me, and I'll be waiting in Hell to, er, that makes Allah into Stephen King's Pennywise the Ass Clown, AKA the Devil, don't tell anybody, suckas. Them Jews is hated by everybody, so killing them off will be wildly popular, and as for them whiny Christians, who guilt-tripped the pagan Romans and turned them sick inside with empathy, sorrow, conscience, etc., the Devil's new religion will turn it all against them as Muhammad's Terminators will actually get their mental dope fix by lopping their praying heads off and shouting Ass Clown is the Greatest, send me to Hell, stick me up the Devil's ass. Call it a test of their faith, but if Christians have to turn to the Devil to defeat us Muslims, they lose by winning, can't they read St. John's Revelation where their Christ predicts that we will take over the whole world (Rev. Ch. 13), and that only his personal arrival with an army of angels can stop us? (Rev. Ch. 19) What was that Christ said long before Kutam was shitting yellow? "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world if he loses his own soul?" (Mark 8:36). Yes, let's call his bluff, why not, I got 666 reasons that says Jesus is a fraud, and if so we got ourselves a world, even if it won't be fit to live in because we'll all be slaves of the Devil, I will be long gone from Earth and ruling with him at his left side in Sucker Paradise Hell. That's why the Devil sent the Big Black Cube down about the time of Christ, as his countermove? Check back with me after Armageddon if you can.

Speaking of revelations and Armageddon, the test of a true revelation from God must be that it can predict the future, right? Welcome to Chez Nous, may I take off your chapeau, monsieur? The Cave Sura (18 Al-Kahf) is the one that claims that Allah revealed the Quran in the Dark Cave in order to remove the errors that had crept into his own scriptures that were being thumped in Muhammad's day by pesky Byzantine Christians and Jews, and warns those who ascribe a son to God that by doing so they are incurring Allah's wrath and will go straight to Hell. Besides, true Christians will hate Islam, but their end will not be like their beginning, because the Cave Sura also contains Islam's End of Days predictions, just as accurate as the rest of the Quran. You see, in the Big Inning these pesky Bible-thumping Christians were weak and suffered bitter persecution from pagan Romans, but Allah had mercy on them and delivered them from their trials and tribulations and put them on the road to progress and prosperity, but after they grew rich and prosperous they descended to idolatrous practices, and instead of turning to Allah they turned to the world and became entirely lost, so screw them and don't pay taxes. Thus true believer Muslims are warned to learn by example and not end up rich and prosperous like them busy bee Byzantines and money-grubbing Jews, which is a safe bet if they do all them prayers and waste all that time and energy memorizing the Quran then trying to figure out what supersedes what. The Cave Sura proceeds to mention the great dispensation given to Moses in his vision, and how it was incomplete, but now Allah's new dispensation of Salami Salami Baloney Islam will bring to perfection and completion Moses' incomplete teaching and emerge triumphant from the ashes (make a note) of decadent Christendom, sounds suspicously like a pissed-off Jew talking in a sock puppet doesn't it? Of course the infallible Allah describes the conditions which will follow the final total triumph of Islam, namely, a time when Muslims would also turn their backs on religion and become engrossed in the pursuit of material wealth and power like the Saudi royal family, and that to punish them of their sins Allah would once again grant success and prosperity to Christian nations which for a time had been restrained from advancing into their regions, after which a great destruction will be brought upon the world, the nations will split into two hostile camps wedded to opposite ideologies, with sin and inequity being the hallmark of the non-Allah camp, after which Allah will create circumstances that finally check the seemingly irresistible flood threatening to engulf the entire world. In passing, Mankind Back to the Stone Age Cave Sura hints that the same people will play an important part in arresting and stopping this flood who had once before broken the political power of evil Gog and Magog, which Jews believe to be the descendants of Noah's son Japthet, and Bible-thumping Christians believe to be the modern nations that will back Antichrist in the End of Days and try to destroy them, so obviously the final conflict will be an all-out Armageddon between Christians and Muslims where blood flows in oceans while the Jews sit on the sidelines and cheer, or play both sides against each other, or maybe get caught in a sandwich, the Bloody Meat Trinity. The Christians believe that the Antichrist will also attack the Jews, and when they're about to be destroyed they suddenly loosen their stiff necks and finally accept Christ, who saves them all, I don't care if you're a butler or chiropractor, I love you. Incidentally, the Quran's own prophesy of two irreconcilable world camps doesn't seem to encourage mass Muslim immigration to the West, now does it, maybe they'll read this and all go back despite the gift certificate offers to stay from Western history ignoramuses. Either way, let's hope the Age of Religion ends before any of the three God-believing holy-book-thumping camps get a chance to fulfill their own lovely prophesies and ruin the world. It's horrible End of Days prophesies that keep all these holy book religions going, isn't it?

In 623 Muhammad's raiders were finally successful in attacking a small caravan of Mecca, and killing a man, I wouldn't be surprised if it were a Jew. As this was in the sacred month of Rahab, it broke the ancient customary truce of the Arab Amphictyony and caused a big scandal, that'll show them that I don't break the rules I make the rules.

In Jan. 8, 624 Muhammad and all 313 of his crazed warriors defeated an army of 700 Meccans led by Abu Jahl guarding a Kurashite caravan outside Mecca at the badass Battle of Badr (Arabic for full moon), killing 50-60, including Kurashite chief Abu Sufjan ibn Harb, and wounding an equal number. Happy Muhammad returned in triumph to Medina, converting many munafiqun (doubting Medinans), and was then inspired by Allah to order the assassination of a number of Jews who had been heckling his new monotheistic revelations, banishing the Jewish tribe of Banu Qaynuqa. Badr became a popular Muslim name for girls.

On Mar. 23, 625 3.2K Meccans led by Abu Sufyan kicked the butts of Prophet Muhammad and his 1K-man army at the Battle of Mt. Uhud in NW Arabia near Medina, knocking the unportrayable prophet down and nearly killing him, darn it, I'd like to have that vid, and causing his followers to turn tail and flee. Too bad, the Mecca Lekka Hi Mecca Lekka Lo, Mecca Lekka Chonny Ho didn't follow up and enter Medina, so Muhammad survived to fight another day, retiring to rally his followers and lick his wounds, and writing some suras for his best-selling Quran: "The suras of the Koran which are attributed to this period, excel nearly all the others in their majesty and sublime confidence" (Sir Mark Sykes). Feeling good again, he accused the most wealthy of the two remaining Jewish tribes, the Banu Nadir, of treason and expelled them from Medina.

In 627 the Meccans decided to finish Muhammad and his 3K men off with an army of 10K, starting the Battle of the Trench (Confederates) on Mar. 31. Too bad, after they arrived at Medina they found that it had a new trench and wall, the product of a Persian convert. The trench must have been a technological breakthrough to these camel drivers who worshipped water like natives of Arrakis, and they hunkered down puzzling what to do so long that they finally dispersed in Apr. without finishing the job. Just kidding about the trench, it wasn't filled with water, that's just the version in the Muhammad cartoons. Contrast this self-proclaimed anointed one of the one-and-only Creator of the Universe having to hide behind a ditch, with his main competitor Jesus Christ, who once said he could snap his fingers and get a legion of angels to defend him from the entire Roman army, I like that cartoon better, good job, Mel. Oh yes, Muhammad never claimed to be anointed like Jesus, Moses and the other prophets of God, guess he slipped up somewhere and went off half-cocked.

Free of the Meccans at last, Muhammad raided and defeated the last Jewish tribe of Banu Qurayza, who had a well-circumcised castle near Medina, and had 700 (900) Jews beheaded (not that head), and their women and children enslaved. Helped by the fact that they were among the bidders for these choice slaves, the head, er, leading men in Mecca began to come over to Muhammad's side, and he now was indisputed ruler of a unified Medina, seeking to extend his power, I don't want anybody working with me who's scared, okay?

In Mar. 628 after Muhammad led 1.4K followers to Mecca to perform a pilgrimage, he was stopped 10 mi. away near the Hudaybiyyah spring by troops of the Quraish tribe that run it, led by Suhail ibn Amr. After sizing each other up for a fight, Allah allegedly sent the "sakina" (spirit of peace) into their hearts, and they signed the 10-year Treaty of Hudaybiyyah (who da big boss?), allowing Muslims to enter the city and perform the circuit for 3 days, beginning not this year but next, as long as they enter unarmed except for sheathed swords. Muhammad then turned back to Medina, trying to explain the defeat as a V by telling them that Allah has promised them the spoils of the Jewish town of Khaybar (Khaibar), which they sacked 6 weeks later, beheading all the Jews that survived, Muhammad personally talking with a black haggard donkey who called himself Yazid Ibn Shihab, whom he renamed Yafoor, adopting him for his ride after making sure he didn't desire females. No, I didn't make this up, but I wish I had.

Muhammad then ordered his faithful jackasses to turn towards Mecca when they pray rather than Jerusalem as they have done till now (i.e., it's the new qibla), and declared Mecca their permanent pilgrimage center, like it had been for the polytheist pagans. He also allegedly converted the Arab states of Bahrain and Qatar, same old establishment, different owner.

About this time the courts of Byzantine Emperor Heraclius I (575-641) in Constantinople (Greek Orthodox Catholic), Persian Shah Kavadh II (590-628) in Ctesiphon (Zoroastrian), and Tang Emperor Tai Zong (Tai Tsung) (599-649) in Canton (Buddhist) were visited by Arab envoys of the new kid on the block, "the prophet of God, Muhammad", residing in the squalid trading town of Medina in deodorant-challenged Arabia, who sent them letters telling them to acknowledge the one true Alpha (with him as Omega?) and submit, or else. As the story goes, Heraclius, busy with restoring order in Persia shrugged it off, while Kavadh, hearing of how Muhammad had dechristianized and Muslimized Yemen, tore it up, threw it in the envoy's face and ordered Muhammad to fuck off, causing the latter to cry to Allah to rend his kingdom from him. Only emperor Tai Zong treated his envoys with respect, and allowed them to build a mosque for Arab traders in Canton. As a side note, the Muslim envoys of Messina arrived in Canton via a ship coming from Yanbu, the port of Medina in Arabia, showing the existence of east-west trade in those times.

Not that Tsai-Tung was about to adopt Islam. In 635 he also received Christian Nestorian monk Alopen (Olopen) (Olopan) (Olopuen) (Chin. pronunciation of "Rabban") with respect, heard their yim yam out, and ordered the Christian scriptures translated into Chinese for further study, permitting Alopen to found the first Nestorian Christian mission in China, which never took and was dissolved by the 13th cent., golly, that sure looks delicious, let's eat.

In 629 Muhammad led his followers back to Mecca, and the pagans vacated the city for three days to allow them to circle around and kiss the Black Cube That Fell From Outer Space pagan-style, the original Cuba Gooding Show Me the Money. He then sent 3K of his men to the Byzantine city of Busra to conquer and convert the pagan Ghassanid Arabs there for killing his emissary, and ended up fighting the Battle of Mu'tah E of the Jordan River in modern-day Jordan, getting his ass kicked by a superior Byzantine force he wasn't expecting and retreating, calling it a push to save face since his black freed slave and adopted son Zayd was killed.

Also in 629, after defeating the Persians, Byzantine emperor Heraclius I marched into Jerusalem, and the Jews suddenly flip-flopped and claimed to be on his side, but he was probably figuring out the Arab thing by now in his subconscious, as proved by a dream that the Byzantine Empire will be destroyed through a circumcised people, and ordered them massacred by fanatical monks (later covered-up by claiming the monks did it on their own just as he was about to conclude a peace with them?), causing tens of thousands of Jews to flee to Egypt, at least they got good libraries and beachfront property is available, it's the original Miami, driving them into the arms of the Christian Copts, who were sore at them for aiding the Persians also, and massacred some of them, but not all, since there were 40K left in Alexandria alone. That was the last straw, I'm sure, and them Jewish puppetmasters finally showed their Arab Manchurian Candidate the Red Queen card and let the dogs of war loose on all Christians everywhere forever.

In Jan. 630 (10 Ramadan, 8 A.H.), after suddenly deciding to break his peace treaty with them, Puppet Prophet Muhammad surprised and captured Mecca, entered the city with 10K men in triumph, killed 28 opponents, removed the statue of the god Hubal from the Kaaba, destroyed all tribal idols, and announced the Law of Islam (Shari'ah) (Sharia), after which the entire pop. was converted to Islam by the sword, and kafirs (non-believers) were forbidden to enter the city forever, the dogs are probably a case for the Supreme Court. The Muslims call it the Fatah-e-Mubeen or Glorious Victory. Black Abyssinian ex-slave Bilal summoned Muslims for the first time from the roof of the Kaaba, I wonder how this would look from space? From now on all Muslims must face the kiblah (direction of the Kaaba) when praying, and all mosques have a mihrab or niche carved in the wall pointing the way. The Kaaba was laundered by Muhammad's holy Crapola, er, Koran, and was now supposed to have been given to the patriarch Abraham by the angel Gabriel, and was originally white but turned black from the sins of mankind (therefore white is right with Allah and Muhammad - small wonder that Joseph Smith copied them in his Book of Moron, making black skin a punishment for sinning, which neatly takes care of most Muslims, who happened to be swarthy even before the big conversion, grin).

Three weeks later, 10K Muslim Medinans and 2K new PC Meccans defeated a confederation of the pissed-off pagan bedouin tribe of Hawazin-Thaqif from the nearby city of Ta'if in SW Arabia at the Battle of Hunayn, and captured big booty, and Muhammad was official Cock of the Big Black Rock, beginning to receive tribal delegations (wufud) from throughout Arabia, and making them pay the alms tax (sadaqa) to him at Medina, listen to the way it rolls off your tongue, it sounds like a perfume.

Later Muhammed led an army of 30K to the northern city of Tabuk on the Syrian border to take on a Byzantine Christian army, which never showed up, after which he returned and scolded the "hypocrites" who stayed behind and/or didn't finance the jihad ("all-out struggle for Allah") (holy war for Islam, a Muslim engaged in it being called a mujahid, plural mujahideen), and issued his bloody Sura 9:5, along with Sura 9:123: "Oh you who believe, fight the unbelievers around you, and let them see how harsh you can be; know that Allah is with them", with Sura 9:111 promising those who "slay and are slain" paradise, and Sura 4:136-7 condemning future Western immigrant Muslims et al. as "those who take disbelievers as allies", and going on to insure that Islam repeatedly teaches Muslims never to make friends with unbelievers. One goes in, millions come out, searching for the next victim, until there's nothing left to kill, you have to love its simplicity, it's one-billionth our size and it's killing us.

The main base secured, and the Christians he feared since his birth in the Year of the Elephant proved to be wusses, starting in 631 Muhammad's followers began spreading out in a mad rush to bring the rest of Arabia into submission to the new cult on the block in order to increase the size of their army. Too bad, in Mar. 632 62-y.-o. Muhammad, now the Master of Arabia and no longer needed by his puppetmasters, no management skills, led the Hajjatul Wada (Farewell Pilgrimage) from Medina to Mecca, then on the 9th day of Dhul al Hijjah (the 12th and last mo. of the Islamic calendar, when Muslims do the Hajj) delivered his Last Sermon to the People in the Uranah Valley of Mount Arafat in Mecca to 124K, forbidding all plunder and blood feuds among believers, and commanding all believers, even slaves to treat each other as brothers, obviously a ripoff of St. Paul's Epistle to the Galatians 3:28, the epistle Jews love to hate the most, what a coincidence. He preached merchant honor, commanding that 90% of a Muslim's life be devoted to work in order to put food on the table. His speech includes the soundbytes "All humanity came from Adam and Eve, thus an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, or vice-versa; neither does a white have any superiority over a black or vice-versa", er, the last part is a Muslim disinformation that made its rounds on the Internet. Also, "No prophet or messenger will come after me and no new true faith will be born", sorry Joseph Smith and L. Ron Hubbard. One of his last instructions was to expel all Christians and Jews from the Arabian peninsula, I love my Quran Coffeemaker. He then returned to Medina, sickened of a fever, and died on June 8, 632 in the lap of his favorite wife Ayesha (A'isha), leaving only some mats, blankets, jugs and other personal items, a white mule and a little piece of land he had already willed away. His burial place was kept secret, good idea, imagine how many would like to get even, at least they didn't make up a story about him being the son of God and rising from the grave, although in retrospect that might have been a fatal booboo, check back with me later. Later the story was changed and Muhammad was buried in his own house, which is also a mosque, no need to lose all that tourist revenue. Muhammad's Tomb and the land on which he is allegedly buried became the most holy site in Islam, even more holy than Mecca and Medina. Some think he died as a result of being served poisoned meat by a Jewish woman getting revenge for what he did to Khaybar. Good timing in retrospect as this upside-down Christ dies 600 years after the real one, but with infinitely more sin mileage, covered in his own I'm-holy-fuck-you-or-you're-dead fake holy Satanic b.s., becoming the Ghost Hitler Who Rules Through a Music Score Disguised as a Book, launching a mental AIDS into the human species that is finally exterminated in the year ?, I wish, it's a challenge of knowledge delivery systems that only Science and Technology can solve. What did Jeezy already predict about him, call him psychic? "Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, for you are like whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of death and everything unclean" (Matthew 23:27).

He was survived by daughter Fatima Zahra (d. 633) and nine, count 'em nine wives but no sons, and since he didn't make a provision for political succession, a power struggle ensued, and his father-in-law Abu Bakr (572-634) was elected by a shura (committee) as the first successor (caliph) (kalifa) to the Prophet (not the next prophet, as Big M is the final prophet), because, like the first four Rashidun or Rightly Guided (Righteous) Caliphs (632-61), he was married to a daughter of the Prophet or had given his daughter to him in marriage, and was one of the Prophet's Sahaba (close companions), and his daughter was Big M's favorite wife.

At Abu Bakr's accession many Arab tribes revolted, starting with the Banu Hanifa, who lived in the garden spot of C Arabia now known as Riyadh ("gardens"), causing him to begin the Ridda (Apostasy) Wars to rid da Arabian peninsula of apostasy, bloodily reconsolidating Arabia by 633. Then, obeying those letters that the Prophet had sent to "all the monarchs of the world" in 628, caliph Abu Bakr declared did-I-mention jihad (Arabic for "all-out struggle for Allah") (holy war to spread Muslim rule over more territory, a person engaged in it being called a mujahid, plural mujahideen) on the Roman (Byzantine) and Persian empires, sending little fanatical armies of 3K-4K Arabs at them. They do like to send little fanatical armies at ya, don't they?

The first general, Usamah (Osama) ("lion") bin Zayd (612-) (son of the dude who died at the Battle of Mu'tah Fuck'ah, whom Muhammad appointed to CIC of his armies a few days before his death, pissing the other generals off - Osama bin Laden wishes he could equal his success) then led an expedition to pesky Byzantine-controlled Syria with the goal of reaching Constantinople, while the 2nd general, Khalid ("immortal") ibn al-Walid ("newborn child") (592-642) (who was on the Meccan side in the 625 attack on Muhammad, then converted to Islam in 629, and goes on to never know defeat in 100 battles) led a 2nd expedition to pesky Persia, which had recently had the stuffing knocked out of it by the Byzantines and was on its knees, beginning with the frontier town of Hira (capital of Persia's richest province of Iraq, and under the control of an Arab tributary prince), which fell in the last week of May 633. Too bad, before they finished off Persia, the Byzantines had been seriously weakened by the Persians, making both of them easy game for the new Allah Akbars. To add fuel to the fire, as soon as they met up, the Christians began calling the new Mahometans (Muslims) idolaters and pagans, pissing them off no end. The real question: would Muhammad have ordered the execution of Christ if he told him he was the Son of God? You bechya.

Each time they offered three choices to the infidels they met: convert, pay tribute forever, or become worm food. Hey, before you knock it, think about it awhile This religion beats mixed-up incomprehensible, schismed, priest-ridden Christinsanity, it has no sacrifies or priesthood like Judaism, and Christianity's heaven is too hard to attain, while with Shalom for Lamers anybody can understand the perils of Hell, the rewards of Paradise with a guaranteed 72 virgins, and the brotherhood of true blood-stained believers here on Earth, boys will be boys, right? And Muhammad is no impossible god-man who has never sinned, but more of a Jewish-type King David or Moses, who is just as Semitic as they are, but the Jews came from the bad side of Abraham's house, and we Arabs are the good side, never mind how we ended up in this desert hellhole, it's our turn to take the Promised Land. And anyway, the Jewish Temple is kaput and Jews can't get forgiveness of sins by sacrifices of sheep anymore, so what's wrong with this new source of sheep to slaughter, infidel sheep, that'll save our souls, chuckle, think of all the women slaves we'll get. Go on, buy this new Islam stuff, it's leading edge, because you don't ever have to think for yourself again, we tell you just how and when to pray, how to act, and forget all the other monotheist religions that don't want you to hurt a fly, let's turn back the calendar, murder, rape and torture are OK with your monomaniac god Allah now, so sign right here and join the quick line by dying in a jihad and bypassing Allah's judgment seat on your way to the Big P and (did we mention?) your bonus of 72 sexy Vs from divinematch dot com.

In 633, talk about bad timing, while the Saracens were winning battle after battle out in the East, the Fourth Council (Synod) of Toledo in Spain, called by Visigoth king Sisenand and presided over by Archbishop St. Isidore ("gift of Isis" - don't ask) of Seville (560-636) met in the church of St. Leocadia, and removed all taxes on the clergy and proclaimed the right of nobles and bishops to confirm elections to the Visigothic crown. It also prohibited the pesky Jews from keeping slaves, and put all tithes in the care of the bishop. So much for church-state separation. After thinking it through to the max for centuries, X marks the spot, the Filioque Clause was inserted into the 381 Trinitarian (anti-Arian) Creed of the First Council of Constantinople after the words "We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father", adding "and [from] the Son" to emphasize that Jesus the Son is of equal divinity with God the Father and has equal spirit-generating mojo. Too bad, the Eastern Orthodox Church couldn't spit, er, swallow it, since it couldn't get over how/why a father isn't superior to his own jism, er, son, and declared it heretical in 867, then jismed, er, schismed completely with the Roman Church in Crab Nebula Year 1054, I'll come back to that later.

On July 30, 634 the 20K-man army of the Arab Muslim Saracens (Arab. "shirqiyyeen" = easterners) defeated the 80K-man army of the Byzantines at the Battle of Ajnadayn in S Palestine, and took Bostra and Baalbek, building a mosque inside the ancient Temple of Jupiter, which had been converted into a fortress, hehehe, I am strong like the ox, I crush you like crumb. They then swept up the coast of Palestine as far as Caesarea, forcing Jews to convert to Islam by the sword, which really did the remaining Samaritans in, so that by 2007 there were only 712 left. On Aug. 23, 634 Abu Bakr (b. 573) died, and was succeeded by Muhammad's adviser and brother-in-law Omar (Umar) ("long life") ibn Al-Khattab (582-644) as caliph #2 (until 644), going on to conquer Syria, Persia, and Egypt, defeat Byzantine emperor Heraclius I, and institute the Islamic taxation system, which requires "People of the Book" (Ahl al-kitab) (pesky Jews and Christians, who go for that perverted version of the Quran they call the Little Library of Books or Bible) to pay a special poll tax, which they call the jizya ("punishment") (as required by Surah 9:29), as in pay it or I'll jizz in ya face and kill ya, and (after too many feigned conversions to avoid the ban on non-Muslim ownership of land) a special land tax called the kharaj in order to practice their faith and not be killed for failing to submit (it is usually grudgingly accepted with a slap in the face?), ending up financing the Muslim state when they captured Syria and Egypt, which had large Christian pops., meaning no taxes Syria and Egypt, which had large Christian pops., meaning no taxes for the lucky Muslim faithful (gain the world and lose your soul jokes here?). "Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by Allah and his Messenger, nor acknowledge the religion of truth, (even if they are) of the People of the Book, until they pay the Jizya with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued." (Quran 9:29)

Omar also created garrison settlements (amsar) to keep Arab troops separate from newly conquered peoples, founding the new cities of Kufa (639) and Basra (636) in Iraq, and Fustat (later Cairo) (642) in Egypt. He knew which side his bread was buttered on, and made Islam attractive for soldiers by establishing the diwan, a list of soldiers entitled to govt. stipends ('ata), with the earlier converts getting higher pay.

On Sept. 20, 634 after reaching Damascus, being forced to withdraw to Yarmuk, defeating the Byzantines, then reattacking with the help of the Monophysites in Syria (who were tired of Roman Catholic persecution), the Muslims under Khalid ibn Walid captured Damascus, capital of Syria, and forced the Pact of Omar on the Christian dhimmis (people of the dhimma or protection pact), which prohibited them from building new churches or repairing existing ones, practicing their religion publicly or converting anyone to it, displaying the cross or ringing church bells, riding saddles or bearing arms, selling alcoholic beverages, displaying wine or pork openly, etc., and forced them to show respect to Muslims, give them their seats if asked, plus free room and board for three days, etc., even forcing them to look different than Muslims so there will be no question who's superior to who by wearing the zunnar (zonnar) (wide cloth belt), keeping to the side of the street and never using the Muslim greeting "as-Salamu alaykum", all this protection from being murdered in return for paying the jizya (protection money). I wonder why Western govts. welcome Muslim immigrants today if they read this, the Nazis sure did. Ascetic Damascus-born Egyptian-trained monk Sophronius (560-638) fled and became Christian patriarch of Jerusalem (until 638), giving a Christmas sermon noting that the I-love-you-too-much Muslims already control Bethlehem, and calling them "unwitting representatives of God's inevitable chastisement of weak and wavering Christians".

Notice that I didn't say you have to convert or die, and if I did, I ain't sorry. True, when it came to their pagan polytheist Arab brothers, that was da choice, it's a matter of ending them family feuds with a final solution and all that jazz. But with "People of the Book", no, you only have to submit to their theocratic rule or die, after which you can pay tribute forever or convert and help expand their territory by your own killing forever, as if you're not under eternal pressure and are treated as politically sidelined second class merde with little or no personal rights until you do, but not really, because they prefer to make both death and taxes inescapable so they can ride you like a talking donkey did I say forever. Back then, if you were a Christian and they hadn't conquered your territory yet, you'd spread the story that that's what they'd make you do, convert to being an idolatrous infidel that has to kiss a big Black Dick, er, Cube and deny that Christ is God so you doom yourself to Hell, or die and receive a martyr's reward of Heaven, call it put up or shut up, maybe God is allowing Islam as your ultimate test. Only after it was too late would you find out your other options, on your knees, a lifetime of slavery then face God and tell him you were a coward. Even today, time doesn't change that formula. If a Muslim army could conquer Europe, they would dissolve all their governments, parliaments, national assemblies, European Union, etc., and set up their own military occupation government where you are forced to listen to them endless hypnotic prayers from the minarets 365 days a year, 5 times a day, forever. If a Muslim army could conquer the U.S., down would come the Stars and Stripes, and out would go the Constitution and Bill of Rights, right into the fire, along with most Western infidel culture, which would be classified as blasphemous and sacrilegious. Women would have to cover up like the cattle they are, and live under their horrible sharia laws and spread it for their hubbies at age 9. Not that a few or a large group of Muslims couldn't immigrate and pretend to accept the infidel government, but you and I both know they're just biding their time for the main army to arrive, and then they'll be ready to join them, Allah be praised, gag. Back to the timeline.

The year 636 wasn't the year 666, but to the superstitious it was 2 out of 3 at least. On July 23, 636 the Muslim Arabs under Gen. Khalid captured Gaza, the principal Jewish community in Byzantine Judea from the Byzantines, then laid siege to Jerusalem for two years, taking it in 639. Meanwhile on Aug. 15-20 25K-40K Muslim Arabs under Gen. Khalid defeated 80K-100K Christian Byzantines under Heraclius I at the epic Battle Yarmuk (Yarmouk) on the banks of the Yarmuk River (tributary of the Jordan River) near Hira, with 50K Byzantines vs. 4K Muslims killed, and captured Damascus, which became the capital of the caliphs until 750 (which they went on to fortify and adorn), while going on to annex the rest of the Levant, making Syria (part of the Roman empire since 64 B.C.E.), er, Muslim. Don't blame the Christians entirely though. Part of the reason for their defeat was that the Byzantines were used to hiring Christian Ghassanid Arab auxiliaries for their cavalry, most of whom double-crossed them and switched sides, leaving them up Shit Creek without a paddle, I had a really strong feeling about this one, shit.

It's all Muslim good news now. In 637 Persian resistance to the Muslims stiffened, and Persian Gen. Rustam gave them a damned good fight at the Battle of Kadessia (Qadisiyya) in Iraq, sitting on a golden throne on a raised platform at the rear of his ranks of levied soldiers. Too bad, after three days of a push, the Arabs suddenly received reinforcements, and the Persians attempted a quick win with a charge of their 33 war elephants, but one was wounded painfully and went beserk, charging and panicking the other elephants, who ended up breaking the Persian line, and this time the Arabs pressed home and slew infidels all night long, killing Rustam and winning one for Big Alpha.

Meanwhile in 637 more Muslims under Caliph Omar and Gen. Khalid conquered Jesus' old digs of Jerusalem, which they call Elya Al-Quds, whose patriarch Sophronius preferred to accept the Umari Treaty than fight, in which the Holy Sepulchre and the True Cross were protected, and all Christian churches and relics left in Christian hands in return for paying the jizya tribute; Jews were forbidden to ride horses, build new synagogues, hold judicial or civil posts or build new synagogues. The city required Caliph Omar to come and receive his new possession in person, which he did in 638. The Muslims also captured the Nestorian stronghold of Seleucia-Ctesiphon in 637.

In 638 as promised, Caliph Omar came from Medina to Jerusalem (600 mi.) on an ass like Jesus, er, a camel, Arab style, carrying a bag of barley, a bag of dates, a water skin, and a wooden platter. He brought only one attendant, and when his own emirs greeted him in fine silks he threw a tantrum, as well as handfuls of dirt at them, finally meeting with Patriarch Sophronius, with whom he toured the Holy Places, making jokes about his followers being too expensive, and refusing an invitation to pray at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, saying he doesn't want to endanger its status as a Christian temple. Since Christian mucky-mucks had claimed that the Bible predicted that a humble but just and powerful man will come to Jerusalem riding on an ass and will actually prove to be a protector an ally to the Christians of Jerusalem, Sophronius (b. 580) died happy on Mar. 11.

Meanwhile in 638 Persian Shah Yazdgird III appealed to the Chinese for help against the Mad Muslims, but went unanswered as the Muslims occupied and plundered the Sassanian imperial capital of Ctesiphon and conquered Iraq as far N as Mosul, making Iraq safe for Saddam Hussein. Once-boss Ctesiphon then began to decay before the prosperity of the nearby Arab capital Baghdad, after which the Persians yielded the Euphrates region, including Antioch and Beroea, the latter being renamed Haleb (Alep). One good thing for Russians, Omar sanctioned chess for Muslims, and the conquest of Persia caused the game to change from chatrang to shatranj.

In 639 the Arabs under Gen. Amr ibn al-As (al-Aas) (583-664) overran Mesopotamia and invaded Egypt, while yet more Arabs attacked Armenia, and conquered it by 653, there goes Noah's Ark.

Meanwhile Caliph Omar launched the practice of dating time with the Hejira (Hegira) (622 C.E.), which became 1 A.H. (anno hegirae), fulfilling Christian fears that the Antichrist would start time over with year 1 and force everyone to worship the image of the Beast, cover the runway with whipped cream.

The Muslim string of hits never ends. In 640 the romping Saracens conquered Caesarea after a 7-mo. seige after a Jew named Joseph led them in through a tunnel under the city, attaboy Mel. Meanwhile more Arabs under gen. Amr ibn al-As sieged and took the fortress of Babylon-in-Egypt on the E bank of the Nile in Egypt, and moved toward Heliopolis, destroying the Byzantine army at the Battle of Heliopolis on Nov. 4, 641, then sieged the Egyptian capital of Alexandria, seat of the Byzantine govt., and captured it with the support of Christian Monophysite Copts, who had been treated like merde by the Orthodox Byzantines and maybe hated them worse than the Jews, giving Arab Muslims control of Egypt, which they ruled from their new capital of Fustat (later Cairo) N of Babylon-in-Egypt. On Nov. 8, 641 the Treaty of Alexandria, which sealed the Arab conquest of Egypt expressly stipulated that the city's 40K Jews were to be allowed to remain, after which the last Byzantine troops evacuated the city on Sept. 17, 642. Too bad, the Arabs burned the 300K papyrus scrolls of the Library of Alexandria to heat the public baths, the supply running out in one year, ending the great School of Alexandria that brought us all that math and science, so despite what the Christians did to pagan Alexandrian librarian Hypatia (370-415) in 415, it was the Muslims who finally destroyed the accumulated knowledge of the ancients, how 'bout them apples, Adam?

The Muslim conquest of Egypt caused Adulis (key to the trade route to India) to be closed to old Arabian enemy Abyssinia (Ethiopia), which was cut off from the rest of Christendom for the next eight cents. Can these Jews, er, Muslims do no wrong? Stay tuned to the next episode of Don't Get Mad starring Moses Geteven.

On Feb. 11, 641 Emperor Heraclius I (b. 575) died after losing Syria, Palestine, Mesopotamia and Egypt to the Muslims, and his sons Constantine III (Heraclius Novus Constantinus) (b. 612) and his younger half-brother (son of Martina) Heraclonas succeeded him, but Constantine III died on May 25 of TB (murdered?), and in Sept. after Martina was suspected of poisoning him, Heraclius' 11-y.-o. grandson Constans (Constantius) II Pogonatus (Pogonatos) (the Bearded) (630-68) was made co-emperor under pressure, but soon the Senate deposed Heraclonas, slit his nose to make him unworthy of being emperor (a saving face thing in reverse), and exiled him, along with Martina and her other sons, and Constans II became sole Byzantine emperor, becoming the one with the longest beard, making him the Abe Lincoln of the Bee-Beards, and he tried to be worthy of it by organizing against the Muslim Arab threat, redoing the provincial administration by establishing themes (themata) and strategoi (military governors) with wide authority over civil officials to mobilize against invading raghead killer zombies, his new organization working well enough to stay in place for centuries, Orajel says to my toothache pain, you're done.

Then the Christians got a lucky break. On Nov. 7, 644 Caliph Omar (b. 581) was stabbed to death in a mosque in Medina by a Persian slave with a personal (not poltical) grudge against him (didn't use enough olive oil?) right after appointing a committee to determine his successor (sure it wasn't political?). He was succeeded by Othman (Uthman) (Osman) ibn Affan (574-656) as caliph #3 (until 656), who went on to attempt to centralize the administration of the new Muslim territories from Medina, continued the conquest of the Iranian plateau, and ordered the creation of a definitive official ed. of the Quran, the first digitally remastered DVD set of the Osmonds.

Meanwhile in 646 a Byzantine fleet recaptured Alexandia from the Muslims, but did nothing to replace the priceless scrolls of antiquity burned there, I guess I better quit harping on it, but that didn't stop the Muslims from beginning an invasion of N Africa in 647-8, and assembling a fleet and taking Cyprus in 648, they plague is waterborne now. In 649 they raided Carthage from Libya and killed Christian Exarch Gregory, then defeated a Byzantine fleet off the coast of Egypt. Meanwhile around 650 they completed their conquest of the Persian empire, pancreas, liver, kidneys, all liquified despite the CDC Stage 3 Alert, sure it moves fast, but I still think there's hope for us.

In 650 the Muslims raided Cappadocia, taking and plundering Kayseri (Caesarea), raping Christian women in churches, executing the leaders and taking the pop. into slavery, causing the Christians to return to their underground cities, consisting of 200 complexes, with some rooms big enough to hold 10K.

One bright spot if you're black. In 651 Arab armies attacked Nubia, and after a push a nonaggression treaty (bakt) was concluded, agreeing on Aswan as the southern limit of Arab expansion, giving Nubia five cents. of peace, switch to Nubian Liberty Mutual and save 25% on your policy.

More good news for future Osama bin Ladens. In 652 the Arabs captured Khurasan and introduced Islam to guess-what Afghanistan, conquering Kabul in 664-70, causing Alexander the Great to roll over in his grave in Alexandria, as if they didn't run that too.

In 654 the Arabs conquered and plundered the Mediterranean island of Rhodes, setting it up as a new naval base and launching point, selling the remains of the Colossus of Rhodes (-226 B.C.E.) to a Jew from Edessa (Homs), Syria, who allegedly transported the bronze on 900 camels, although this is probably moose hockey invented by Christians to fulfill the prophesy of the destruction of the great statue in Nebuchadnezzar's dream in Daniel 2:31-35, more Mel Gibson jokes here.

Just when you thought this couldn't get any worse, in 655 the Byzantines, personally led by Emperor Constans II took on the Arab Egyptian fleet in the naval Battle of the Masts off the coast of Finike in Lycia, and were so roundly whipped that Constans sought refuge in Syracuse. Muslim naval superiority was established in the Mediterranean, which became a Muslim lake until 1571, causing West Europe to become isolated and revert to a purely agricultural civilization with minimal trade and communications, causing Feudalism (OHG fehu ot = "cattle possession") to be developed and go into full bloom in the 9th through 15th cents. (the term itself wasn't used until the 17th cent.), shades of Odysseus.

Just when they were getting successful, shit really did happen in Islam, and it started to go kablooey and turn against itself, which is no surprise since it's a Satanic murder cult based on the clean-burning mind fuel of hate, the ultimate drug of Satan. In 656, ten years before they were supposed to bring Armageddon to the Christians, the first fitna (Arabic for all-out schism in the Muslim world) saw Islam split into the Shits and Shinolas, er, Shiites and Sunnis, originally over the succession to the papacy, er, caliphate, making them hate each other more than the Christians, slowing down their takeover of the world as they fought each other instead, and holding back Armageddon for at least another Millennium, take the Brain Bus 10-question pre-test. On July 17, 656 after the Mushaf of Othman, the official text of the Quran (which was previously preserved on scraps of wood and camel bones, by the way, and shoo them flies away before reading them, please) was established on the orders of 80-y.-o. Caliph Othman (b. 574), he was stoned in the streets of Medina by a mob of rebel Muslim forces from Egypt (who were pissed off by low pay and prestige despite being early converts, and by Othman's appointment of members of his own Umayya clan to top administrative posts), driven to his house, and assassinated while reading it, causing the Arab world to go into turmoil for five years, giving the Byzantines a rest. At first Muhammad's cousin and son-in-law (son of his adopted father Abu Talib, and husband of his daughter Fatima), and adopted son (closest male relative) Ali ibn Abi Talib (599-661) (father of Muhammad's grandsons Hasan and Husayn) was elected caliph #4 (until 661), cmdr. of the faithful, and last of the Four Righteous Caliphs, with capital in Kufa, Iraq, stressing the equality of all Muslims and the role of the caliph as imam (spiritual leader), and disapproving of the degenerate game of chess for Muslims. He was supposedly Muhammad's choice all along, and the preceding caliphs supposedly perverted the True Faith, yadda yadda yadda, according to the Shiites. Muawiya (b. 602), the Mecca-born former secy. of Prophet Muhammad and gen. of Abu-Bakr vied unsuccessfully for the caliphate then settled for becoming gov. of Egypt and Syria until 661.

Too bad, when Ali failed to punish Othman's murderers, another split happened, the anti-Ali party being called the Joe Foreman, er, Kharijites (Kharijis), while the pro-Ali party split into the Shiites (Shi'ites) (Arab. "Shi'ah" = "followers [of Ali]"), who reject the first three caliphs, don't accept the Sunna (non-Quranic sayings and doings of Muhammad, taken as gospel) as authoritative, and claim Ali as the first true imam ("leader", "guide"), and the some-sunni-day Sunnis, who accept all four, and love the Sunna as well as the Quran (sounds like they beat the Catholics and Protestants?), and on Dec. 4, 656 the First Muslim Civil War (Fitna) (ends 661) began with the Battle of the Camel outside Basra, Iraq, where the forces of Fourth and Final Rightly Guided Caliph Ali defeated the triad of Muhammad's widow A'isha (Ayesha) (who led a camel charge), and his former male companions al-Zubayr and Talha (after they split with him for failing to punish Othman's murderers), supported by the Quraysh of Medina (who feel threatened by Ali's embracing of the Ansar or Medinan converts). Al-Zubayr and Talha were killed, and A'isha was captured, and retired from politics.

But even more split happened in Muslimland. The Shiites later split between those who believe that caliphs must be descended through Ali's wife (Muhammad's daughter) Fatima, and those who accept any descendant, and then further split among those who believe that Ali is an incarnation of God, and even further among those who believe that he will be reincarnated as the Mahdi, ("divinely-guided one"), the Muslim Messiah who will stay on Earth for 7-19 years before the Second Coming of Issa (Jesus), who will kill the blind-in-the-right-eye Dajjal (al-Masaih ad-Dajjal = "false Messiah") and defeat his army of the deceived on the Yawm al-Qiyamah (Day of the Resurrection) (Surah 75) and establish the Muslim Millennium, or that he will be the mysterious son of the 11th imam, Muhammad al-Mahdi (869-?), who disappeared after his daddy died in 874. You got it, to Muslims the coming Messiah will be one of them, who will work with returned non-divine Jesus to kill the Antichrist, while to Christians the returned divine Jesus will work with them or for them to kill the Devil-controlled Antichrist, who just might be Muslim himself, and works with Muslims against Christians while portraying Jesus as the false Messiah to confuse them, what a way for the Age of Religion to go. To Sunnis, the Mahdi has yet to emerge in history, while to a Shiite he's already been here and will be baaack after reappearing from the Jamkaran Well at the Jamkaran Mosque of Qum, where tens of thousands now show up every Tues. evening to pray and drop him a note. The 2000 Noreaga and Achernar flick The Arrivals attempts to prove that the Dajjal is the leader of the Illuminati and Zionists because the Illuminati symbol is the all-seeing eye, which makes him 1-eyed like Sauron the Lidless Eye in J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings", this is the result of 1400 years of research into a dark cave.

Over the next several centuries the two groups split Muslimland, with the Sunnis (90%) encircling the Shiites centered in Iran and Iraq between the Persian Gulf and Caspian Sea. They also diverged in their practices, and here's a summary if you can keep from upchucking: Sunnis pray with their arms folded below the rib cage, Shiites with their arms straight down at the sides; Sunni mosques tend to have domes and minarets and prohibit all images, Shiite mosques tend to have portraits of Ali and/or Hussein; Sunni clerics usually wear white headgear, Shiite clerics are more elaborately attired and also have black or green headgear; Sunni homes like to display quotes from the Quran, and fly white flags after returning from Mecca; Shiite homes like to display images of Ali and fly colorful flags from their roofs during every important religious occasion; in modern times Shiites hang Aleks (strips of green cloth) from their rearview mirrors; Shiites like to wear a Turbah (disc made of clay, stone or wood from the battlefield in Karbala where Hussein was slain) under their forehead during prayers to prevent it from touching an artificial material, but Sunnis consider it idol worship and confiscate them when they go to Mecca; Sunnis like to name themselves after Abu Bakr, Omar and Uthman, while Shiites like to name themselves after Ali, Hussein and Fatima Zahra; Sunni tribal names include Bakri, Dulaimi, and Samarrai; Shiite tribal names include Moussawi, Rubaie and Sa'aedi; the Jaburi, Khafaji and Shammari tribes have members of both sects.

In modern times the Shiite pop. is centered in Iran, with a fork jutting into the Basra area of Iraq, while the Sunnis have them totally surrounded and outnumbered, but are plagued by a number of sellouts to Satanic Western secularism (and probably a number of Zionist moles, chuckle).

On July 26-29, 657 Caliph Ali met with wild card Muawiya, who was seeking to avenge the murder of his Umayyad relative Othman at the Battle of Siffin on the upper Euphrates River. After the battle began, Muawiya's Syrian troops demanded arbitration, brandishing pages of the Quran, causing the battle to be deferred until a committee could meet, why do you stop, you know the rules, because we do?

Screw committees, this is Monomaniac Mind Control Islam. In July, 658 the Battle of Nahrawan saw Caliph Ali decimate the small group of Khariji secessionists who believed that Allah, not a committee should arbitrate a caliphate dispute, and that therefore Ali and his followers are not true Muslims, after which they continued on as the smallest division of Islam, practicing extreme equality, without regard to blood descent, and established enclaves along the Persian Gulf, Oman and North Africa.

In 659 Constans II concluded a truce with Arab cmdr. of Syria Muawiya, who told the caliphate committee what's what, openly asserting his claim to the caliphate from distant Damascus.

There are only two episodes of Breaking Bad left? Don't count on it. On Jan. 27, 661 caliph Ali ibn Abu Talib (b. 599), husband of Prophet Muhammad's daughter Fatima Zahra was assassinated (poisoned), and his eldest son Hasan ("handsome") (625-69), brother of Husayn (Hussein) ("handsomer") (626-80) was encouraged to vie for the caliphate, but after noting that Muawiya has the biggest Muslim army, he declined, and Husayn waited in the wings until 669, while Muawiya became caliph #5 Muawiya (Muawiyah) (Mu'awia) (Mu'awiya) (Moawiya) ("proclaiming the unity of God") ibn Abi Sufyan (602-680), founding the Umayyad (Omayyad) Dynasty, based in Damascus (ends 750, although the Umayyad style of architecture survives in Spain until 1000). After he reneged on his treaty with Ali that promises not to name his son as successor, the Shiites started calling him a usurper and mulk (king) (an un-Islamic departure from precedent), and reviled him. Nonplussed, he beautified Damascus to rival Constantinople, while allowing the provinces to be administered by Byzantine and Sassanid bureaucrats in pre-Islamic government divisions (diwans), who conducted official business in infidel Greek and Pahlavi.

Don't count the Christians out yet, and keep your boots shined. In 663 Emperor Constans II transferred his court from Constantinople to Italy in a chess move of blocking Arab conquest of Italy and Sicily, with dreams of restoring Rome to its old imperial glory dancing in his head, starting by stripping it of all remaining valuables, becoming the last visit by a Byzantine emperor, please, folks, the President's ETA from the Middle East Summit is at 0:600, I want an army of experts ready to sign hundreds of thousands of affadavits.

The Big Year 666 approached, and yet the Muslims seemed to be slowing down, it was a counterclimax, the only apocalyptic thing of note being the Great Plague in Britain and Ireland from 664-8. In 666 the the Muslims led by Ibn Hudayj raided Sicily, who cares, you can have it, fuggedaboutit, and in 667 they first crossed the Oxus River into C Asia, you can have that too, just leave the vital parts of the old Jesus-loving Roman empire alone. Meanwhile the Arab onslaught on Christendom was so out of the blue and ill-understood that the Christian view of Muhammad was a total blank, with most not even knowing that the invaders had a new prophet or what his name was, believing only that the attacks were by pagans and were a punishment of God for their own sins, I'm still trying to picture how Christians who can't speak or read Arabic are supposed to decide to convert or know the options before losing their heads, Abdul, don't keep the customer waiting, whap. Only one anonymous Byzantine document written in Palestine between 634-40 called Doctrina Iacobi Nuper Baptizati (Latin for "The Teaching of the Recently-Baptized Jacob") contained the soundbyte about Muhammad, who is not mentioned by name: "He is deceiving. For do prophets come with sword and chariot?... You will discover nothing true from the said prophet except human bloodshed." It was not until Arab Christian monk-priest St. John of Damascus (676-754) began writing on Islam that Christendom finally got clued in, with the new term "false prophet" coined and used ever since, and later biographies tried to date his death in 666 to cinch their view that he was the feared Antichrist, while others changed his name to Mahmound, meaning Devil Incarnate, it was a war of disinformation on both sides.

On Mar. 26, 668 after the coast was clear, and being recommended by Abbot Hadrian of St. Peter's in Canterbury, England for his personal experience with the bearded turbaned Antichrists, bearded bald-headed Greek Orthodox monk Theodore of Tarsus (601-90), who fled Tarsus to Constantinople in 637 when the Muslims took it, and was living in Rome at the Eastern Orthodox monastery of St. Anastasias, and had by now mastered Latin as well as Greek lit., introducing the litany of the saints to the West, can you afford not to be in good hands with Allsaint, was consecrated as archbishop #8 of Canterbury by the vital 666-riding Pope (657-72) Pope St. Vitalian (Vitalianus) (-672), and headed on down, no turban in sight, arriving on May 27, 669, and hitting it off by spreading delectable scare stories about them terrible Arab Antichrists, five heads and ten eyes, that was just the donkey.

Meanwhile on Sept. 15, 668 after he proved too expensive to maintain in his accustomed style, Byzantine Emperor Constans II was murdered during a mutiny in Syracuse, Sicily while bathing by a cubicularius, and the Armenian patrician Mezezius (-669) was proclaimed emperor by the rebels. Too bad, the troops and local pop. wouldn't buy it, and he lasted only a few mo., while Constans II's son Constantine IV claimed the throne. As if the Busy Bees didn't have enough problems, Caliph Muawiya I sent an army under his son Yazid I against them, and it reached as far as Chalcedon, taking Amorion. Talk about a weird historical feeling, to be emperor of 666 Ghost Rome and be called Zeus from Mount Ararat.

In 669 Constans II Pogonatus' son Constantine IV (652-685) finally went with a force to Sicily to kill Mezezius and put down the revolt, or some troops from Italy and Africa did it for him and sent him Mezezius' head, my copy of the Byzantine Mirror is smudged, after which Constantine IV became sole Byzantine emperor (until 685), and returned the court to Constantinople, where he was forced by his troops to accept his brothers Heraclius and Tiberius as co-emperors for an insurance policy (until 680). Meanwhile after the Byzantines recovered Amorion, the Muslims attacked Carthage and Sicily. They can't be reasoned with, they can't be bargained with, and they never ever, ever, give up, they're the original Terminators.

In 669 Muhammad's grandson Hasan (b. 625) died in retirement in Medina, and his younger brother so damn insane, er, Husayn (Hussein) (626-80) finally got his turn to revolt, claiming the title of caliph (2nd/3rd imam of the Shi'ites), alleging corruption of Muawiya, and leading a revolt in Iraq based in Caliph Ali's old capital of Kufa (ends 680).

In 670 the Muslims captured Cyzicus in Mysia on the W coast of Asia Minor, allowing them to set up a naval base to launch attacks against the infidel Byzantines, while also setting up a naval base in Kairouan (Qayrawan) in Tunisia in N Africa (northernmost bulge of the continent), making Islam a major naval power, able to launch raids on Europe and W across N Africa.

In 671 Ziyad ibn Abihi, Umayyad gov. of Kufa sent 50K troops to Merv in Persia in a plan to resettle Arabs in the area, causing the male soldiers to begin marrying indigenous Zoroastrian Persian women, which ended up backfiring in the 8th cent. when their descendants sparked the Abbasid rev. that overthrew the Umayyads in 750.

An all-new epsiode of Mad Men is about to begin. In 672 the Muslim troops of Caliph Muawiya I captured Smyrna and other coastal cities in Asian Minor, along with the island of Rhodes, then, under Gen. Abd Errahman, son of Khaled (who later died and was replaced by Gen. Sophian and his son Yezid) they sieged rich Constantinople, believing that the first army to siege the city of the Caesars will have their sins forgiven, or at least plenty of consolation prizes, and in Apr. 673 they began a land-sea attack on Constantinople, giving up in Sept. but blockading the city and beginning an annual attack for the next five years, until 678. Meanwhile in 673 brother Arabs began yearly raids until 704 across the Oxus River in an attempt to capture Bukhara and Soghdiana, and you think the U.S.-Mexico border is a problem.

But the West had secret veapons. In Apr. 674 the Muslims passed unimpeded through the Hellespont and landed troops near Hebdomon Palace 7 mi. from the big city, but were repulsed, with Greek Fire (a flame-thrower that puts people and ships on fire, invented in 673 by Syrian engineer refugee Callinicus) being used against them by the busy buzzing Byzantines for the first time, causing the soldiers of Blallah to back off and plunder the coasts of the Propontis until Sept., then retreat to the isle of Cyzicus for the winter. Being stupid zombies, they repeated this cycle until 678, giving up with the loss of 30K troops, leaving behind the grave of martyr Abu Ayub (whom the Christians confused with Job?), which was miraculously relocated via a holy vision after the fall of the city in 1453, becoming the site of the 4-star Mosque of Abu Ayub - see Edward Gibbon, Ch. 52.

In 678 the Byzantines used Greek Fire to destroy the Arab fleet at the naval Battle of Syllaeum in Pamphylia, and defeated them on land in Lycia, keep your head down, there's a lot of gunfire.

On May 6, 680 Caliph Muawiya I (b. 602) died after planning to capture Constantinople the long way around by sending a western invasion force to Spain under Musa ibn Nusayr (640-716) (son of a Jewish convert to Islam, who had his own motives?), which is cancelled. He was succeeded as Umayyad caliph in Damascus by his son Yazid I (642-83), causing the Muslim siege of Constantinople to end, and turning the caliphate into a oh-hell-no hereditary dynasty. On Oct. 2, 680 after trying to reach his main base of Kufa and being intercepted by a 1K-man vanguard of Yazid I's army, rival caliph Husayn bin Ali (b. 626) was done in at the town of Karbala (Kerbala) in Iraq 60 mi. SW of Baghdad near the Euphrates River, and on Oct. 3 a 3K-man army of Yazid I led by clergyman (not military man) Umar (Omar) ibn Sa'ad (gov. of Ray) arrived, beefing up to 20K by Oct. 6 and 30K by Oct. 10, cutting off the water supply to the town on Oct. 7, causing Husayn's half-brother Abbas ("lion") ibn Ali (b. 647) (eldest son of Ali ibn Abi Talib and 2nd wife Fatima bint Hizam al-Kilabiyya), known as the greatest warrior in Arabia to bravely sally out alone to get water for the women and children, and get killed after losing both arms and carrying the water bag in his teeth. On Oct. 10 (Muharram 10) Husayn and his 72 loyal companions (close relatives of Prophet Muhammad), including his other half-brother Usman (Uthman) ibn Ali sallied out and took them all on at the Battle of Karbala (Kerbala), and were all massacred after putting up a heroic fight, after which Husayn's head was placed on a lance and sent as a gift to Yazid I, beginning the Second Muslim Civil War (Fitna) (ends 692). The bodies of Husayn and Abbas were buried by the local Bani Asad tribe at the Masshad Al-Husayn Tomb, which became a Shiite religious pilgrimage site. The Sunni-Shiite split was hardened forever as the Shiites began commemorating Husayn's martyrdom in the yearly ritual of Ashoura (Ashura) (Aashurah) ("tenth"), held on the 10th day of the Islamic month of Muharram, where the faithful march in processions beating their chests, drawing their own blood (cutting themselves) and mourning their failure to help Husayn battle Yazid, the loss consigning Shiites to minority status in the Islamic world. Some Shiites don't draw blood because harming one's own body is un-Islamic, body not mind.

The Muslim menace temporarily in check, the Christians went back to their superfine distinctions about the Godhead with the Sixth Ecumenical Synod (Third Council of Constantinople) in Constantinople on Nov. 7 680, which decided the pressing issue of the popular new Syrian-Armenian doctrine of Monothelitism (a new variant of Monophysitism that claims that Christ doesn't have one nature, divine, and two wills, divine and human, but one will, divine, and two natures, divine and human), which was rejected as heretical on Sept. 16, 681 after 18 meetings in favor of the 2N2W Orthodox doctrine after Syrian-born deacon St. Andreas (669-740) gave great speeches winning them over. Nobody wanted to discover Newton's Law of Force or the Periodic Table, of course, their souls came first and God told them he'd give them a Ph.D. exam in theology before he'd let them enter the gates of Heaven, I guess I missed that part of the Bible. Too bad, this decision caused Monophysite-friendly Syria and Egypt and its patriarchs of Antioch, Alexandria and Jerusalem to bug out of the Byzantine church forever, and it started to lose its dominance over the West, with Pope (678-81) St. Agatho (577-681), becoming the first Roman pope to interpret Luke 22:31 in support of papal claims to the primacy of the succession of the alleged first bishop St. Peter (Jesus' disciple way back when, who they claimed was the first Christian bishop of Rome, even though he may actually have never set foot there, who cares it's about power now and in the future), putting all Italian, er, Roman archbishops forever ahead of any Greek, er, archbishops of Constantinople no matter what they do about them Muslims.

I might have shocked you by blaming Islam on the Jews, but there it is. The Arab world of Kutam was filled with illiterate pagan bedouins, and it was them Jews that made him what he was, teaching him about monotheism and the Bible, opening up a whole new fairy tale world to his mind, and manufacturing his holy literature out of some secret Jewish literature factory, unless you want to accept the official Muslim coverstory. It's easy to understand that they needed him as a front to survive in a world that was shrinking daily, and were already dealing with him all the time via their caravans, who knows all the sordid details. As proof that they had no time to lose, on Jan. 9, 681 the Twelfth Council of Toledo, convened by Spanish king Ervig and run by fanatically anti-Semitic Bishop Julian of Toledo (642-90) (himself probably of Jewish descent, making him more anti-Semitic to avoid suspicion?) issued 28 laws condemning the Jews, forbidding them from observing the Sabbath et al., showing how fair they were by changing the death sentence for Jewish converts to Christianity relapsing to 100 lashes plus lifetime persecution, while enacting many devilish details such as mutilation of a father and de-nosing of a mother for circumcizing their son, although new Jewish converts to Christianity were allowed to skip pork, after which all local Jews were forced to hear the decrees read in the Church of the Holy Virgin, hurry up 711.

In 683 Muslim Umayyad forces reached Tangier and the Atlantic Ocean. Sidi Okba (Uqba) ibn Nafi, Arab conqueror of North Africa was killed 10 mi. from the Sahara oasis town of Biskra, Algeria, his tomb containining the earliest known Arabic inscription in North Africa. The same year, after Abdullah ibn Zubayr (624-92) (son of Caliph Abu Bakr's daughter Asma, and nephew of Muhammad's wife Aisha) and Abdullah ibn Umar (614-93) (son of Caliph Omar) began a revolt in the Hejaz, winning the Battle of al-Harrah NE of Media, then capturing Medina and sieging Mecca (damaging the Kaaba), Yazid I (b. 645) died suddenly, and his son Muawiyah (Moawiyah) (Mu'awiya) II (661-84) became the 3rd Muslim Umayyad caliph (until 684), but al-Zubayr's son Abdallah ibn al-Zubayr (624-92) (whose father Zubayr ibn al-Awwam was the nephew of Muhammad's wife Aisha, and whose mother Asma bint Abu Bakr wass the daughter of Caliph Abu Bakr) rised against him, demanding that the caliph be selected from the Quraysh tribe of the Umayyad clan, in other words, himself, and began the Second Muslim (Islamic) Civil War (Fitna) in Arabia and Iraqi, which ended in 692. Meanwhile the Qays tribal confederation in N Syria and Iraq backed al-Zubayr, while the rival confederation of Kalb in S Syria and Palestine backed the Umayyads, causing a separate feud, and in July, 684 the Battle of Marj Rahit (Marj-al-Rahit) saw the Kalbs defeat the Qaysis, but not really ending the feud, which continued to fester, eating at the Ummayad base.

In 684 Muawiyah II died, and Abd al-Malik (Abdal Melik) (Abdel Malik) ibn Marwan (646-705) became the 5th Muslim Umayyad caliph, making Arabic the official admin. language in 696, and instituting the barid (1 barid = 4 farsakh = 12 mi.) pony express-style postal and spy system. Al-Malik also designed a unique standard Ummayad coinage independent of the Byzantines and Sassanids, consisting of gold dinars and silver dirhams, all devoid of pictures, and containing Arabic inscriptions, after which cartoons of Muhammad were definitely out. Meanwhile al-Mukhtar began the Mawali Mahdi Uprising on behalf of Muhammad ibn al-Hanafiyya, a son of Caliph Ali by a concubine, which gained the support of the mawali, non-Arab converts to Islam who were treated like manure and forced to pay the jizya. In 686 Mukhtar Thaqafi proclaimed al-Hanafiyya as the first Mahdi ("divinely guided one"), the messiah who comes at the End of Days and institutes a reign of justice, obviously copied from Christ. The uprising was crushed by 687. A major conference of the Arab tribes elected Marwan I ibn al-Hakam (623-85) ruler of the Marwanid branch of the Umayyad clan, representing a break, since the first three Umayyad rulers were from the Sufyanid branch.

So, the holy Muslim scoresheet shows Quraysh (whose nuts start it all), who fathers Qusayy, who fathers Abd Manaf, who fathers Abd Shams and Hashim; Abd Shams fathers Umayya ibn Abd Shams, founder of the Umayyad dynasty; Hashim fathers Abbas (Abd al-Muttalib) (566-652), who fathers al-Abbas (ancestor of Abu al-Abbas, founder of the Abbasid dynasty), Abdallah, and Abu Talib; Abdallah fathers Muhammad the Prophet, who fathers Fatima Zahra, who marries Ali, son of Abu Talib; Ali and Fatima father Hasan and Husayn, founders of the Shiite imams and the Fatimid caliphs, what's new from the most controversial reality show in history, you'll find out in seconds.

In 691 the Muslims really went too far, and finished the octagonal Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem under Umayyad Caliph Abd El Malik ibn Mirwan (Abdal Malik), positioned on top of the ancient Jewish Temple of Jehovah to show who's cock of the rock, planting the seeds of a future Armageddon no matter what else they conquer, check back with me later when Christ returns and smashes it, if he does, no earthly power seems to be able to, welcome to the final of dancing with the stars.

In 693 the Arabs took Carthage, and defeated Justinian II in Sebastopolis, Cilicia. But at least they haven't taken Spain yet, right? Give them another 20 years and let's see who makes the better deal. In 693 a revolt against Spanish Visigoth Christian king Egica, led by Bishop Sisebert of Toledo seized Toledo in the name of some bum named Duke Sunifred, who minted his own coins and intended to be crowned king, until Egica kicked their butts and convened the Sixteenth Council of Toledo, which defrocked Sisebert and prohibited him and his descendants from holding office. Archbishop Felix of Seville was translated to take his job in Toledo, and archbishop Faustinus of Braga was translated to Seville, while Egica had his boy son Wittiza (b. 684) crowned co-king just in case (until 702).

On Nov. 9, 694, la dee dah, Egica accused the pesky Jews of collaborating with the Moroccan Muslims (weren't they, Mel?), and ordered them enslaved and their property confiscated. Since Jews don't get mad they get even, the imminent takeover of Spain by Muslims was assured. Meanwhile in 696 Venice, the "bride of the sea" gained its independence from the weakened Byzantine empire, and Paoluccio Anafesto (-717) became its first doge (duke) (until 717), ultimately leading to the Italian Renaissance, ask me how when I'm more mellow.

In 697 Carthage fell to the Saracens, who destroyed it, despite Byzantine emperor Leontius sending a relief force, which arrived too late and instead raided the SE coast of Spain until it was driven off by Visigothic Count Theudimer (Theodemir) (-743), who ruled seven cities in SE Spain, including Orihuela, Valentila (Valencia?), Alicante, Mula, Bigastro, Eyya (Ojos), and Lorica.

In 698 a plague broke out in Constantinople, spreading west and reaching Spain by 701, forcing Egica and his son Wittiza out of their capital of Toledo, the ravishing tweed jacket with a silk scarf and cascade of pearls, Party City, nobody has more Halloween for less. Meanwhile in 698 Emperor Leontius send a fleet under John the Patrician to recapture Carthage from the Saracens, but after initial success they were defeated and retreated to Crete, and through fear of the emperor's anger they proclaimed German army officer Apsimarus as the new emperor, then sieged Constantinople, got lucky when imperial officers opened the gates, and defeated and captured Leontinus, then slit his nose to make him ineligible for recrowning. Apsimarus took the name Tiberius III Apsimar (d. 705) and appointed his brother Heraclius as strategos, who gave up on Africa but went after the Umayyads to the east, I was just outside, then came in, I feel like some kind of conquistador when I don't have my foot in my mouth.

So ended the 7th century, with Islam having come out of nowhere to take over a big chunk of the civilized world, destroying Zoroastrianism in Persia, contracting the Christian Byzantines, taking over the Holy Land, Egypt and North Africa, and preparing to take Spain soon. Meanwhile, having learned what humiliation is, and doing the Christian thing and blaming it on their own sins, sometime in the latter half of the 7th century Maundy Thursday (day before Good Friday), the day on which the pope, Catholic sovereigns, prelates, priests and nobles are supposed to wash the feet of 12 or more beggars to commemorate Christ's washing of his disciples' feet became an official Roman Catholic feast day to commemorate the Last Supper, pass the finger bowl, please, along with a joint and a goblet, my secret weapon, Listerine Agent Cool Blue.

Late in the year 702 mean king Egica (b. 610) died in his sleep, and his son (by Ervig's son Cixilo) Wittiza (Witiza) (Witiges) (686-710) (already anointed when he reached 14 on Nov. 15/24, 700, and made ruler over the Suevi based in Tuy, Gallicia) became king of Visigothic Spain (until 710), going on to start out good and reverse some of daddy's exile and confiscation of nobles, causing the people to love him, then go bad and "indulge in a plurality of wives and concubines, encouraging his subjects to do the same", while recalling from exile and surrounding himself with Jewish advisers, who (obviously in league with fellow Jews of Norith Africa, to make the coming invasion a cakewalk?) successfully counsel him to break down the defenses of cities, demolish castles and turn spears into harrows in order to stop potential traitors, causing the clergy to hate him.

In 707 the Muslims under North African viceroy Abd Al-Aziz ben Musa ibn Nusayr (Nusair) (640-716) conquered Tangiers and subdued the Moroccan Berbers, which were standing in their way before taking Spain.

In 709-15 the Al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem was built on the site of the Jewish Temple of Solomon 100m S of the Dome of the Rock, where Muhammad allegedly made his big Night Flight to Heaven on the back of the winged ass Barack O, er, Barak. Christians believe Christ preached a sermon there, and Jews believe that Abraham almost sacrificed his son Isaac there, so this is a nice place to start the Final War, I hope not.

In 710 after "tumultuously invading the kingdom with the encouragement of the senate" with an army from Italy, exiled Roderic (Ruderic) (Roderick) (Roderik) (Ruderigus) (-711) defeated and captured Wittiza "the Wicked", then blinded and imprisoned him in Cordoba, and was crowned the last king of Visigothic Spain by 711 after usurping the throne from Wittiza's two sons Evan and Siseburto (who escaped to Tangier). He then split the kingdom with (Wittiza's 3rd son?) Achila (Aquila) (Agila) (Akhila) II (-714), with the SW (Lusitania and W Carthaginiensis including Toledo and Egitania, AKA Idanha-a-Velha) going to Roderic and the NE (Tarraconensis and Narbonensis) to Achila II (nobody gets Galicia and Baetica?), giving the Muslims their big opening. Meanwhile Wittiza's family fled to Ceuta on the N shore of the Maghreb, allying with Jews and Arian Christians who hated the Roman Catholic bishops of the Visigoth monarchy, see our sensational success stories and find out how to become a Roman Catholic hater too.

We come to the big watershed year 711, as in 7/11 Stores, open 24/7 to offer convenient access to the soft underbelly of Christian Europe. On Apr. 29, 711 (Sat.) after Visigothic Count Ilyan (Julian) betrayed his post at Ceuta into the hands of the Muslims and flopped to their side to get even with Visigothic king Roderic for dishonoring (knocking up?) his daughter Lady Florinda, and sent four boats for them, a recon army of 1.7K Muslim Moors (mainly Berbers and slaves, plus a few Arabs) under lame Berber Muslim Umayyad Gen. Tariq (Tarik) ibn Ziyad (Zeyad) ibn Abdillah (-720) (AKA Tariq the One-Eyed) (of the Berber Nefzaoua tribe?) (a native of Hamdan, Persia?) (who was a slave of North African gov. Musa ibn Nusayr before being freed) (known for a prominent forehead and a black hairy mole on his left shoulder?) crossed the Strait of Gibraltar (Jabal al-Tariq) (Gabel al-Tariq) (mountain of Tariq) from Mauretania in the Muslim month of Shaban and Muslim year 92 (24th of Rejeb, June 19?), and invaded Spain (which they call al-Andalus), sending the boats back and forth several times until their entire army of 7K was over, then burning them so it was do or die for Big A. No surprise, Tariq obtained help from the Jewish community of Elvira (Ilbira) in a suburb of Granada, which was sick and tired of being sicked on and tarred, who came blame them, you're in the right place, only progressive Muslim dot com gives you the option of naming your price.

After Visigoth king Roderic spotted them and swore an oath to throw them back into the sea and began approaching, Tariq gave his Famous Do-or-Die Speech, featuring the immortal soundbyte "Remember that if you suffer a few moments in patience, you will afterward enjoy supreme delight", after which the pumped-up Allah Akbars charged the Spanish army, causing them to flee. They then marched to Cartagena and Cordoba before being driven back and regrouping and receiving reinforcements.

On July 19, 711 (Sun.) (two days before the end of Ramadan) King Roderic, who had holed up in his castle in Cordoba and sent men to gather an army of 100K blonde Goths (mostly serfs?) attacked the puny 10K-to-18K man Muslim army (including Arabs and Syrians, but mostly kinky-haired blacks?) at the Battle of the Guadalete (Rio Barbute) on the Jerez (Xeres) de la Frontera in SW Spain NE of Cadiz (later home of the fortified wine sherry), and was defeated after eight days after Wittiza's sons Evan and Siseburto made a deal and flopped over to the Muslim side in exchange for keeping their "royal portion" of 3K farms, and Tariq personally killed Roderic, who was mounted on a litter between two mules with a jewel-encrusted silk awning (either that or he drowned in the river, as his body was never found, just his white horse), after which his relatives Sisbert and Osbert fled, causing the confused Visigoth army to flee in all directions, most N to Ecija near Seville. Cadiz remained in Muslim hands until 1264. The Muslims then took Toledo, and executed the nobles of the city for assisting in the flight of Egica's son Oppa (Oppas), who had been declared king, and fled to Seville, where he became a bishop probably. Aafter the dead rich Goth princes were stripped of their bling, which was distributed among the 9K remaining Muslims, the news caused Muslims in North Africa to flock on over for the fun and games, after which they began to outnumber the quaking Goths. Meanwhile Achila succeeded as the positively last king of the Spanish Visigoths until 714, although he probably was already a rival co-king to Roderic, holding on in Zaragoza, Tarragona and Gerona, plus the province of Narbonne (Narbonensis), the last safe base on the far side of the Truth Booth (Pyrenees), which (too bad?) has a large Jewish pop.

The same year, 711, Arab Umayyad Muslims under Khorasan gov. Qutaiba ibn Muslim began the conquest of Transoxiania and the Sind, crossing the Oxus River, subduing Khwarezm and capturing Bukhara (140 mi. W of Samarkand), while 17-y.-o. Arab Syrian gen. Muhammad ibn Kasim al-Thaqafi (695-715) invaded Sind (in modern-day Pakistan) on the lower Indus River delta, setting up a kingdom that rules until 1026, and causing the Sindh province to be called Bab-e-Islam (Gateway to Islam).

It wasn't all bad I guess. The Muslims invading Spain brought rice, saffron and sugar cane cultivation with them, we both know how bad our sweet tooths are. As the Muslims took over Christian Spain, the Mozarabs, Iberian Christians who spoke Arabic and adopted Arab culture were born. Like Jews, Christians were "tolerated" (dhimmi), could keep their heads if they paid the heavy yearly jizya tax (usually accepted with a slap and spit in the face), and accepted a second-rate position in society, never being allowed to be in a position in control of Muslims, and constantly pressured to convert. Eventually they were not allowed to ring church bells or construct new churches, and were cut-off from the Christian world. As they were systematically legislated down to the level of slaves, some violated the don't-ask-don't-tell policy by publicly proclaiming their beliefs or even worse, blaspheming Big M in order to become Christian Martyrs in Muslim Spain, including Eulogius in 859, Pelagius in 925 (a boy ordered to submit to Islam and spread for the horny caliph?), and Argentea in 931. But I'm jumping ahead.

In 712 Gen. Tariq's master Musa bin Nusayr landed in Spain, and the Moors went on to conquer Cordoba, Malaga, Granada, and the Visigoth capital of Toledo, being greeted as liberators by the oppressed masses, especially the Jews, while executing many of the hated nobles; the Church of St. Acisclus successfully sheltered the remaining Christian refugees, who were allowed to live with the usual restrictions. They also mopped up Medina Sidonia, Seville, Merida and Saragossa, renaming the area Andalusia (Andaluz) (Arab. "land of the Vandals"). The southern tip of Portugal was called Al-Gharb (Algarve) (Arab. "the west"), which was not reconquered until 1251. They also conquered Ebora in central Portugal (until 1166).

By 718 all of Spain except Asturias in the NW was conquered, and became a Muslim state with Tariq as gov., who built a fortified castle along the NW slope of Gibraltar, which the Muslims held until 1309. Under the command of his master Musa ben Nusayr (a Berber recognized by Jews as of the tribe of Simeon) the Jews were freed, and a period of prosperity for them began in Spain, along with Christians, who were treated generously and protected from excesses by the new government at first, making it one happy haven in a dark Christian Europe, you can still eat all your favorite foods. Too bad, just as they were getting ready to cross the Pyrenees and take the rest of Europe, the jealous caliph summoned Musa and Tariq to Damascus, where Tariq died, proving that even if the whole invasion was a Jewish conspiracy to wrest control of Europe from the papacy, their control wasn't perfect, since the Muslim caliph messed it up for them.

Meanwhile in 712 the Arabs under Qutaiba ibn Moslim conquered Samarkand, and turned it into the cultural center of Islam, learning the art of making paper, beats pussy willows. Meanwhile in 711-2 the first Muslim mosque was built in still-multireligious Bukhara in Uzbekistan, which went on to become the 2nd holiest city in Islam after Mecca.

On Apr. 5, 713 after holding out for two years before being defeated, Visigothic count Theudimer (Theodemir) of SE Spain signed a treaty with Muslim emir Abd al-Aziz ibn Musa, submitting to Muslim rule ("the patronage of God"), with the right to keep worshiping at their Catholic churches, while having to pay a per capita tribute of one dinar in cash, four jugs of wheat, barley, grape juice and vinegar, two jugs of honey and oil, and half this for slaves. All enemies of the Muslim conquerors are to be handed over and not sheltered. The Muslims begin calling the region Tudmir. Meanwhile the Muslims began the conquest of the Ebro River Valley, and took Zaragoza (ancient Caesaraugusta), while more Arabs under Qutaiba ibn Muslim sieged Kashgar in W China NE of Tibet (until 715), and yet more Arabs under Muhammad ibn Kasim reached the port of Daybul on the Indus River.

In 714 the Moors captured the Spanish (earlier Roman) town of Arriaca (Caraca) in C Spain on the Henares River 35 mi. ENE of Madrid (until 1081), changing its name to Guadalajara (Arab. Wad-al-hajarah = "valley of the stones"). Meanwhile Visigoth king Achila II died in battle, and Ardo (Ardonus) (Ardabastus) (d. 720) became the definitely last Visigothic king of he-said-she-said Christian Spain (until 720), which had shrunk to the NE corner plus Narbonensis province on the far side of the Pyrenees, and soon, only Narbonensis. No surprise, Visigoth nobleman Count Cassius converted to Islam under the name Banu Qasi, and after swearing personal allegiance to caliph Al-Walid I in Damascus he was allowed to keep his county in the Upper Ebro River Valley (Logorno and Southern Navarra) as an autonomous hereditary principality due S of Pamplona and the Bay of Biscay.

In 715 after the Chinese emperor refused to help, Kashgar was sacked by the Arabs, becoming their first Chinese V. An alliance was formed between Tibet and the Arab world. Also that year, Al-Walid I died, and his younger brother Suleiman (Suleyman) ("peace") I bin Abd al-Malik (674-717) (son of Abd al-Malik) became Umayyad caliph (until 717). After getting confused as to whether the Hajj is supposed to be to Mecca's Kaaba or Jerusalem's Dome of the Rock, he went to Mecca first, didn't like it, then decided on Jerusalem, like his father, watch the rest of the tape.

In 716 the Muslims conquered Lisbon (built on seven hills like Rome) and Oporto in NW Portugal (until 997), giving them control of the entire Spanish peninsula, after which they crossed the Pyrenees and invaded Narbonensis, the last Gothic province.

On Mar. 25, 717 after a period of anarchy, Leo III the Isaurian (680-741) became the Byzantine emperor, founding the iconoclastic Isaurian (Syrian) Dynasty (ends 867), and regenerating the busy bee hive, and just in time too, because the 2nd Arabic seige of Constantinople began in Aug. Luckily, on Oct. 3, 717 Suleyman I (b. 674) died, and Omar (Umar) II (d. 720) became Umayyad caliph, ending military expansion and granting tax exemption to all believers in the Islamic faith, including the non-Arab mawali, although future rulers revoked it. Meanwhile he imposed humiliating restrictions on non-Muslims, causing mass conversions and homogenizing the Umayyad pop. into Muslim and Arabic-speaking. All this, and Prophet Muhammad hadn't been dead a hundred years yet.

It looked bad for Europe in 732 (centennial of Big M's death) as the madass Muslim illegal alien terrorists crossed the Pyrenees and tried to take sunny France, which would give them a royal road to Germany, Italy and the rest of Europe. Yes, if they had succeeded we'd all be speaking Arabic now, praying five times a day facing Mecca, and slicing clitori of young girls by the millions while still living in the Dark Ages with no Star Trek in sight. It was naked God vs. God, the hairy razor's edge of history. Guess what? There are heroes. Just when things looked darkest, a hero arose, Charles Martel the Hammer (688-741), who kicked the Muslims' butts bigtime at the Battle of Tours and Poitiers between Tours and Poitiers on Oct. 10, 732, throwing the Saracens back over the Pyrenees with enough punch that they never returned to the attack. Western Christian civilization tracing back a thousand years to Alexander the Great was saved, hopefully forever, check back with me after they reconstitute me from my DNA a thousand years from now. The battle lines now hardened for centuries, until the Christian side slowly pushed the Muslims back inch by inch, step by step to North Africa.

Did I mention the Muslim habit of splits? In 740 Medina-born Shiite imam Zayd ibn Ali (b. 695) (brother of Muhammad al-Baqir, 5th imam of the Twelvers) died after the unsuccessful Zaydi Revolt against the Umayyads in Kufa in which he claimed the caliphate as the grandson of Ali's son Husayn. His followers carried on as the Fivers (Zaydi Shiites), the 5th School of Sunni Islamic Law (fiqh), incl. the Hanafis, Hanbalis, Malikis, Shafi'is, sun-dried Muslim shit comes in five flavors. The Fivers are actually a semi-Sunni sect of Shiites who refuse to condemn the three caliphs preceding Ali but reserve the right to military support against unjust rule of any descendant of Ali and Fatima, setting up states in Tabaristan in N Persia in 864, followed by Yemen in 893, becoming 40%-45% of the pop. of Yemen (mainly in the mountainous north) in modern times, with another 1M in W Arabia.

Not that all Muslims are badasses. The worldiness of the Umayyad Caliphate caused the growth of a mystical ascetic movement in Islam called Sufism, started by Medina-born Persian Hasan al-Basri (642-737), who moved to Basra and wore wool (suf) to show rejection of luxurious Umayyad clothing, giving the movement its name. Sufis spend their whole lives trying to search for Allah inside themselves while trying to avoid thinking of jacking, er, poontang, the Big Dark Cave of M not being good enough for them. Maybe some find Allah in their sewers and sinks, like Pennywise the Ass Clown, go ass them.

In 744 Marwan II (688-750) became the last Umayyad caliph, once riding through godforsaken Harran in SE Turkey (ancient home of the Mesopotamian Moon god Sin, making it the original Sin City?) (known for its beehive adobe houses, which are used to this day) and ordering its pop. to convert, allegedly giving them the choice of Judaism or Christianity as well, although this might only be a propaganda ploy to fool suckas into believing that the tiger has changed his stripes, check back with me after I get out my Ouija Board. Maybe they knew that Islam started as a Moon god religion and felt more at home, plus it's not nice going through life having zilcho political rights and power and having to pay the jizz-on-ya tax.

Did I mention the year 750 enough times yet? The Christians in Frankland who were reeling from the pesky Saracens coming over the Pyreenes got a lucky break in guess what year, 750, when the Sunni Abbasids (Abbassids) of Khorasan (Khurasan) in NE Persia (Iran), who claimed descent from Muhammad's paternal uncle Abbas ibn Abd al-Muttalib, and whose Umayya clan was separate from Muhammad's Quraish clan (which they hated so bad that they even temporarily became Shiites to jockey for position against the Shinolas), and who gained critical mass by sending Persian (non-Arab) preacher Abu Muslim (728-55) out in advance to criticize Arab corruption and ethnocentrism and invite non-Arab Muslims like him to join, overthrew the Umayyads everywhere but in Al-Andalus (Spain), with Abu al-Abbas as-Saffah (the Blood-Shedder or Slaughterer) (721-754) (did I mention that Islam is the religion of war and oozing blood?) becoming caliph #1 (750-4), sweet like a lollipop, don't stop. In 762 Caliph #2 (754-75) Abu Jafar al-Mansur (712-75) moved the blood-soaked capital from Damascus to Baghdad (Arab. "gift of God") (Madinat al-Salam) 18 mi. N of the old Sassanid capital of Ctesiphon, designed on a circular plan, with canals dug to both the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, which attracted traders from as far away as China, India and N Europe, who used innovative Arabic numerals in their accounting records, the pop. reaching 300K within a century. Meanwhile the Umayyads in Spain were left to hold back the Iberian Christians, who slowly began to go on the offensive with but one goal, push them badass idolators back into da sea. The Abbasids went on to have 37 caliphs, absorbing much of the pomp and ceremony of the Persian monarchy into their courts and going on to cultivate the arts and sciences and give Islam a fairly good name compared to the other dynasties, with an empire no longer consciously devoted to promoting Arabs per se, only the faith of Muhammad, call now to request your free quote. The Abbasids came up with the Sunni concept of the Rightly Guided Caliphs to refer to the first four caliphs, from the soundbyte "Hold firmly to my example (sunnah) and that of the Rightly Guided Caliphs", whose quadruple reign was called the Rashidun Caliphate (632-61).

Charles Martel's son was 3.5-ft. tall midget Pepin (Pipin) III the Short (714-68), who in 759 drove the last Saracens out of France (Gaul), capturing Narbonne and integrating Aquitaine into the kingdom of the Franks. His son was 7-ft. (really 6'4"?) tall giant Charles the Big or Large, AKA Charlemagne (742-814), the ultimate product of white blonde Euro genetics, a dude whose physique would make Ahnuld look sick, and whose intellect and courage far surpassed anything seen since Caesar, man, what a hero, them Muslims hated to see him coming. His top twelve warriors (peers) were called the Paladins, not really, that was romantic fiction made up later that mixed up the old Roman Emperor and his Palatine Hill with King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table, but either way the basic psychic difference between Christian Westerners and everybody else in the core belief that a few heroes who are in the right can defeat vast hordes of dead-wrong zombies goes way way back, go see Mel Gibson's Braveheart for the 50th time and bring three hankies. Not that the ideal Western heroes aren't the coolest cats who ever lived, like James Bond 007. Churl is French for a freeman, and after Charles the Big, it seems that every French king wanted to be named either after him or Frankish kingdom founder Clovis I, who didn't have any Muslims to worry about, just heretic Arian Visigoths. Yes, I know, Charles the Big would dance his daddy Peppy the Short on his knee while swigging French wine and eating French squab, them Frenchies have a streak of genetic troubles with their pituitary glands, either too little or too much juice, witness any Andre the Giant match with Sky Low Low. Charlemagne kicked a lot of Saracen butt, he never ran out of Saracen butt to kick it seemed, but once after raiding the Saracens, kicking some butt, then trying to get back over the Pyrenees, his rear guard commander (chief Paladin) Roland (d. 778) (Fr. "renowned land") (his nephew) got his butt fatally kicked at the Battle of Roncesvalles (Roncevaux Pass) in the Pyrenees on Aug. 15, 778, as memorialized in the Song of (Chanson de) Roland, becoming his greatest regret in life. Big C also won a lot of battles against pesky holdout pagans, including the Saxons (in Saxony) and Frisians (in the Netherlands), founding both the French and German monarchies, and becoming the Father of Europe, getting crowned as the first Holy Roman Emperor on Xmas Day, 800 by slap-happy Pope (795-816) St. Leo III (-816), and setting a mark that every Christian king after him tried in vain to reich, er, reach, later becoming known as the First Reich.

What was going on back in Fortress Constantinople in the 700s? Were they separating church and state and pumping up their science and technology budget and developing jet airplanes to take on the Muslim hordes closing in on them? No, they were tearing themselves apart over the Iconoclasm Controversy. You might call it a propaganda V for the Muslims, who as Jewish Frankensteins were taught to give up all graven images a la the Ten Commandments, settling for at most calligraphic signs in their mosques and homes. When refugees from Muslim territories made it to Constantinople and saw all the icons of Christ hanging around, they started grumbling and launching a movement, and in 727 Leo III and his son, future emperor (741-75) Constantine V Copronymus (718-75) (Copronymus is Greek for "name of shit", the name being given to him because he started shitting while being baptized, the origin of the phrase "holy shit") issued an edict forbidding veneration of icons (sacred images), followed by another ordering their destruction ("iconoclasm" means image-breaking in Greek), ordering the icon of Christ over the Chalke Gate in front of the Great Palace of Constantinople removed and replaced with a cross, only to have iconophiles murder some of the workers, which only made him more determined to root them all out, stick 'em up, stop in the name of shit, drop that Christ porno or we'll shit, er, shoot. Not being content to spread his holy vandalism habit in the Byzantine world, Leo III attempted to crack down on Italy and make it obey him rather than the pope as secular prince, and started levying heavy taxes on the great landowners, which really got to Italy's biggest landowner, Pope (715-31) St. Gregory II (-731), who officially okayed icons, starting a dual-empire war as well as a civil war in the eastern empire, causing Gregory to convoke a synod in 730 that formally condemned iconoclasm as heretical and excommunicated all iconoclasts, including Leo. Too bad, the messengers carrying the papal letter were arrested in Sicily by Leo's men, so it never made it to Constantinople to cause trouble. In 730 Damascus-born Christian big brain theologian St. John of Damascus (John Damascene) (676-754), who wrote in defense of icons in 727 retired as a financial officer of the Muslim caliph of Damascus to the monastery of St. Sabas near Jerusalem, where he was ordained a priest and began writing theological tomes and preaching throughout Syria against iconoclasts, gaining the name Chrysorrhoas ("stream of gold") for his oratories. To make a long story short, the Second Council of Nicaea in 787, dominated by Byzantine empress (797-802) Irene the Athenian (752-803), the original Madonna Like a Virgin Material Girl (who called herself emperor not empress) officially backed the dildo, er, dear icons, temporarily reuniting the Eastern and Western churches. Too bad, her successor, emperor (802-11) Nicephorus I (Greek for "bringer of victory") (760-811) was an iconoclast, and ramped the war back up. Perhaps this all caused the creation of an eternally hostile anti-icon element in Constantinople that could be milked by Muslims for all it was worth, at least they weren't a solid block religiously any more. Even worse, the pesky polytheist polygamous pagan Bulgars (Bulgers) from Central Asia were chased by the Turkish Khazars into modern-day Bulgaria after they first tried China and were distracted from invading by placing naked women on top of the Great Wall of China, where they began squeezing the Byzantines, sieging Constantinople in 717-8, but at least helping them by killing Arabs so they could fight over the crumbs. Speaking of crumbs, Bulgarian khan (803-14) Krum the Terrible (-814) kicked Nicephorus' can at the Battle of Pliska (Varbitsa Pass) on July 26, 811, and killed the emperor and annihilated his army, after which Krum liked to drink his wine from a cup made from Victory Bringer's skull. This cancelled out all the damage the Bulgarians did to the Arabs, and left Constantinople more vulnerable than ever as they clung to their icons of Christ and prayed for him to finally return in vain.

We're now at the 200-year point after Prophet M's death, how many millions of zombies, slaves and corpses has Islam caused, and the big bad Christian Crusades are not two but three hundred years ahead. Spain and France not going so good, in 813 the Bad Neighbor Policy Saracens began a century-long attempt to invade and conquer popeland in Italy, starting with a surprise attack on Centumcellae (Civitavecchia), capturing Messina, Sicily in 843 and threatening Rome itself, I need a better pizza. In 846 they ransacked Brindisi on Italy's heel and conquered Taranto (until 880), and on Aug. 28 another group from Sicily sailed up the Tiber River into Rome, sacking the city and stripping its treasures, including St. Peter's Basilica, which they desecrated, until the Lombard army of Duke Guy (Guido) I of Spoleto (-860) arrived and chased them to Gaeta, where naval reinforcements from Naples, led by Duke Sergius I Naples arrived just in time, defeating the despicable illegal immigrant thieves in the Naval Battle of Licosa Point off Paestum. The Muslims regrouped and destroyed a Venetian fleet, but in Nov. a storm damaged their fleet, and their great invasion of the pope's home base fizzled, although they kept trying into the 900s, they're such a religion of love and peace not.

Meanwhile in 813 Al-Mamun (al-Ma'mun) ("trustworthy") (786-833) won the power struggle, murdered his brother Al-Amin ("honest"), and became Abbasid caliph, establishing the House of Wisdom (School of Astronomy) in Baghdad, launching the Islamic Golden Age of Learning by 850 (ends 1258) as his scholars began to scour the Earth for ancient Greek and Syriac manuscripts to bring back and translate into Arabic, including the works of Aristotle, Plato, Galen, and Hippocrates, and Sanskrit botanical and medicinal works. The laugh of it was that the horrible neverending wars waged by the Muslims caused them, Europe and everybody else they touched to waste their resources on military expenditures instead of investment in basic S&T.

We're into the 800s, let's call it Wild Turkey Time. First, the Turks, who didn't start out in Turkey but in Central Asia, including S Russia, N Caucasus, and the Crimea found themselves in a sandwich between the Byzantine Christians on the W and the Muslims on the East, and some stayed pagan, some went Muslim, but the tribe of the Khazars decided to become Jews, forever messing up the pure hooked, er, blood lines from Israel but giving the faith new life, and future Hollyweird some of its best directors. Funny, the Christians liked to talk about the Wandering Jew, and the meaning of the Turkic word Khazar is wandering, but these goys, er, guys hunkered down and created a powerful empire that ran S Russia, W Kazakhstan, E Ukraine, Azerbaijan, and parts of N Caucasus, Georgia and the Crimea. Too bad, the Russians of Kiev kicked their cans in 965-9 and made them vassals, and the Mongols of the 1200s caused them to disintegrate and disappear as a distinct group, back to the wandering mode.

Big Charlie the Main Man of France was made the first Holy Roman Emperor in 800, but he got too big for his britches and decided to convert the pesky Norse up in Norseland, which until the age of better geography they used to call Thule, as in if you try to pee it will freeze your tool. And he did it his way, via what he called the Sword and Cross method, meaning take the Cross or I'll give you the sword (forced conversion, an idea no doubt suggested by the Muslims, reversing hundreds of years of Christian tradition of voluntary conversion only, at least of the rulers), stirring up the hornet's nest and causing the Norse to turn into mean piratical Vikings (meaning people from the fjords who go on overseas expeditions) to get even, terrorizing France and all of Europe for two centuries in their cool long ships with dragon prows, long after Big C bit the dust, and setting the cause of civilization in Europe back just as long. Luckily, while they couldn't 'get' the Christ thing, a faggot going around with a beard, robe and sandals with 12 homo disciples and never doing it with hot women, then accomplishing nothing militarily or politically other than getting his butt kicked too easily and crucified like a whimp while his pitiful few remaining disciples all hid and/or denied him, while they on the other hand worshipped Thor with his Thunder Hammer, and didn't want to go to Christian Heaven where the Bible says there is no sex, but to the Heroes' Hall in Valhalla where they get to fight all day, die, get resurrected, and screw gorgeous Swedish babes and get drunk on mead all night, then sleep to noon and start over, forever - whew, let me catch my breath - while they couldn't 'get' this whimp and his cult for centuries, one thing about all pagans is that they are by nature superstitious and like to cover all bases, so as the Big Year 1000 (Da Millennium) approached, they finally got spooked by all the missionary talk (before they raped them and slit their throats) that Christ himself would return to judge the living and dead, and the hype worked, because in the late 900s they all decided to quit being bad and lined up to take a bath and join up. It also helped that Thor's Thunder Hammer was the same shape as Christ's Cross, so they didn't have to shell out for a new set of bling, and everybody needs a bath once a year or so. Okay, when their children got brought up as Christians they finally understood that sex outside marriage is sin, that Christ was the perfect man who never yielded to temptation and sinned, and that he purposely let himself be sacrified as the Lamb of God to save humanity, hello to Anglo-Saxon sex guilt and the stoic Swede. At least Christian Euros could finally go back to civilization building, having slipped behind the Muslims and now finally able to make up lost time.

Oh yes, Muslim Science, check out the one-sided Ben Kingsley vids and get back with me. Yes, the rise of the Roman Catholic Church and its suppression of all free thought caused it to hold back the rise of Science because all works of ancient pagans, including Greek and Roman scientists were considered works of the Devil and banned, like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Ironically, the Church even suppressed other Christians, particularly those who wanted the Bible alone to be their authority, not Church synods (they later split off permanently as the Protestants starting in 1517). The Muslims, on the other hand, after learning the secret of papermaking from Chinese POWs captured at the Battle of Talas in 751 would take those ancient manuscripts by Plato, Aristotle, Archimedes, Euclid, Eratosthenes et al. captured during their conquests of Christian towns and translate them into Arabic (sometimes via Persian), where a small elite cadre in Spain (Al-Andalus) and another in Mesopotamia at the House of Wisdom in Baghdad funded by the caliphs studied them and actually advanced Science a bit, about to the modern pre-calculus high school level, no, the 5th grader level, with Muhammad al-Khwarizmi (780-850) developing algebra (Arabic for restoration), Abu Baker Muhammad Razi (865-925) ("the Islamic Hippocrates") et al. developing medicine and alchemy (Arabic for art of transformation) (the start of chemistry), Alhazen (Abu Ali al-Hasan ibn al-Hasan ibn al-Haytham) (965-1038) of Egypt (who tried to lay low from the caliphs by feigning madness) founding modern optics, and Ibn Sina (Avicenna) (980-1037) of Persia becoming their best all-around raghead brain man. Too bad, it's pretty hard to engage in a laborious lab research project when you have to stop and pray 1-2-3-4-5 times a day to the non-existent Blaalah while Islamic police hold scimitars over your necks, and since religious dictators control society, any and every advance you make is immediately subjected to scrupulous examination for potential heresy, plus why aren't you out there with everybody else, Abdul, killing infidels for Allah, what are you, a draft evader? Hence, Islam had its chance to prove to the world that it was the leader in Science and Technology who would turn Earth into a paradise, and blew it bigtime, forever proving it to be the opposite, watch that pothole it might contain an IED, which to be fair puts it on a par with the horrible mean Roman Catholic Church, let's rack 'em up, it seems like the Devil takes over all big organizations after enough time, which is why the little guy has to know who's at the top, God or the Devil, and bypass the organization as necessary to get to the real dude. Not that it's all the Muslims' fault. The House of Wisdom was destroyed by the Mongols of Hulegu Khan in 1258, after which the waters of the Tigris River ran black for 6 mo. from all the ink from the ruined books.

On Jan. 5, 909 the Shiite Fatimids from Ifriqiya (Tunisia and Algeria) took over Egypt along with the caliphate, founding the city of Cairo and ruling the Maghreb ("place of the sunset") (NC and NE Africa), Levant (E Mediterranean incl. the Holy Land), Sicily and Malta until 1171. They considered Christians as dumb animals compared to their high civilization, and were the ones who had to take on the pesky backward filthy illegal immigrant Crusaders, who might have set back the cause of Christ a thousand years with their atrocities, no, not maybe.

Back in Spain, in 981 Al Mansur (Almanzor) (938-1002) took over as caliph of Cordoba, winning 57 straight campaigns and pushing the Muslim boundaries by 1000 to their maximum extent, bunching the remaining Christians in the NW in the kingdoms of Leon, Castile, and Pamplona. Too bad, he brought in Berber mercenaries to win, who stayed and later took over. Later, Hollyweird released the 1964 flick The Long Ships, with Sidney Poitier portraying Al Mansur, who titillates white U.S. audiences when he gets all the white babes he wants and they like it, kiss me with a hammer, ride the Steel Mare.

Back in Afghanistan, Mahmud of Ghazni (971-1030) (descendant of former Turkish slaves) turned the city of Ghazni S of Kabul into the capital of an extensive Muslim empire extending into Iran, Pakistan, and NW India, becoming the first to use the title of sultan ("authority"), while acknowledging the suzerainty of the caliphs. When he wasn't persecuting Fatimid Shiites for his Abbasid caliphs, in 1008 he invaded India and pillaged, looted and destroyed numerous Hindu and Buddhist temples, including the great Temple of Krishna in Mathura, followed by the Temple of Shiva in Somnath, Gujarat in 1024, personally hammering the golden lingam (phallus) to pieces and carting the temple's stones back to Ghazni for use in the Jama Masjid (Friday Mosque). Ever since, Hindus hated the Muslims' guts. Sultan One did use some of his loot to patronize Persian poet Firdawsi (Firdausi) (Ferdowsi) (935-1020), who produced the Shahnameh, Iran's national epic, telling of Iran's mythical past from Creation to the Islamic conquest, which revived the Persian language after it had been smothered by Arabic.

With the gigantic threat of Islam looming, you think this would have caused Rome and Constantinople to kiss and make up, but split happened to them as well, and they schismed religiously in 1054, the same year that Chinese and Arab astronomers first recorded the Crab Nebula (no Euro astronomers did, they were too backward), the Eastern church ending up being called the Eastern Orthodox Catholic Church, the Mona Lisa isn't oil on canvas but oil on wood.

On Aug. 26, 1071 the Battle of Manzikert (Malazgirt) was a giant V for the Turkish Sunni Seljuk Dynasty (1037-1194) under sultan #2 Alp Arslan ("valiant lion") (1029-72) over the Byzantines under emperor (1068-71) Romanos IV Diogenes (1030-72), after which Turks began moving into Asia Minor permanently, eventually turning it into Turkey as they contracted the Christians back toward Constantinople and turned their churches into mosques, including the Seven Churches of Asia that St. John the Evangelist had written his Revelation to, I guess it was past the Millennium and they weren't needed anymore for the big punchline.

Around 1090 the Persian Shiite sect of Assassins (Hashshashin) was founded by Hassan-i Sabbah (1050-1124), which loved to assassinate its enemies with daggers, incl. the Fatimids, Seljuk Turks, even the famed Saladin. For a long time Westerners thought they smoked hashish, but they forgot that they weren't love-peace hippies, and had the clean-burning mental fuel of pure Islam hate and the orgasm of holy murder and didn't need it, sorry. Still, the hash-assin story is too good not to tell history ignoramuses.

After Al Mansur died, a big breakthrough for the Christians in Spain was made by El Cid (Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar) (1043-99), Doctor of Military Arts (Campeador), who on his warhorse Babieca (Spanish for stupid) conquered the plum, er, orange city of Valencia in 1094, and tried a mini-megamerge, allowing both Christians and Muslims into the army and administration. Too bad, after he died the Muslim Berber Almoravids (new kids on the block in Morocco in 1040-1147) recaptured it on May 5, 1102, and put Christians back into their 9th class places.

In passing, I must mention one Muslim that is almost good enough to emigrate to the West even today, the freethinking wine-loving Persian brain man Omar Khayyam (1048-1122), known for his epic treatise on algebra, and his cool poem The Rubaiyat. The truth is that he was so cool because he was Persian first and Muslim last, i.e., areligious, and it's too bad the Iranians of today don't chuck Islam and that Shiite shiite and get with it like him, they'd become a magnificent culture again. "Some go for the pleasures here below/ Others yearn for the Prophet's Paradise to come/ Ah, take the cash and let the credit go,/ Nor heed the rumble of a distant drum." "A book of verses underneath the bough,/ A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou/ Beside me singing in the wilderness/ Oh, wilderness were Paradise enow!" "The Moving Finger writes, and having writ,/ Moves on, nor all thy piety nor wit/ Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,/ Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it."

It was now 1095, 450 years after the death of Prophet Muhammad, and 95 years after Christ's failed Second Coming, and you'd think that the Christian world would finally drop deadbeat dad Christ for areligious secularism and Science like in the good ole Roman days, and unite with the whole non-Muslim world to create a circle of steel around the Muslim world and contract it until they killed or converted every last one of them world stinkers to stop them from breeding, then turned Mecca into a giant casino. But no, they would never give up Christ, and all other religions, especially the Christian one have moral principles, and can't come up with the resolve to start the job and finish it if it don't look like self-defense, else they might have got lucky and got the Saracens in a sandwich with the Mongols. And there was no Internet they could all communicate on to wise up and organize, rather, they were just emerging from the Dark Ages and many even thought that Muhammad was a Christian heretic. Worse, St. John's Revelation seemed to be talking to them and telling them to wait for Christ to lead an army of angels and finish them off, but that he was waiting for them to show their faith by taking Jerusalem for him first, yes, that's it, he's waiting for us to make the first move. Anyway, love stinks, and starting in 1095 the Christians began the misguided Crusades, not to finally exterminate Islam but merely to regain Jerusalem, with the leaders wearing white tunics with the bloody red cross of Christ on them, announcing that they wanted to make infidel Saracen blood flow so they could get a free pass to Heaven from the pope, Rome's Dancing With the Stars on ABC. Pope (1088-99) Urban II (1035-99) preached the first Crusade, er, First Crusade, promising a set-up-house plenary indulgence from sins for all who joined, causing every robber, rapist, murderer and other criminal in Christendom to flock in, while the royals snubbed it, the highest ranking noble being leader Godfrey de Bouillon (1058-1100), duke of Lower Lorraine, who later got a promotion to king of Jerusalem but turned it down because he didn't want another David Letterman extortion case. Like the Sword and Cross program of Charlemagne, Christianity seems to have been corrupted by the Muslims themselves, their perception that they could get away with the convert-or-die thing working on their minds, as in the grass is redder on the other side and keep up with the Shits and Shinolas, so call it the what goes around comes around effect, act like a man, what's the matter with you. Sure, the Christians were only coming to the rescue of poor illegal immigrant pilgrims after hearing of Saracen atrocities, then got caught up in the moment, start pursuing your career in Christian criminal justice today. The Seljuks were the their first targets. On June 7-July 15, 1099 the Siege of Jersualem captured the Jewish capital for Christ, which they immediately stunk up by massacring Muslims and Jews as if they were the Allahu Akbars, with the soundbyte that the Crusaders "were killing and slaying even to the Temple of Solomon, where the slaughter was so great that our men waded in blood up to their ankles". "They went together through the streets with their swords and spears in hand. All that they met they slew and smote right down, men, women, and children, sparing none... They slew so many in the streets that there were heaps of dead bodies, and one might not go nor pass but upon them that so lay dead... There was so much blood shed that the channels and gutters ran all with blood, and all the streets of the town were covered with dead men." (12th cent. historian William of Tyre). After the remaining Jews (who had helped the Muslims defend the city) holed-up in their synagogue, the Christians burned them alive, allegedly singing "Christ, We Adore Thee", God's Weight Plan, only 100 calories each. Starting with Crusade #2, the royals took them over in order to get the credit. One permanent thing the Crusades generated that changed Euro history was the Knights Templar, named after the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem, who were supposed to guard Christian pilgrims in their dangerous journeys to and from the coastal port of Jaffa, but somehow got infiltrated by the Illuminati and/or Satanists and formed a secret organization to destroy the Catholic Church from within, culminating in the profound super-accurate historical tomes of Yankee Templar-wannabe Dan Brown (1964-), nyuk nyuk.

Too bad, each time the Christians captured Jerusalem, the Muslims would regroup and take it back, one of the coolest leaders they produced being cool-black-clothes-wearing Saladin (Salah ad-Din Yusuf ibn Ayyub) (1138-93), a Kurdish Sunni Muslim warlord who dissolved the Shiite Fatimid Caliphate in 1171-4 and founded the Ayyubid Dynasty in Egypt and N Africa, Hejaz and Yemen, Syria, and N Mesopotamia, with capital in Damascus, which lasted until 1341. Saladin had a rep even in Europe (e.g., in Boccaccio's Decameron ca. 1350) for chivalrous behavior despite being a Muslim, and recaptured Jerusalem after the Battle of the Horns of Hattin near the Sea of Galilee 6 mi. from Tiberias on July 4, 1187, defeating 20K Christians with his 30K men after using desert tactics to trap them then make them fry and die of thirst, and killing 17K of them, but sparing their king Guy de Lusignan with the soundbyte "Real kings don't kill each other". I know, you're going to tell me that the Muslims are no worse than the Christians when you check back on their hostile history, but there is a big difference, namely, that Christ didn't order his followers to kill for him, but Muhammad did. Christ only said to go out and preach the Gospel to gentiles, it was the Church (pope etc.) that twisted it, which is why there was always an intellectual underground fighting it, which could win because they could go back to the words of their founder, while any enlightenment movement in Islam had to fight theirs. Small wonder that after nine Crusades the Saracens finally kicked the pesky Crusaders out permanently in 1270, their history books describing them as mere pimples on their ass, gimme more, gimme more, gimme more, after which they kept the Holy Land until the mighty U.S. and U.N. forced the state of Israel on them in 1948, and kept Jerusalem until the Israelis took it during the Six-Day War in 1967. Not that Judaism isn't also a sick totalitarian cult, but at least they haven't taken to converting others to it by force, recently :)

After Saladin kicked the Crusaders out of Jerusalem, the next Crusade was led by English king Richard ("strong ruler") I Lionheart (1157-99), who never made it to Jerusalem because he got hung up in Egypt after first stinking himself up by executing 2.7K Muslim POWs in Acre to free himself for the Sept. 7, 1191 Battle of Arsuf, which he won after learning the lesson of the Horns of Hattin and bringing plenty of water horns and hats in, with a far different result, 7K Muslims vs. only 700 Christians killed, Richard I shouting the new hip battle cry "Sanctum Sepulchrum Adjuva!" (Help us, Holy Sepulchre!), after which having alienated some key nobles and watching them bug out, he decided to bypass Jerusalem and take Saladin's main supply base of Egypt, but gave up and struck a 3-year truce with Saladin before returning to Europe, only to be captured by his half-Byzantine half-Austrian enemy Duke Leopold V of Austria (1157-94), whom Lionheart had insulted by throwing his banner into the acres of mud of Acre, causing him to invent the red-and-white triband Austrian Flag using a white strip of cloth found under his bloody tunic after the battle, and develop a lifelong grudge, holding him for a kingsize 150K mark ransom before allowing him to return to Merry Ole England and pardon Robin Hood and his mean backstabbing younger brother Prince John, who in 1199 after Richard got killed in France by a mere boy with a crossbow and a frying pan shield who was getting even for his dead daddy and brothers became king John I (1166-1216), who was called Lackland because his daddy Henry II didn't give him any lands to rule, only a sum of German marks, which permanently warped his personality, not that he wasn't a lameass in bed, with the second nickname Softsword. Just kidding, a lameass in battle, which turned out to be a good thing, because he was such a hated ruler that his barons refused to fight for him, causing him to tax them to pay for foreign mercenaries, until the barons revolted against him and forced him in 1215 to sign the Magna Charta (Carta), a greata charta of their liberties, particularly no taxation without representation and the right to a jury trial, which set the West off on the course of secular democratic republican govt., starting with the idea that despite the divine right of kings b.s. a king isn't above the law and has to answer to Parliament before taking their property or money, and can't summarily order executions but has to let a jury decide, while the Muslim countries forever labored under the Quran and its theocratic Sharia govts. run by Muslim clerics who claim authority straight from Ass Clown Allah and are above the law, while its secular rulers rule by any means they can get away with it via the dog eat dog top dog rules the pack theory, AKA despotism. So for the last 800 years the West has systematically been improving its form of govt. while the Islamic countries have had their heads stuck in the 7th cent., which is why historyscopers like moi are necessary. By the way, after Lionheart executed his Muslim POWs, Saladin responded by executing all 1.6K of his Christian POWs, so much for using the Crusades as an arguing point for the equality of Islam with Christianity except as a limbo contest of how low some of the leaders on both sides could go.

Back in N Africa, the Almohad Dynasty of Berber Muslim Unitarians set up shop in Morocco in 1121, conquering the Maghreb east as far as Libya, and also taking over Al-Andalus (Spain), moving their capital to Seville and lasting until 1269.

To skip a little, after 500 years of fighting back inch by inch, step by step, on July 16, 1212 the Battle of Las Navas de Tolosa was a giant V for the Christians of Aragon, Castile, Navarre and Portugal over the Almohad Muslims in Spain, after which they ran scared, losing Cordoba in 1236 and Seville in 1248, and by 1252 only the Nasrid Kingdom of Granada in the south (founded 1238) (the place where the pesky Jews of Elvira originally helped them invade) remained, along with some territory held by their rivals the Marinid Dynasty (1244-1465), who lost their last fortress in Spain in 1344, sharing N Africa with the Hafsid Dynasty, which ruled Ifriqya (Tunisia) from 1229 to 1574, becoming pirates of Christian shipping and using the loot to build up their arts and culture. Granada survived by becoming a tributary state of Castile in 1238, supplying it with troops while becoming a trade hub with the Muslim world.

Time out for a recap. The sudden explosion of this obviously Satanic cult from a godforsaken neck of the woods in 6 divided by 3 equals 2 caused the Christians to believe that Satan was finally sending his son the Antichrist to destroy them by the Big Year 666, the chances of this virus showing up are virtually nil, yikes, it's airborne. At first the Muslims made a big dent in Christendom, pioneering the techniques of Shock for Allah, contracting the Byzantines around Constantinople, taking the Holy Land, Egypt and North Africa, followed by Spain starting in 711, but luckily their hate cult sprung a leak and began schisming and chewing itself up, and never finished the job, allowing the dazed Christians to regroup and retrench, what is this, happy hour, and it took a long time, but a pope did finally make it official, Pope (1198-1216) Innocent III (1160-1216) in 1213 calling King John, er, Prophet Muhammad the "Beast of the Apocalypse", no way, way, and by the early 1300s Pope (1305-14) Clement V (1264-1314) showed that the Christians were swinging to the offensive, declaring the presence of Muslims on Christian soil an insult to God, giving the Christian kingdoms of Spain a blank check to finish kicking the last Muslim butts back to Africa. Too bad, the Muslim mindset of executing apostates automatically with no church-state distinctions to worry about had infected the Catholic Church so deeply after 600 years that it set up the horrible Holy Catholic Inquisition during the reign of Pope (1227-41) Gregory IX (-1241), which used gruesome tortures to make the suspected heretics confess, proving their guilt so they could be handed over to the secular authorities for burning at the stake, call it the separation of church and state for legal paperwork purposes only.

Starting in 1206 the Muslims finally got what's coming to them, the horrible Mongols, run by Genghis Khan (1162-1227), who came out of NE Asia with his hordes of nomadic tribes and ended up building the biggest empire in history, including China and most of Central Asia, and kicked the butt of the Persian Sunni Muslim Khwarezmian Dynasty (founded 1077) (the successor to the Seljuks) in 1220, taking Bukhara and Samarkand, and finishing it off by 1231. The remnants of the Khwarezmian military went to Iraq and Egypt and served as mercenaries, conquering Jerusalem on July 11, 1244, then destroying the Christian relief force on Oct. 17-18, 1244 at the Battle of Harbiyah (La Forbie) NE of Gaza, the biggest battle in the Holy Land since 1187.

Meanwhile the Mongolians, er, Mongols led by Hulegu (Hulagu) Khan (1217-65) (grandson of Genghis Khan) came in from the eastern wings and sacked Baghdad in 1258, destroying the Abbasid regime, although the Mamluk (Mameluk) ("owned") wing of it (Kipchak Turkish slaves who got the right to carry weapons and used them to take over in 1250) ruled Egypt until 1517, when the Ottomans (who got their start taking peoples fleeing from the Mongols and regrouping them under their banner to fight other Turks) took them over, along with everything else in Muslimland, but let them continue on as Ottoman footstool vassals, from have to to want to.

Too bad, losing the west side of Europe didn't stop them, but only made them concentrate harder on the east side, which was anchored down by the super fortress city (three concentric rings of walls) of Constantinople, which, as you remember, was founded way back in 330 C.E. as the original capital of Christian Rome and held by Christians ever since, but schismed religiously with the Roman Catholic Christian Church in Crab Nebula Year 1054, causing them to excommunicate each other and no longer er, talk, which later helped them lose the Crusades. Meanwhile the Sunni Ottoman Empire, founded by Seljuk Turk Osman I the Black El-Gazi (1258-1326) (black meaning he attained the highest degree of manly beauty, and Osman meaning bone-breaker not the Osmond Brothers) began taking over the Muslim world in 1299, lasting until 1929, er, July 24, 1923, while systematically eating away at the Byzantine Empire, turning what they used to call Asia (now Asia Minor) into Turkey. Ottoman clan leaders liked to call themselves "ghazis", meaning warriors for Islam, sounds so peaceful, and as they captured Christian towns and turned the population into slaves, they would take the boys away and bring them up as fanatical Muslim soldiers called Janissaries ("Yeni-ceri" in Turkish means New Army), who were starved for sex and only allowed to have it after capturing a Christian town, after which they got a 3-day pass for rape and pillage, I'm Joseph you're Mary, no virgin birth this time.

Speaking of black, the Black Death (bubonic plague) hit Europe in 1347-50, killing a third or half of all the people and animals, after which the intellectuals finally realized that the Church didn't have a pipeline to God like it had been pretending, and thus couldn't cut off your path to heaven via excommunication, at least it's worth risking it to make the world a better place, causing them to actually start approaching the infidel Muslims to get some of them ancient manuscripts to look at. At first they had to translate back from Arabic to Latin, causing many inaccuracies, but after Roger Bacon (1214-94) of England (a Franciscan friar) showed them the way of checking all their facts via experimentation based on his studies of Plato, plus leaked intel from Muslim scientists, and the Old Skool Scholastics who clung to Archimedes (who claimed that a light ball falls slower than a heavy one, just don't check it from the Leaning Tower of Pisa or anything, take my word for it) were overthrown, Western Science began to take off, and passed the decrepit Muslim world up like it was standing still starting in the 1400s. Meanwhile honorable mention should be given to Italian poet Dante Alighieri (1265-1321), who wrote the poem The Divine Comedy, which consigned Muhammad to the 9th Ditch of the 8th Circle of Hell for those who have caused religious schism, among the Sowers of Religious Discord. Back then, European intellectuals were often polymaths and universal thinkers who also made breakthroughs in the arts, literature, philosophy, economics and politics, resulting in the West developing all the wonderful concepts of individual rights and controls on government tyranny, culminating in the super-duper every-country-should-have-it U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights of 1787, whose principles are totally at variance with Islam and its union of church and state under mental slavery. But I'm getting off the subject. No I'm not. The future of Planet Earth is either a government based on its principles, or on Muslim's horrible Sharia, it's like two scorpions in a bottle, only one can remain, and since I'm an optimist, I know that there has to be an end to Islam in the world's future somewhere, and that great day will become a worldwide celebration, and I hope to live to see it though I don't really think I will.

Speaking of bill of rights, two scorpions in a bottle, and big celebration, let's not skip mean Persianized Turkish Muslim conqueror Timur the Lame (Tamerlane) (1336-1405) from Samarkand, Uzbekistan, who married into Genghis Khan's family then built a giant empire of peace and love in C and W Asia, it's like sausage, yummy as long as you don't watch it being made. To a Muslim, an infidel is an infidel, and doesn't have to be a Christian or Jew, Hindus are fair lame, er, game. On Dec. 17, 1398 Timur the Lame conquered Delhi, India, sacking it and massacring the pop. in cold blood. In his own words "In a short space of time all the people in the Delhi fort were put to the sword, and in the course of one hour the heads of 10,000 infidels were cut off, the sword of Islam was washed in the blood of the infidels, and all the goods and effects, the treasure and the grain which for many a long year had been stored in the fort became the spoil of my soldiers... Their women and children and their property and goods became the spoil of the victors. I proclaimed throughout the camp that every man who had infidel prisoners should put them to death, and whoever neglected to do so should himself be executed and his property given to the informer. When this order became known to the ghazis of Islam, they drew their swords and put their prisoners to death. One hundred thousand infidels, impious idolaters, were on that day slain. Maulana Nasiruddin Umar, a counselor and man of learning, who in all his life had never killed a sparrow, now, in execution of my order, slew with his sword fifteen idolatrous Hindus, who were his captives.... On the great day of battle these 100,000 prisoners could not be left with the baggage, and that it would be entirely opposed to the rules of war to set these idolaters and enemies of Islam at liberty... No other course remained but that of making them all food for the sword." After what Islam did to it, Delhi took a century to recover. So even almost 800 years after Ass Clown gave his original orders to all true Muslims to go out and produce zombies, slaves and corpses, it was working like gangbusters, I bet you want a bunch of them moving into your neighborhood for multiculturalism and diversity, not, think of what they could do in New York or Chicago with them swords of Islam, party like it's 1999. I can just see mass murderer Tumor Lameass up in Heaven with Christ and Moses now after Islam proves to be the only true religion like Ass Clown said, chuckle.

Meanwhile Constantinople held out and held out, protecting Europe's ass, er, rear. Slobby Dan Milosevic can tell you more than I know, but after taking Gallipoli in 1354 and moving up the Balkans, on June 15 (St. Vitus' Day), 1389 the Ottomans under sultan (1359-89) Murad I "the Godlike" (1326-89) kicked the butts of the Christian Serbs at the Battle of Kosovo on the Field of the Blackbirds, setting the world up for WWI, while isolating Constantinople. At least a lucky Serb got the sultan after getting into his tent somehow. In 1391 reeling Byzantine emperor (1391-1425) Manuel II Palaeologus (1350-1425) uttered the immortal soundbyte "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached", trying to reason with a learned Persian Muslim that "God is not pleased by blood, and not acting reasonably is contrary to God's nature. Faith is born of the soul, not the body. Whoever would lead someone to faith needs the ability to speak well and to reason propertly, without violence and threats. To convince a reasonable soul, one does not need a strong arm, or weapons of any kind, or any other means of threatening a person with death", to which the Muslim replied that his God isn't bound even by his own word, and that nothing can make him even reveal the truth to Muslims, and that he could even make them practise idolatry if he wanted, sounds like a perfect description of the Devil. I wish I made this up, but it's history and I'm just scoping it for you, sorry, it's over 600 years old. In 1394 the Ottomans under partly-Greek sultan (1389-1402) Bayezid (Beyazid) I "the Thunderbolt" (1347-1403) conquered Thessaly and began the First Ottoman Siege of Constantinople, blockading it to starve it out, the sultan telling the emperor "Close the gates of the city, for I own everything outside." Lucky for the Christians, the Mongols came along and defeated the Ottomans in Ankara in July 1402, ending the seige and giving them a breather, although much of the pop. of the starving plague-filled city had fled the sinking ship. To make a long you know what short, after the West refused pleas for help, and Ottoman Sultan Mehmed II the Conqueror (1432-81) reneged on his oath on the Quran to the Byzantine embassy on his accession in 1451 that he would respect their territorial integrity, only to siege the city in Apr. 1453 using sappers and giant cannon, the Ottomans took Constantinople on May 28-29, 1453 (Mon.-Tues.), massacring, raping, plundering and enslaving the Christian population, and turning the Church of Hagia Sophia into a mosque, after which they had an open back door into Eastern Europe. Constantinople was renamed Istanbul, meaning in the city or downtown, the city that connects Europe with Asia, which went from the capital of the Roman Empire to the capital of the Ottoman Empire in 1123 years thanks to Mad Mahomet the Prophet of the people that Jehovah said were wild asses. They did tolerate the Greek Orthodox Church, as long as they accepted 9th class citizenship. The entire Ottoman push was offensive and unprovoked, Islam and fun go hand in hand, Allahland, where a kid can be a devil. Big C now a done deal, Mehmed II went to work on Albania, which became a symbol of resistance to Christendom as it was bravely defended by Roman Catholic convert Skanderbeg (1405-68) and his 30K men from 1443-68. Finally in 1478 Kruje fell after the 4th siege when Mehmed II promised the defenders safe passage then reneged, killing the men and enslaving the women and children and taking the younger women as wives. In 1479, having resisted the Ottomans since 1474, Shkodra (Shkoder) in N Albania finally fell to Mehmed II after a heroic struggle, the peace treaty with the Venetians on Jan. 25 permitting the defenders to leave unharmed for real, after which many fled to Italy, Greece, Egypt and other countries, leaving the Turks a free hand to Muslimize Albania, how sorry can you feel for somebody on the wrong side of the Adriatic.

Speaking of Black Death, wild asses, Ottoman sultans, and off the subject, I must mention Wallachian Prince Vlad III Dracula (the Dragon) (Son of Da Devil) Tepes (the Impaler) (1431-76). He was an example of what happens to a Christian who spends too much time hanging out at the Ottoman court, where he was held as a hostage during his youthful formative years, and watched horrific tortures until he began to like them, no love them, no need them. He lived during the time of Mehmed II, and when he got loose, leggo my eggo, he outdid the Ottomans in his horrific cruelty in the Carpathians, spawning a whole genre of literature, what would we do without it? But from a historical viewpoint, we might think of him as a victim of Islam who had to spend his life on the Christian-Muslim border and had one foot in each camp. Maybe if you're a Goth who likes to wear black and Twitter, that sounds good, but we're talking about real impaling here not some cool nighttime parties where you might get laid. And sorry, he didn't become an immortal vampire who looks like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, he lived a miserable life and had a miserable death, although his tomb in Snagov 25 mi. from Bucharest was opened and found to be empty in the 1930s, don't miss reading Elizabeth Kostova's 2004 novel The Historian while popping Resveratrol pills.

Meanwhile after giving up on ending Muslim control of the Mediterranean Sea, by the early 1400s Western Euro powers began improving their ability to navigate on the seas using stolen Muslim astrolabes, and set out south in search of another route to India and China so they could get hold of yummy spices to make their unrefrigerated rotten meat more palatable, plus so that they could steal anything that wasn't bolted down. It didn't take long for the Portuguese to discover Africa, taking back their first African slaves in 1434, that was no sweat, but the big breakthrough for the world war between Christians and Muslims was in 1492, when Spanish-backed Christopher Columbus (1451-1506) discovered America AKA the New World, thinking it was was part of the Old World, India, because he knew the world was round despite the official opinion of the Church, but vastly underestimated the circumference. In 1498 Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama (1460-1524) finally found a route around Africa to India, reaching Kappakadavu near Calcutta on May 20, and discovering that Arab merchants had beat him to it, but going on to kick them out. The discoveries made Spain and Portugal rich with stolen loot, including tons of gold, and gave them a strategic advantage in future fights with the Muslim Hive, although it exposed them and their Roman Catholic Church backers as cruel greedy genocide artists and slavemasters, the intellectual backlash causing them to eventually concoct the theory of white supremacy as a justification.

In 1491-2 after 780 long hard years, Ferdinand II (1452-1516) and Isabella I (1451-1504) of Aragon and Castile kicked the butt of the last Muslim ruler of Granada, Muhammad XII (Boabdil) (1460-1533) out of Spain back to North Africa, completing the Reconquista (begun in 711). Given safe passage with his family after surrendering, Big Boabdil took one last look at the ultra-cool Alhambra ("red fortress") from El Ultimo Suspiro del Moro (The Moor's Last Sigh) Bridge, and his mother uttered the immortal soundbyte "Weep like a woman for what you could not defend like a man." Three hankies please. No surprise, the "Catholic Kings" Ferdinand and Isabella also expelled the Jews from Spain in 1492, so again no surprise, while they were still in Granada the panicky Jews sent closet Jew (Marrano, which is Spanish for swine, a Jew faking conversion to Christianity to foil the Holy Catholic Inquisition) did-I-mention Christopher Columbus (1451-1506), who tricked them into financing his emergency expedition to find a new homeland for the Jews, making Mel Gibson right once again, the Jews actually discovered America and brought the horrible Catholics in, causing all the wars of extermination, although you can't blame them too much, they thought they were just finding an escape route to the east coast of India where they could be far from both Christians and Muslims, the car, is it running, it's running, make for the driver's side, ready go. Back in Granada, since they actually hoped to convince the Muslims that Christ was right and Muhammad a bum by pure logic, Fred and Ethel graciously permitted them to stay, and when that didn't work, in 1499 pissed-off Franciscan Cardinal Francisco Jimenez de Cisneros (1436-1517) (who reformed the Franciscan order in Spain, making them give up their concubines, causing 400 monks and friars to flee with them to Africa and convert to Islam, making him only more determined) got tired of trying to reason with the Mudejar (Muslims remaining in Granada) and started forced conversions and baptisms to save their damned souls from Hell, causing the Muslims to revolt, after which in 1501 the Castilian crown rescinded the amnesty and ordered them to convert or leave, causing the majority to convert, becoming Moriscos, Catholics of Moorish descent, most of whom remained secret Muslims ready to support a new invasion like the Jews had done in 711, after which on Apr. 9, 1609 Spanish king (1598-1621) Philip III (1578-1621) ordered the expulsion of the Moriscos (incl. Jews) in Spain, expelling 275K by 1614, that's Levi Johnston, father of Sarah Palin's grandchild.

Twenty-five years after Columbus discovered the New World, the greed and corruption of the pig-troughing Church finally caused Catholic monk Martin Luther (1483-1546) to nail his 95 theses to the door of the church in Wittenberg, Germany on Oct. 31, 1517 (Halloween), launching the Protestant Reformation, which didn't exactly work out as he planned, not reforming the Church but instead creating a new one that fought a long bloody war for survival that only ended in 1648, and later bolstered white supremacy even more, since the Germans who ran it were blonde-blue so-called Aryans, and you know what they did to da Jews, not to mention what the Yankee gringos did to the aborigines in North America. Not that the discovery of America by the Muslims wouldn't have been far more horrible, both there and back in Europe as they used the new riches to finally take it, check out my new novel when it comes out.

While the Spanish and Portuguese were busy raping and pillaging the New World in a not un-Muslimlike fashion, the Ottoman Empire reached its peak during the reign of sultan (1520-66) Suleiman I the Magnificent (1494-1566) (known for his magnificently huge turban), taking over the last territory run by the Byzantines, including Serbia then invading Hungary in 1526 and crushing the Hungarian army at the First Battle of Mohacs in S Hungary on the right bank of the Danube River on Aug. 29, 1526, followed a week later by the town of Pest (home of a lot of guess what, Jewish pests) across the Danube River from Christian-held Buda, opening the way to the Danube Basin and leading to the partitioning of Hungary between the Ottoman Empire, the Hapsburg Monarchy of Austria, and the Principality of Transylvania. Suleiman I then tried to magnificently finish Europe off from the over-easy sunny-side-up east side with the unsuccessful but scary Siege of Vienna on Sept. 27-Oct. 14, 1529, but luckily, when Westerners get outnumbered they become heroes, and they held back the horrible Muslim hordes for the time being. After they invaded again in 1532, 800 Hungarians held the 80K-man Ottoman army back for 25 days in the Siege of Koszeg, causing them to have to regroup before they occupied Buda (on the other side of the Danube River from Pest) in 1541, setting it up as the capital of a Muslim province. Buda was a V for Suleiman I only through trickery, since he invited Hungarian gen. Count Balint Torok (Bálint Török) de Enying (1502-51) to a sumptuous dinner in his tent, giving him the first coffee tasted by a Euro, along with the first Euro caffeine buzz, I wish I had been there, while sending his best soldiers to take Buda Castle, from con man to CEO and the love of my daughter's life. After 80K Ottomans took Temesvar (Timosoara) in W Romania in July 1552, along with most of Transylvania, on Sept. 4 they took Szolnok in C Hungary, after which 150K-200K Turks began the Siege of Eger in N Hungary E of the Matra Mts., where 2K Christian forces under Capt. Baron Istvan Dobo de Ruszka (1502-72) successfully fended them off, checking Ottoman expansion into C and E Europe. This pesky and stubborn defense of Europe for Buddha, er, Christ caused Suleiman I to give up and decide his empire was big enough for the time being, giving the West a much-needed breathing space to vamp up their hi tech military with all the New World wealth. Not that Dark Turban's successors didn't make their try, especially sultan (1595-1603) Mehmed III (1566-1603), who defeated Austria-Hungary and Germany on Oct. 24-26, 1596 at the Battle of Kerestes just as they were about to defeat him and kick his Quran asses out of Bulgaria and half of Hungary. Note that when the Turks took Temesvar in 1552, they allowed large numbers of Spanish Jews to immigrate, until Prince Eugene of Savoy took it back in 1716, then ordered them all out as Turkish spies in 1718, maybe that's the genesis of the Euro Jewish PC professor.

Meanwhile the Persian Timurid Muslims finally took over Hindustan in N India in 1526, founding the Mughal Empire, known for its top mogul (1556-1605) Akbar the Great (Jalaluddin Mohammad Akbar) (1542-1605), reaching their peak about 1700, controlling most of India from Bengal in the E to Balochistan in the W, and from Kashmir in the N to the Kaveri basin in the S, ruling over 1.5M sq. mi. (4M sq. km) and 110M-130 victims until it began to crumble starting in 1725 under the weight of the New Kid on the Block British, who split it up along with the Maratha Empire (1674-1820) in India, the Durrani Empire (1747-1823) in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and the Sikh Empire (1733-1849) in NW India. The last king Bahadur Zafar Shah II was cornered in Delhi, captured and exiled after the 1857 Sepoy Rebellion, ask Queen Victoria about it.

In the last days of the Suleiman the Magnificent era, the Christians began a long hard attempt to retake the Mediterranean. On May 9-14, 1560 the naval Battle of Djerba saw the Turks under admiral Piyale (Piali) Pasha (1515-78) and admiral (Tripoli pasha) Dragut (Turgut) Reis (1485-1565) defeat the mainly Spanish Holy League fleet under Italian Genoese admiral Giovanni Andrea Doria (1539-1606), great-nephew of old fart admiral Andrea Doria (1466-1560) near Djerba Island off Tunisia, sinking half its 120 ships, then taking the Spanish fort at Djerba after a 3-mo. siege. After taking 5K POWs, the Ottoman reps of the Muslim religion of love and peace of today massacred them in cold blood, the bones forming 20-ft.-high Skull Fort, which lasted three centuries, pretty hard to cover up, book your reservations now, maybe there's a dark cave with Talking Allah inside. Finally, on Oct. 7, 1571 after the new riches from America and hard lessons learned to never give an inch to an Allah Akbar finally changed the odds in their favor, plus Magnificent Silly Ass passed on to you know where, leaving the helm to his totally sexually debauched half-Ukrainian (Ruthenian) son Selim II Sarkhosh (1524-74), who became the first sultan to leave military affairs to his ministers so he could have orgies 24/7/365, the Battle of Lepanto on the Gulf of Patras in W Greece (last major naval battle fought between rowing vessels) was the first-ever V for Spain, Venice, and other Roman Catholics over the Muslims on the Mediterranean, reversing control and later making Club Med possible. Bald, white-bearded future saint Pope (1566-72) Pius V (Antonio Michele Ghislieri) (1504-72) allegedly saw the V in a vision in Rome at the exact moment it happened, ascribing it to intercession by Our Lady the Virgin Mary, even though he wasn't informed of it officially until Oct. 21, Playtex, who knows you like we do? This is the same pope who in 1570 excommunicated English king Henry VIII's daughter Queen (1558-1603) Elizabeth I (1533-1603), "the Virgin Queen", calling for all true Catholics to kill the "serpent of wickedness", which led to a 400-year culture war between the Protestant English and Catholic Spanish, with the English taking over half the world for the language and race of William Shakespeare (1564-1616) before the Germans could stop them, maybe he was right. Speaking of Spanish Shakespeare, future "Don Quixote" author Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616), who was wounded in the battle called it "The most noble and memorable event that past centuries have seen or future generations can ever hope to witness". The technological superiority of the West now became their blessing and curse, as they began to rely on it more and more to take on enemies who surrounded and outbred them, requiring each Western soldier to have to be able to take out dozens, hundreds, thousands to survive and thrive, no wonder they love the hero stories and even consider the Terminator to be a hero.

But the horrible Ottomans still had a grim grip on the Balkans. In 1598 the Orthodox Christian Bulgarians attempted a revolt in the First Tarnovo Uprising, only to get crushed, then did ditto in the Second Tarnovo Uprising in 1686. Meanwhile the Spanish founded a fort in Zamboanga in Mindanao, Philippines in 1635, but abandoned it in 1663, allowing a swarm of Muslim states to consolidate their power in the south. In 1666 Millennium Fever hit the Christian world again, and this time Smyrna-born Qabbalistic Jewish rabbi Sabbatai (Shabbethai) Zevi (1626-76) milked it for all it was worth, proclaiming himself the Messiah in 1648, moving to Cairo and getting rich, proclaiming himself again in 1665 in Aleppo, Syria in a Jewish synagogue, making him famous throughout Europe and causing groupies from as far away as France to arrive. Too bad, in the Big Year 1666 he made the mistake of going to Constantinople to crown himself sultan with the help of Jehovah, who didn't go along with it, and he was arrested and imprisoned, but bribed his way out, and escaped beheading by pretending to convert to Islam and donning a turban, which pleased the real sultan, who made him the royal doorkeeper, but after he was caught trying to convert Muslims to Judaism on the sly, he was banished to Montenegro until he croaked, after which his diehard followers continued his Sabbatean Cult to this day, with 100K true believers in Turkey.

Skipping ahead, after a thousand years of Islamic terrorist attacks on innocent Christian Europe since Maddass' Death in 632, giving the West time to pass them up permanently in military technology, on Sept. 11-12, 1683 the Battle of Vienna (Kahlenberg) was a giant V for a combined army of 84K Catholic and Protestant troops, led by Catholic Polish King Jan (John) III Sobieski (1629-96) and his 3K mounted Winged Hussars, along with Catholic Austrian Duke Charles V of Lorraine (1643-90), who kicked the butts of 150K-250K Muslim losers under sultan (1648-87) Mehmed IV (1642-93), leaving 10K Muslims dead and 5K wounded, and 5K taken POW, while losing only 2K Christians dead and 2.5K wounded. In the interest of forgetting their religious differences while throwing out the Saracens, the Catholic battle cry of "Maria help" was modified to a combo Catholic-Protestant battle cry of "Jesus and Maria help", there wasn't a dry eye in the house, despite Catholic Hapsburg-hating French king (1643-1715) Louis XIV (1638-1715) refusing to send help, and Protestant Hapsburg-hating Hungarian Count Imre Thokoly (1657-1705) aiding the Turks in hopes of becoming their vassal prince of Transylvania. After Buda was retaken in 1686 and the pesky Jews (who sided with the Turks) kicked out, the Ottomans were then thrown out of Hungary hopefully for good on Aug. 12, 1687 in the Second Battle of Mohacs with 60K Christian soldiers kicking the butts of 60K Muslim soldiers and losing only 600 vs. 10K Turks, after which the pesky Muslims never again attempted to subjugate Europe militarily, although they left all the other options on the table including mass migration to just take it over without firing a shot, giving illegal immigrants a bad name, just give me a generation of Islam history ignoramuses and PC professors. Meanwhile they did give the West one good thing, coffee, drink up, professor.

1683 represents the year when the Muslim world's military threat to the West ended, and the West began to leave it and its population and its stinking Allah along with the Medieval Ages in the rearview mirror as the the Islamic world failed to keep pace with the West, not only in science and technology, but in all key aspects, including the construction of public clocks, implementation of standardized linear measurements, and modernization in general, compounded by pervasive autocracy. First the Protestants and Catholics had to have it out, resulting in a permanent truce in the 1648 Peace of Westphalia, ending the Thirty Years' War in Germany and the Eighty Years' War in the Netherlands, after which fledgling Western Science was now pretty much free to romp unmolested by any organized religion, and it immediately began producing a long ever-growing line of super scientists building on the work of Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) of Italy (read the catalog), Nicolaus Copernicus (1473-1543) of Poland (heliocentric theory), William Gilbert (1544-1603) of England (electricity and magnetism), Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) of Italy (theory of momentum), and Johannes Kepler (1571-1630) of Germany (laws of the Solar System), including Rene Descartes (1596-1650) of France (analytical geometry), Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727) of England (law of gravitation, optics, calculus), Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz (1646-1716) of Germany (modern notation for calculus et al.), Carl Linnaeus (1707-78) of Sweden (biological classification and nomenclature), Antoine Lavoisier (1743-94) of France (law of mass conservation, metric system), Jons Jakob Berzelius (1779-1848) of Sweden (chemical formula notation), Michael Faraday (1791-1867) of England (electromagnetic induction, electrolysis), Gregor Johann Mendel (1822-84) of Austria (genetics), Louis Pasteur (1822-95) of France (germ theory of disease), James Clerk Maxwell (1831-79) of Scotland (electromagnetic field theory), Dmitri Mendeleyev (1834-1907) of Russia (Periodic Table of the Elements), Albert Einstein (1879-1955) of Austria and the U.S. (photoelectric effect, mass-energy equivalence, relativity theory), and Niels Bohr (1885-1962) of Denmark (quantum theory), the honor list grows exponentially, no Muslims but scads of Christians and Jews on it, gee, Allah, what happened, they were all infidels and should have been beheaded by your faithful Muslim fucktards so we could continue to grovel in the Muslim Golden Age of cubic equations and the search for the process for transmuting lead to gold, if I get a broken back will I still be able to walk? And then there's the applied scientists and inventors, including Johannes Gutenberg (1398-1468) of Germany (printing press), Galileo Galilei of Italy (already mentioned) (telescope), Anton van Leeuwenhoek (1632-1723) of the Netherlands (microscope), Benjamin Franklin (1706-90) of the U.S. (electricity), Alessandro Volta (1745-1827) of Italy (electric battery), Robert Fulton (1765-1815) of the U.S. (steamboat), Louis Daguerre (1787-1851) of France (photography), Charles Babbage (1791-1871) of England (computer), Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922) of Scotland (telephone), Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) of the U.S. (light bulb, phonograph, moving pictures), Rudolf Diesel (1858-1913) of Germany (diesel engine), Marie Curie (1867-1934) of France and Poland (radioactivity), Guglielmo Marconi (1874-1937) of Italy (radio), the Wright Brothers of the U.S. (airplane), Robert Hutchings Goddard (1882-1945) of the U.S. (rockets), Philo Taylor Farnsworth (1906-71) of the U.S. (TV). Where are the Muslim inventors? Oh yes, the auto clit slicing machine, the Wifi chastity belt, the IED, the butt bomb and shoe bomb, the Black Hole of Calcutta, all invented by Mohamed something. And I don't have enough megabytes available to cover Western art, literature, music, etc., while on the Muslim side there's about enough to fill a donkey cart, and anything good in it is probably by secular or skeptical or ex-Muslims.

But the Ottoman Empire wasn't kaput yet, and the Islamic clerics who really ran the show weren't about to chuck the basic problem of horrible Islam just to let their people have a happy prosperous society when they still had plenty of mentally enslaved manpower who thought living a life of Hell on Earth and dying in horrible pointless jihads was worth them 72 white quinnies, the cousins, the ants, the France, and after the Russians under 7-ft.-tall (but skinny) Tsar (1682-1725) Peter I the Great (1672-1725) attempted to modernize their military then tried to kick their butts in the Russo-Turkish War of 1710-1, only to get theirs kicked, and lucked out with easy peace terms when the Turks could have captured him and kept Russia down, it might have been a bribe who can prove it in court, the Turks decided to take back Hungary for Allah and avenge Big Hurt 1683, starting the Austrian-Turkish War of 1716-8, in which Prince Eugene of Savoy (Savoy-Carignan) (1663-1736) showed the turkeys how far behind they had fallen during all them prayers by kicking their 120K-man army's butts with only 60K men on Aug. 5, 1716 in the Battle of Petrovaradin (Peterwardein) in Serbia, killing 30K Turks as they fled in panic, including the grand vizier, how many rolls of Allah Toilet Paper is that and they never saw Europe, after which I already mentioned Savoy took Temesvar in mid-Oct. 1716 and ended 164 years of Turkish rule before going after Belgrade and taking it on Aug. 16, 1717 with his 40K troops, this time routing 200K Turkish buggers whose Allah was no match for good old Chinese gunpowder. At least Peter's attempts to modernize Russia worked slowly but surely, despite the resistance of the Orthodox Church, which even stalled the adoption of the Gregorian Calendar because it was Roman, which is why they now have their own nuclear wessels, see any Star Trek movie. Too bad, Turkey was put up to declaring war on Russia in 1710 by Orthodox Catholic Russia's Protestant enemy Charles XII of Sweden, setting them on a long course of backward jealous Russia, which was slower to give up its retro Christian superstitions vs. leading edge Allah-free freethinking Western Europe, which culiminated in the Cold War between the Christian U.S. and atheist Soviet Union after WWII, which was won by the U.S. after it went more areligious than ever while Russia started to regress back to religion, with Jews ping-ponging from one to the other, countries I mean, but I digress.

So Islam kept its mindset in the 7th cent. and its science and technology in the 11th, but you can't accuse Islam of not trying to reform itself internally. The problem is that they did it in the wrong direction, backwards. In the 18th cent., while Europe was enjoying the Age of Reason and Science, unitarian (the opposite of trinitarian, like the pesky Catholics, who believe that Christ is God, which has to be wrong, since there's only one God) back-to-cube-one Sunni reformer Muhammad ibn Abd-al-Wahhab (1703-92) came along in Arabia, proclaiming that anything that had been added to Islam since Prophet Muhammad's days was false, and wanting to get rid of the obvious idolatry of worshiping the Big Black Cube, placing fancy domes encrusted with jewels over graves, and other non-unitarian jazz. Too bad, Big M ordered everybody to worship the Damien Cube, he was an idolator, which was the problem with Islam all along since it claims to believe in only one God but also worships a man, er, so does Christianity, but it at least tries to rationalize it via the Trinity, pick me a shamrock, call it a copycat clone on the Dark Side of the Force, so of course upstart al-Wahhab was rejected by the majority and kicked around, but he was finally taken under his wing by Muhammad ibn Saud (-1765) in 1740, whose descendants took over Arabia in 1922, turning it into Saudi Arabia. Meanwhile in Apr. 1802 the Wahhabis captured Shiite haven Karabala, Iraq and destroyed the jewel-encrusted dome over the grave of Big Man Husayn, keeping the change, and did ditto with Mecca in 1803, plundering the Khazinat an-Nabawiyya (Prophetic Treasure) and other monuments to Muslim saints, and covering the Cube with two sheets of black cloth called Qailan, which I guess means it's not idolatry anymore. Being health nuts, anybody trying to smoke a hookah was beaten, which was probably too much even for the Ottoman sultans, who ordered the Wahhabis kicked back to the desert. The Ottomans became kaput during WWI with the help of Arab nationalists, including future king (1921-51) Abdullah I bin al-Hussein (1882-1951) of Jordan, with assistance from British lt. col. Thomas Edward Lawrence of Arabia (1888-1935) and Omar Sharif (Michael Demitri Shalhoub) (1932-) (in the movie version), and in 1925 the Muslim Dubyas under King Ibn Saud (1876-1953) took control of Mecca and Medina permanently, and even attempted to demolish the dome of Prophet Muhammad's mosque, declaring the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in 1932 and becoming the Middle East Beverly Hillbillies in 1938 with the discovery of oil, resurrecting the kaput Muslims from the grave and making them world players again. Too bad, the essence of this Puritan movement was that everything Muhammad did was A-OK, especially the killing part, which is why Wahhabis are the backbone of the so-called fundamentalist Muslim terrorist movement. Many times they claim they're not Wahhabis but Salafists (Arabic for salafely sticking to the beliefs of their predecessors, as in the first three generations only), even though it's the same thing, call it disinformation to infidels. To a Wahhabi/Salafist, every Muslim who has adopted any modern belief (since 632 C.E.) is an infidel and a radical, not them, thus the statements made by history ignoramus Pres. George Dubya Bush after 9/11 that Islam is not about fundamentalism or terrorism but is a religion of peace are moose hockey, sorry. Who doesn't believe that the Saudi royal family secretly greased the wheels of 9/11 then covered their greasy tracks, including paying for Bush's oily praises of "good" Muslims? Guess what? After squandering billions of oil dollars on Rolls Royces and fancy palaces, the Saudis finally decided to squander another $10 billion on their all-new King Abdullah University of Science and Technology, which opened in Sept. 2009. Of course, if a Westerner leaves the zoolike compound and wanders around, he/she might get their head lopped off, but then, who would be dumb enough to want to go there in the first place?

Modern Afghanistan was born in 1747 with the Durrani Empire, founded in Kandahar by Sunni Muslim Ahmad Shah Durrani (1723-73), a Pashto-speaking ethnic Pashtun (who claim to be descended from the lost Israeli tribe of Joseph), who united its 60 major tribes and 400+ sub-clans, and invaded India eight times, on the 4th getting lucky and sacking Delhi but failing to topple the Mughals, then stinking himself up on his way back by attacking the Golden Temple of the Sikhs in Amritsar in 1757, filling its sacred pool with the blood of his victims and starting a sick Hatfield-McCoy feud between the sick long-haired Sikhs and the religion of peace Afghans. After his death, don't miss his turquoise-domed mausoleum in Kandahar, the empire shrunk fast, and endurranied only until 1823. In 1826 Dost Mohammed Khan (1793-1863) (another Pashtun) founded the Barakzai Dynasty, which ruled Afghanistan until 1973, when Mohammed Zahir Shah (1914-2007) was ousted in a Soviet-backed coup by his first cousin Mohammed Daoud Khan (1909-78), who was assassinated in the Soviet-backed Saur Revolution in 1978, which set up the Marxist Democratic Republic of Afghanistan, which lasted until 1987, then became the Republic of Afghanistan under Babrak Karmal (1929-96) in 1979-86 and Mohammad Najibullah (1947-96) in 1987-92 until it was toppled by U.S.-backed rebels in 1992, giving the retro Taliban its chance to take over when the U.S. just pulled out and forgot about it. Meanwhile most Afghans didn't give a shit and just wove carpets. Maybe Afghanistan is the great laboratory for Westerners, who still think they can convert Muslims into their way of thinking, first Communism then American-style democracy, at least it's far away and we're not worried about them moving in with us until they give the retro 7th cent. Muslim Allah Akbar crap up.

Not that the West grew up without massive upheavals and revolutions. It took 1300 years after the fall of Rome to get its head right with the American Revolution in 1775-83, a new beginning for humanity that reached back to the ancient Greeks and made use of all the wisdom since, becoming the greatest breakthrough in human liberty ever seen, making the U.S. Da (don't say Great White) Hope of Da World ever since. No Mel, it wasn't a Jewish plot, or if so, they must have made up with the ancient pagan Greeks who liked to exercise naked with their uncircumcised dongs swinging like your Celt ancestors, how'd you get so rich? Some of the great Founding Fathers included George Washington (1732-99), Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), James Madison (1751-1836), John Adams (1735-1826), Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804), Benjamin Franklin (1706-90), and Thomas Paine (1737-1809). Where did the U.S. Founding Fathers get their great ideas? Answer: they were historyscopers. Back then they didn't have the Internet like TLW, so access to historical materials was limited to the wealthy, and only those with great gobs of leisure time could absorb it all, so there these white English dudes were, hanging out in the libraries and studies in their mansions while their slaves supported them. No wonder they had an ambivalent attitude toward slavery, knowing that it was wrong but also not wanting to have to get a day job, but hedging their bets by laying the groundwork for racial equality on paper, while playing it safe and leaving the matter to posterity. Benjamin Franklin was an exception, a self-made man, so no surprise that he finally made peace with his conscience and denounced slavery just before he croaked of ripe old age. Thomas Paine was a radical Freethinker who saw the French Revolution firsthand, and was always living off the income from his sensational writings, so of course he was the most vehement in denouncing slavery, knowing that they'd consider all his ideas kooky but cool enough to read in the loo. They were all ahead of their time, and the rest of the world is still catching up to their sound ideas, the world's main chance. Sorry, there wasn't a Muslim among them, and shouldn't be unless he's a plant.

Too bad, ever since Edward Gibbon (1737-94), whose great work on the decline and fall of the 2200-year Allah-free Roman Empire came out about the time of the American Revolution, and who had the Battle of Vienna and the Ottoman threat safely in the rearview mirror, is that Granada I see or only Asbury Park, there had been a sad trend for Euro thinkers to glamorize distant Islam and Prophet Muhammad, probably as a way to get back at the Roman Catholic Church, which they were fighting to free Euros from the grip of while sweating at the thought of being handed to the Inquisition, so it was like an enemy of my enemy is my friend kind of thing, especially with the English Anglican Church and its spinoffs in the U.S. Here's a couple of typical Gibbon quotes: "The greatest success of Mohammad's life was effected by sheer moral force without the stroke of a sword." "The good sense of Muhammad despised the pomp of royalty. The Apostle of God submitted to the menial offices of the family; he kindled the fire; swept the floor; milked the ewes; and mended with his own hands his shoes and garments. Disdaining the penance and merit of a hermit, he observed without effort of vanity the abstemious diet of an Arab." Right, he avoided pork while porking his 9-year-old wife with his 9 holy inches and massacring and enslaving pagans and Jews who got in his way and churning out Ouija Board music that teaches pure holy hate and murder to mankind, maybe Gibbon didn't get that far in his Islam history studies that were all done in decaying Rome. At least he saw through the Quran, with the soundbyte "In the spirit of enthusiasm or vanity, the prophet rests the truth of his mission on the merit of his book, audaciously challenges both men and angels to imitate the beauties of a single page, and presumes to assert that God alone could dictate this incomparable performance. This argument is most powerfully addressed to a devout Arabian, whose mind is attuned to faith and rapture, whose ear is delighted by the music of sounds, and whose ignorance is incapable of comparing the productions of human genius. The harmony and copiousness of style will not reach, in a version, the European infidel; he will peruse with impatience the endless incoherent rhapsody of fable and precept and declamation, which seldom excites a sentiment or an idea, which sometimes crawls in the dust, and is sometimes lost in the clouds." Not that he started it. The first Euro translation in 1704-17 of the 9th cent. The Thousand and One Nights, by Antoine Galland (1646-1715) about a mean Persian Muslim love machine king who executes each new bed partner after one night until he meets up with Scheherezade, who saves herself by telling him entertaining tales so he will take her tail to bed rather than her head to behead had already romanticized Islam to Westerners, softening them up because they thought all that oppression of women must have been in the distant past, not still being practiced, not that they really wanted to know. In 1731 French writer Comte Henri de Boulainvilliers (1658-1722) published a life of Muhammad that painted him as a wise rational lawgiver who was a forerunner of the Age of Reason, because he claimed that Islam was a natural not revealed religion, I guess he forgot to read the Quran and missed the Dark Cave parts. Actually, the Freethinkers and Rationalists back then were pioneering Bible criticism, and their going theory was that the founders of all religions were basically good guys, but that their followers corrupted their messages and writings in order to foist horrible priesthoods on the people, the worst of course being the Roman Catholic Church, and that it must carry over to Islam whether they could even read the Quran or not, and the 18th cent. Quran translations into Latin, French, Italian, Spanish, German, English etc. were all not only biased against Muhammad, which made them more sure he must really be all right, but since the Quran is really a musical score, it was like translating the lyrics and forgetting the music, like trying to read the lyrics of Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice without seeing the great video starring Christopher Walken, you'll never get it. At least one smart French guy knew that Muhammad sucks in every language because he was an evil fanatic, Voltaire (1694-1778), who wrote the drama Mahomet the Prophet; or, Fanaticism in 1736, but as he was a closet atheist way ahead of his time it may only have backfired on theists and made them want to circle the wagons. Let's face it, none of the Euros back then really knew diddly about the subject, they didn't have the historyscoping power yet, and were just using it as a straw man to promote their own causes.

Too bad, in 1797 after suffering for years and sending negotiators, the U.S. during the John Adams admin. signed the Treaty of Tripoli with the pesky Muslim Barbary pirates of Morocco, Algeria, Tripoli, and Tunis, and the freethinking U.S. emissary Joel Barlow (1754-1812) got cute and imaginatively translated the Arabic version into English, adding the famous Article 11: "As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Mussulmen; and, as the said States never entered into any war, or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties, that no pretext arising from religious opinions, shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries." There actually wasn't an Article 11, but Barlow had been dipping into his Gibbon and thought he'd score one against the Christian Bible-thumpers for his personal friend Tom Paine and set the bar low, but it was the version read to and ratified by the U.S. Senate, setting it back 1200 years and undoing all the work of all Western freethinkers, I hope not, some language in a Senate treaty isn't the same thing as a constitutional amendment. You guessed, it, within months of his inauguration, U.S. Pres. Barack Obama in his June 4, 2009 Cairo Speech cited it to justify calling the U.S. a nation of Muslims, not realizing that the Barbary pirates demanded and got a giant jizya bribe to stop, their emissary quoting the Quran that all nations not acknowledging Sharia were sinners and that it was their right and duty to make war upon them and make slaves of all Yankee prisoners they took, and of course if they are slain in battle they get saved, thank you Jizzus, and go straight to Pair a Dice, roll them dice for my soul I'll take the chances, pass the booty. Obama's predecessor George Washington actually uttered the soundbyte "Would to Heaven we have a navy to reform those enemies to mankind or crush them into nonexistence", and after they demanded more bribes (Allah told them to make it a permanent thing, right?) and were refused, they declared war on the U.S. on May 14, 1801 (you guessed it, Thursday), starting the First Barbary War (1801-5), after which the U.S. under pres. Thomas Jefferson sent the USS Constitution, AKA Old Ironsides to land U.S. Marines on the shores of Tripoli and kick their despicable Muslim butts, as forever enshrined in the Marine Corps Hymn, see the Best of the Dean Martin Variety Show. Oh if we had Washington or Jefferson in the White House now, I'm sure they're both rolling over in their monuments, no wonder Adams wasn't given one, tell us about the Hollywood Triple Play. You guessed it again, in the Cairo speech Obama referred to the fact that big brain Jefferson had a copy of an English translation of the Quran in his giant library to justify his pro-Muslim pep talk (the library Jefferson donated to Congress to start their library), but actually he obtained it only so that as commander in chief he could study the enemy intel to help him win the Barbary War and kill hated Muslims better, not because he was a fan or devotee of it and two steps from converting. In 1804 freethinker Jefferson worked over the Christian gospels, producing the Jefferson Bible by taking scissors and cutting out all the passages portraying Jesus as divine or having supernatural powers, plus any perceived contradictions, absurdities or misinterpretations by the writers, so it's too bad he must have dropped the Quran after the war or else we'd have the Jefferson Quran too, either that or when he got done it was down to a few sentences.

What's really sick is that on-the-make freethinkers, rationalists, atheists and humanists, even Jews seized on the Barlow Article, practically turning it into a new article in the U.S. Constitution, harping on it constantly in the belief that it somehow proves that the U.S. isn't a Christian nation and hence should be an areligious nation, which TLW would be sympathetic to if it weren't for them *!?*! Allah Akbars that they thought would never actually try to move in here or else they might have dropped it and found something else. At its height, Barlowism, as promoted by American Atheist leader Madalyn Murray O'Hair (1919-95) et al. actually portrayed George Washington as a freethinker who was behind an insidious plot to trick Christians into unchaining the U.S. from Christianity like Bill Gates did to IBM with the PC and its open architecture that allowed him to make monkeys of the Big Blue Think men. Meanwhile the real U.S. was founded by a nation of virtually solid Christians, separating church and state only as to the establishment of one Christian sect over another, and Washington never missed a day of church in his life, and prayed on his knees in front of a chair every day with a Bible on it after moving his giant horselike thing from one tight pant leg to another, he wasn't the head of our country for nothing, eh Martha? So what's the real skinny on the Barlow Article? Simple. The U.S. govt. was a new thing in the history of mankind, because it wasn't founded on any religion, but goes back to ancient Greece and its democracy, never mind their religious fables, and thus doesn't have anything in it per se against any religion, including Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, even Islam. But on the other hand the U.S. was founded by a nation of Christians, who obviously wanted to keep it that way, and would love every other nation to adopt their form of govt., but at the same time had a right to be very judicious about mass immigration of people of any other religion, who first have to agree to accept their new form of govt. and its rules and regulations and spirit. Too bad, when it comes to Islam, their Quran demands an intolerant theocratic form of govt. along with the horrible Sharia, thus the U.S. form of govt. can never be accepted by fundamentalist Muslims, sorry, that's what the current war on terrorism is about. The U.S. can deal with Muslim nations on a friendly basis when possible, and form treaties or alliances maybe, but the U.S. itself can never have a Sharia govt., and hence ultimately can't accept mass immigration of Allah Akbars, either they change or they're outa here, sorry, Elvis has left the building.

On Mar. 3, 1815 the U.S. declared the Second Barbary (Algerian) (Algerine) War on Algiers, Tripoli and Tunis and their Ottoman Muslime Barbary pirates, who kept plundering U.S. ships to make up for what they claimed was not enough tribute as promised by the Quran, and scoffed at the nation of shopkeeping Jonathans and Quakers. On May 10 Commodore Stephen Decatur Jr. (1779-1820) sailed from New York with a flotilla of ten ships, seized two Algerian ships in the Mediterranean and then sailed into Algiers harbor, and on June 30 the bey of Algiers capitulated. In July-Aug. Decatur ended the piracy of Tunis and Tripoli, inducing similar treaties, and the pirates stopped collecting tribute from the U.S. and instead paid indemnities. No, they didn't stop to read the Muslim slime their Miranda rights or afford them a civil trial complete with fancy Jewish attorneys. When he returned to the U.S. and was given a banquet, Decatur uttered the famous soundbyte "Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in the right, but our country, right or wrong!" The whole experience caused Pres. Madison to sees the light and "federalize", suddenly wanting a peacetime army and navy as well as a national bank, and even increasing tariffs and internal improvements, causing the Federalist and Republican Parties to reverse roles as the former took up states rights and strict construction, leaving the latter to go abolitionist and win the U.S. Civil War of 1861-5 that ended the U.S. eyesore of Muslim-like slavery, although ironically a lot of Africans taken as slaves were Muslim at the time and purchased from other African Muslims.

Getting back to Gibbon and his glowing depiction of Muhammad and Islam, it took until French philosopher Ernest Renan (1823-92) founded the study of comparative religions that Westerners began to get the real picture of horrible Islam and the bad side of the 1001 Arabian Nights, starting with his soundbyte: "The liberals who defend Islam do not know it. Islam is the complete unity of the spiritual and the temporal, it is the reign of a dogma, it constitutes the heaviest chains which have ever shackled humanity. In the first half of the Middle Ages... Islam put up with philosophy, because it could not do away with it; it could not do away with it because it lacked cohesion and was little equipped to use terror... But when Islam found that it could depend on masses of ardent believers, then it destroyed everything. Islam was liberal when it was weak, and violent when it was strong." Another good one: "The moment a Muslim child is religiously initiated ,suddenly it becomes stubbornly fanatic, full of silly pride in possessing the until then undisclosed revelation which it firmly holds to be the ultimate absolute truth, full of happiness - as if it was a unique privilege - in adoring exactly that which constitutes its inferiority and mental degradation." A hug from me and a check for one million infidels.

After 1683 the horrible Ottoman Empire, spawn of Satan was effectively qurantined, er, quarantined as a criminal enterprise, and fell more and more behind the West, causing Orthodox Christian Russian tsar (1825-55) Nicholas I (1796-1855) to call it "the sick man of Europe". The 19th cent. saw Britain expand worldwide via its navy, creating "the empire on which the Sun never sets" under Anglican Christian queen (1837-1901) Victoria (1819-1901). As Christian nations Britain, Russia, Austria, Germany, and the U.S. became new giant kids on the world block, the Ottoman Empire began to fracture as its former vassals revolted, starting with Greece in 1821-9, Romania in 1859, and Bulgaria in 1876-8, contracting around Turkey, which became a poor backward hellhole filled with hookah-smoking pashas, slaves and buggers, all headed straight Muhammad's paradise of Hell. Meanwhile, although there are no Muslims left in Europe, the British and French began invading Muslim lands, and in 1830 the French colonized Athens, and in 1839 the British colonized Aden. Too bad, the superior Christian White is Right British Empire stunk itself up in India in 1857 with the Sepoy Revolt, which they started by forcing Muslim soldiers to use new paper cartridges that were greased with pig fat and had to be bitten off, violating their halal food code, and compounded by a false story about a Black Hole of Calcutta set up by the Nawab of Bengal on June 19, 1756, which was to say the least exaggerated. Of course after atrocities on both sides the Brits won, and ruled India with a mean iron hand, their White Man's Burden and all that rot, pip pip, bloody bloody. Meanwhile English biologist Charles Robert Darwin (1809-82) published his shocking book "The Origin of Species" in 1859, causing an intellectual and social upheaval in the West as people began to realize that all revealed religion, Jewish, Christian, and Muslim is moose hockey since God didn't create man in the Garden of Eden or anything else, he evolved from apes and trilobites, a wait till later I'll give you the details but throw off religion now kind of thing. Too bad, the new Darwinian survival of the fittest rulers threw the baby out with the bathwater and dumped the entire Judaeo-Christian moral code, ruining the world with two horrible world wars and setting it back maybe 50 years while leaving the Muslim world basically untouched, allowing it to plan a retro comeback while gloating that even their horrible cruel Ottoman sultans weren't as bad as Stalin, Mao or Hitler, probably because they believed in some kind of God.

In 1798 budding French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) decided to conquer the Ottoman Empire, starting with Egypt, taking along a bunch of Orientalist scholars from his Insitut d'Egypte, with the goal of cutting off British access to India, telling the Egyptian crowd in Alexandria "We are the true Muslims" and trying to sell them on being a fan of Muhammad. Too bad, they didn't buy it and got hostile, and the British and Turks kicked him back to Europe in 1801. At least some of his men discovered the Rosetta Stone, allowing ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics to finally be decoded. In 1811 Egypt under Albanian import Pasha Mehmet (Muhammad) Ali (1769-1849) threw off the Mamluks, establishing a dynasty that ruled until 1952. He did it by inviting the Mamluk leaders to a banquet in Cairo, then having them murdered and sending his army to rout their forces, after which he tried to establish his own empire on the decaying remains of the Ottoman one, modernizing and Westernizing Egypt and nationalizing and confiscating as much land as he could from farmers while building armaments factories and a navy. In 1812 he captured the Hejaz, turning the Saudis against him, which he took care of by capturing family head Abdullah ibn Saud and executing him. In 1820 he began taking over Sudan, using it as a base to capture Nubian slaves and expand towards Ethiopia and Uganda, founding the city of Khartoum (Arabic for elephant's trunk) in 1823 at the junction of the Blue and White Nile Rivers. Too bad, he got too big for his britches and agreed to help the sultan crush the Greek revolt in return for a gift of Crete, and after his son Ibrahim Pasha (1789-1848) stunk himself up in the Peloponnese since 1825 with horrible Allah-pleasing atrocities, his navy, commanded by an Ottoman admiral was sunk by the Europeans (British, French and Russians) on Oct. 20, 1827 at the naval Battle of Navarino Bay in Pylos, Greece, causing him to build another and try to take Syria and the Levant from the Ottomans in 1831 (they owed him, right?), and in 1838 he declared complete independence, but Britain, Austria-Hungary, Prussia and Russia intervened to force him to give up Syria and Crete in 1840 in return for recognizing his right to hereditary rule over Egypt and Sudan while remaining an Ottoman vassal. At least he wasn't into jihad against the West but just wanted to enjoy his gains. Back then the West was smart about Islam and saw their chance to divide and conquer, and started to work on Egypt by offering them the old Trojan Horse, the Suez Canal, which opened in 1869, halving the journey time between naval superpower Britain and India, and no surprise, in 1882 partially-Westernized Egypt was stolen away from the Ottoman Empire by Britain, becoming a British protectorate at the start of WWI in 1914. This was just another step toward Ottoman collapse, yawn, where's my ottoman. By the way, after pogroms in Europe and the opening of the Suez Canal attracted them, the Jewish pop. of Egypt was 75K-80K by the end of WWI, but by 2004 it was down to less than 100. Meanwhile in 1898 the French and British took over Sudan, and in 1912 Italy took over Libya, while France took over Morocco, placating them by promising them their independence after the Ottoman Empire was overthrown, while treating Islam as a contemptible superstition and giving Christian missionaries a free hand to try educating them out of it, which was a mixed bag.

Let's be honest, by the late 19th century the awesome power of the rich technologically advanced West over the backward poverty-stricken Muslim world was overwhelming, causing the former Allah Akbars even in the Sharia areas to put on the harmless religion of peace act as a form of survival, which was too bad, since if the Western powers hadn't chewed each other up over the Old Order, Communism, racism and the Jews, they could have ended Islam's existence by military means, taking the children and women away from the men to end the cycle and bring up a new generation free of Allah, with nobody caring about some Jews moving into Israel anymore, perhaps avoiding both WWI and WWI and all the megadeaths. Instead, the Muslim world got to lie low and chunk in the change for its oil, and as the 20th century ended it began to show its real goal of getting nukes and, er, forget it, I'm hallucinating again, I better paddle myself. Meanwhile the mainly non-violent 1919 Egyptian Revolution against the British resulted in limited independence in 1922, encouraging the mainly non-violent Indian independence movement led by Mohandas Gandhi, but since they're Hindus not Muslims I'll only mention it, moo moo oink oink. It took another 20 years and a wee bit of violence to get the Anglo-Egyptian Treaty of 1936, where the Brits agreed to pull all their troops out of Egypt, while maintaining those guarding the Suez Canal for another 20 years.

So Islam was only badass in the distant past, this is the 20th century, and now it's a religion of love and peace? Puleese. During World War I, while the world was looking the other way, Ottoman Turkey showed the world that Islam as a govt. power doesn't deserve to survive the 21st century by its Armenian Genocide starting Apr. 24, 1915, when it began arresting, raping, massacring, and uprooting Christian Armenians from their homes, forcing the survivors to march hundreds of miles without food and water through Turkey to the barren deserts of Syria, killing 1M to 1.5M by 1918, all because they weren't Muslims, and were considered to be working for Christian Russia, after which the Ottoman and later Turkish govts. stunk itself up even more by denying it while working to keep their own citizens history ignoramuses about it. This would likely be the fate of any European govt. that let enough Muslims immigrate that they could take over the govt. and become the majority, staring us right in the history ignoramus faces, so study it well for your own survival and that of your grandkids.

Skipping ahead, after the increasingly atheist post-Christian West passed them up in every category of civilization, WWI knocked the stuffing out of the decrepit backward Medieval-throwback turkey Ottoman Empire, which the Allies led by Britain carved up into smaller pieces that were carefully balanced to prevent them from reuniting or tearing each other up, while falsely considering Islam to be dead and the Quran to be for public display purposes only as their infidel Western civilization had clearly proven itself superior and all they had to do was educate them into denying all its clear commands to finish what it started in the 7th century, or at least convince them the time limit had elapsed. Not that they wanted to convert Muslims to Christianity, since the rise of Darwinism had made the govts. agnostic or atheist and secular, worshipping Science as their god. No surprise, a new kind of pro-Western Muslim arose, the secular kind, led by Mustafa Kemal Ataturk (1881-1938), who helped overthrow the Ottoman sultanate and found the Republic of Turkey, on Oct. 29, 1923, becoming pres. #1 until 1938. For once a large group of Muslims tried to throw off the retro Muhammad-era crap, including the veil, sexism, Medieval Muslim garb, Sharia and Allahu Akbar crap, along with the silly religious superstition rampant in the Quran and other Muslim literature, uttering the Aug. 30, 1925 soundbyte "In the face of knowledge, Science, and of the whole extent of radiant civilization, I cannot accept the presence in Turkey's civilized community of people primitive enough to seek material and spiritual benefits in the guidance of sheiks. The Turkish Republic cannot be a country of sheiks, dervishes, and disciples. The best, the truest order is the order of civilization. To be a man it is enough to carry out the requirements of civilization." Then, with the soundbyte "The religion of Islam will be elevated if it will cease to be a political instrument", on Mar. 2-3, 1924 Attaboy ended the horrible blood-soaked Muslim Caliphate (line of miltary-religious rulers tracing back to Muhammad in 632 C.E. who claimed to head Sunni Islam), attaboy Mustafa, maybe there is room for Islam on Planet Earth. For your next appearance on "Jeopardy!", the last caliph was Abdul Mejid (Abdulmecid) II (1868-1944), who reigned from Nov. 19, 1922 to Mar. 3, 1924, what a turkey. Happy ending, case closed? Hardly. While it's hard to underestimate the impact of secular Islam, and the jury is still out on whether it will prevail or be swallowed up in fundamentalist Sharia, it set the hardcore blood-loving fundamentalist throwback extremists (the great majority) back, and even though they could still read what the Quran commands them to do, and didn't see any time limit set by Allah, most laid low and only grumbled, taking decades to regroup and come out, like the Terminator they never ever gave up, they'll be baaack, you can count on it, eat your pineapples, munch on your eggplants, your day will come, infidels. In his Oct. 7, 2001 video the new extremist fundamentalist Wahhabi Robin Hood (emphasis on hood) Crackalackin Bad Mouthin, er, Osama bin Laden (1957-) called the lack of a caliphate a "humiliation and disgrace", which is no wonder, because ever since 1924 no Muslim has been quite sure if they had the right to call for a yummy jihad (the #1 power of the caliph) to throw Muslim sheriffs back at the West like madass Terminators, like he already did, guess who he thinks should be the caliph?

In Iran the secularists made their move also, under Mohammad Reza Pahlavi (1878-1944), who became shah (emperor) of Iran on Dec. 15, 1925, backing the Western Allies against the Communist Bloc while running a no-frills police state. After the British and and their temporary Soviet allies invaded on Sept. 16, 1941, he abdicated in favor of his son Mohammad Reza Pahlavi II (1919-80), who became the 2nd and last shah, fleeing to exile on Feb. 11, 1979.

Hold my gut in while I do this paragraph. In Mar. 1928 after getting pissed off at "the wave of atheism and lewdness engulfing Egypt" after WWI, and how the infidel Euros had "imported their half-naked women into these regions, together with their liquor, theaters and dance halls and amusements, stories and newspapers and novels, whims and silly games, along with their vices", Egyptian schoolteacher Hassan al-Banna (1906-49) and six Suez Canal Co. workers founded the first modern er, Sunni fundamentalist movement, the Muslim Brotherhood (al-Ikhwan a-Muslimun), launching the Islamic radicalism movement that is so much fun today. The HQ was moved from Ismailia to Cairo in 1932, becoming openly anti-British and anti-Zionist, then going violent by the 1940s, his eyes were huge, did you see the smile? Meanwhile the growing Zionist Movement among world Jewry to reestablish their old Jewish homeland in Palestine was fought tooth-and-nail by the Muslim Grand Mufti of Jerusalem (1921-48) Mohammad Amin al-Husayni (al-Husseini) (1895-1974), who finally lost after getting friendly with Adolf Hitler and then seeing him get his can kicked in WWII, leaving him looking like an idiot to the U.S. and U.N.

Speaking of Muslims being friendly with Hitler, they also got friendly with American blacks, and in July 1930 the Nation of Islam was founded in Detroit, Mich. by Wallace Dodd Fard Muhammad (1893-?) (a New Zealander of half-Indian descent?) with the stated goal of resurrecting the spiritual, mental, social and economic condition of American blacks, claiming that they were history ignoramuses about their true African history, which was Muslim, and that they are the lost ancient tribe of Shabazz that goes back 66 trillion years, and that a renegade black scientist named Yakub on the island of Patmos created the pesky white race 6K years ago as a test for the black master race, who are a divine race created by Allah. After he mysteriously disappeared, Elijah Muhammad (Elijah Poole) (1897-1975) took over, promoting golden boy Malcolm X (Malcolm Little) (1925-65), who fell out with him and was assassinated by Black Muslims after converting world heavyweight champion boxer Cassius Clay, who took the Muslim name Muhammad Ali (1942-) and tested the U.S. military by claiming to be a conscientious objector, after which in 1977 Harlem Mosque head (since 1965) Louis Farrakhan (Louis Eugene Walcott) (1933-) bolted from the Nation of Islam and founded his own movement, becoming notorious for soundbytes against the Jews and in praise of Adolf Hitler. Meanwhile in 1972 former Muslim and black nationalist Jeremiah Alvesta Wright Jr. (1941-) became pastor of the black "mega-church" Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, Ill., preaching a crypto-racist mix of Christianity and Islam, claiming along with Farrakhan that Christ was a Muslim hence all Christians should be Muslims. In 1985 future U.S. president Barack Obama began attending his church, was baptized a Christian by him in 1988, adopted his slogan "the audacity of hope", then repudiated him in 2008 while running for president after several disturbing remarks he had made were dug up by the media and Obama claimed ignorance or amnesia. Meanwhile Black Panther Party leader H. Rap Brown (Hubert Gerold Brown) (1943-), known for the soundbytes "Violence is American as cherry pie" and "If America don't come around we're gonna burn it down" converted to the Nation of Islam in prison in the 1970s, taking the name Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin, and calling for a separatist Islamic state in America ever since, making news when on Oct. 25, 2009 an Islamic halal slaughterhouse in Kinsman, Ill. was raided by the FBI and linked to him in the Florence, Colo. Supermax prison.

On Jan. 6, 1941 U.S. Democratic president #32 (1933-45) Franklin Delano Roosevelt ("rose field") (1882-1945) gave his Four Freedoms Speech, defining four basic freedoms which all humans throughout the world ought to enjoy: freedom of speech and expression, freedom of worship and religion, freedom from want, and freedom from fear. Too bad, his successors who permitted mass Muslim immigration must have never read either that or the Quran, whose god Allah teaches all true believers to inculcate fear and destroy all governments resisting Sharia while killing all who resist, then clamp down on freedom of worship and religion by every device short of outright murder, and that too if they can justify it as execution for disturbing the peace. I guess that Muslims who have their heads in the 7th century will always be torn apart and have to decide which century they want to live in, not. They have no choice, if they want to remain Muslims, sorry, the Quran isn't written in disappearing ink and isn't for display purposes only no matter how much Westerners wish it to be. So, just as Mankind's Greatest Hope, the United States of America became the #1 world power, it had the vision and everything, but alas, it didn't have the will to impose it on the world or keep its own homeland safe, so maybe one day the people of the U.S. will look back at the big missed opportunity while dodging jihadist attacks in all 50 states, where's my rose-colored glasses.

To jump ahead again, WWII knocked the stuffing out of the decrepit British Empire and German Third Reich, and the history ignoramus United States of America became the Cock of the Walk, Top Gun and World Policeman, supervising the U.N.-sanctioned creation of the Jewish State of Israel in 1948 (maybe they're the real Terminators who never give up and now are baaack?), which pissed off all Muslims of the Middle East bigtime, causing a ceaseless struggle to boot them into the sea. Too bad, the nasty Nazis did horrible things to the Jews in the Jewish Holocaust, killing hundreds of thousands to millions of them, depending on whom you talk to, causing a lot of them to give up belief in their god Jehovah while swearing the slogan "Never Again!", while giving many happy Muslims a new reason to believe in Allah, whom they thought was judging them, only to see the Holocaust used as the main reason to found Israel, making many deny that there was a Holocaust, while Germany made Holocaust denial a crime. Meanwhile in Iran after WWII, Fadayan-e (Fada'iyan-e) Islam (freedom fighters for Islam) was founded by theology student Navab (Navvab) Safavi (1924-55) to fight for Sharia and kill apostates and enemies of Islam. After staging several assassinations, it was suppressed in 1956 and the leading members executed, but continued on under the leadership of Ayatollah Khomeini, here come Santa Claus, here come Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane.

Meanwhile on Aug. 14, 1947 the Muslim state of Pakistan split off from India, which gained its independence from Britain on Aug. 15, and they both went on to detonate their first nukes two days apart on May 18 and May 20, 1974, making the world way more dangerous. The idea of getting their hands on nukes and using them to kill infidels by the millions must have occurred to hardcore Allahu Akbars by now, so let's say the stakes were raised. Now that his pacificist movement worked and got India their independence, and Pakistan rode the wave, it's no surprise that on Jan. 30, 1948 a Muslim finally did what no Brit would do and assassinated Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (b. 1869) in New Delhi. Fooled ya, it was a Hindu, who was pissed off at Gandhi's attempts to stick up for Muslims, guess what I think about mass Hindu immigration to the West.

On Aug. 19, 1953 the U.S. stunk itself a bit by sending the CIA in at the request of the British to topple Iranian nationalist PM (since 1951) Mohammed Mossadegh (1882-1967) after he nationalized the Anglo-Iranian Oil Co., turning him to a Muslim hero, although he was a secularist and the Muslim clerics didn't like him anyway. The 1952 Egyptian Revolution saw the Egyptians throw the British troops out of the Suez Canal in 1954, leading to the rise of nationalistic Muslim Egyptian pres. #2 (1956-70) Gamal ("camel") Abdel ("servant of") Nasser ("protector") (1918-70), who decided to play the Soviet Union and the U.S. off against each other in favor of the "Third World", you gotta admit that Egypt had a legitimate beef with the decrepit British empire that had long kept them down, and nationalized the Suez Canal on July 26, 1956, drawing Egypt into the Suez Crisis, causing Britain, France and Israel to invade and kick Egypt's butt until U.S. Republican pres. #34 (1953-61) Dwight David "Ike" Eisenhower ("iron hewer") (1890-1969) got pissed off and made them withdraw after the canal was reopened on Apr. 8, 1957. Meanwhile on Jan. 5, 1957 Ike proclaimed the Great White Father Eisenhower Doctrine of protecting Middle Eastern countries from Soviet Communism, which he considered a greater threat than Islam at that time. Of course the Soviet Union was dissolved in 1991 after it got its butt kicked by the Taliban in Afghanistan, led by Osama you know who, leaving him free to concentrate on the stupid U.S. that thought it was allied with him. But I'm getting ahead again.

On June 5-10, 1967 the giant U.S.-backed Israeli V in the Six-Day War destroyed the prestige of Nasser and his Pan-Arab movement, causing Quran-thumpers to get more leeway, and no surprise, after finding that they couldn't take out Israel in a head-on fight, Muslim extremists led by Palestinian Arab wingnut Yasser ("wealthy") Arafat (1929-2004) of the Palestinian Liberation Organization (PLO) began to arise, who resorted to sick disgusting terrorism, obscenely taking Israeli hostages in the 1972 Munich Summer Olympics (slapping Alexander the Great and his Olympic champion Greeks in the face, not to mention the gratuitous insult to Charlemagne), terrorizing half the world because they can't accept the existence of Jews in their own homeland that doesn't go near as far back in time as theirs. Meanwhile the rest of the oil-rich Ummah (world community of Muslim nation states) tried to put on a more conservative act, founding the Organization of the Islamic Conference in Rabat in 1969, growing to 57 nations by 2009, their own little U.N.. Its flag is green (Islam's color, maybe indicating the color of rotten corpses), with a red (as in blood) crescent Moon in a white (as in ashes) disc with the legend, I bet you can't guess, Allahu Akbar, like Uma Thurman (1970-) in the Kill Bill movies. To keep their act going pat, on Aug. 5, 1990 they adopted the Cairo Declaration on Human Rights in Islam, which applies only to Muslims subject to Sharia, which means rights only for male supremacist pedophile infidel-killers, like since the beginning.

Not that the PLO is really serious about a longterm separate Palestinian state. The real goal is to end the state of Israel and bring Sharia to the entire region. Too bad, ever since the original U.N. Resolution 181 on Nov. 29, 1947 that called for the creation of side-by-side Jewish and Arab states, Israel's backer the U.S. has waffled about a Palestinian state. Actually, there really isn't such a thing as a Palestinian, it's a political term only. To quote Palestinian leader Zuhair (Zuheir) Mohsen (1936-79) in Mar. 1977 in an interview with the Dutch newspaper "Trouw": "The Palestinian people does not exist. The creation of a Palestinian state is only a means for continuing our struggle against the state of Israel for our Arab unity. In reality today there is no difference between Jordanians, Palestinians, Syrians and Lebanese. Only for political and tactical reasons do we speak today about the existence of a Palestinian people, since Arab national interests demand that we posit the existence of a distinct Palestinian people to oppose Zionism. For tactical reasons, Jordan, which is a sovereign state with defined borders, cannot raise claims to Haifa and Jaffa, while as a Palestinian, I can undoubtedly demand Haifa, Jaffa, Beer-Sheba and Jerusalem. However, the moment we reclaim our right to all of Palestine, we will not wait even a minute to unite Palestine and Jordan."

In 1969 Muslim fundamentalist nutcase, er, they all are, let's just say Muslim fundamentalist Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi (1942-) took over Libya, publishing a Little Green Book imitating Mao Tse-Tung, combining Socialism, Third Worldism and Muslim fundamentalism, calling it "heroic politics" and a "Third Universal Theory", while supplying the PLO with arms and money and sending troops to fight for Ugandan cannibal dictator Idi Amin, and unsuccessfully trying to merge Libya with Syria in 1980 and with Chad in 1981, then finally getting a union treaty with Morocco in 1984. "The existence of Gaddafi is closely related to the historical development of humanity itself" - Col. Gaddafi. In 1973 Daffy nationalized U.S. assets in Libya, and claimed the tuna-rich 62-mi.-deep Gulf of Sidra (Sirte) (32 deg. 30 min. N) as Libya's territorial limit, warning that anybody who crosses it will be crossing the "line of death", despite U.S. recognition of only a 12-mi. limit, and even threatened to torpedo the Queen Elizabeth II. In 1986 he got in a war with the U.S. under Islam history ignoramus Republican pres. #40 (1981-89) Ronald Wilson Reagan (1911-2004), and on Apr. 5, 1986 the La Belle Disco in Berlin was bombed, and two U.S. servicemen are killed, causing Reagan on Apr. 8 to call him "the mad dog of the Middle East", showing the George Washington spirit by retailiating on Apr. 14-15 (supported by Britain) with Operation El Dorado Canyon, bombing five terrorist sites in Libya, including Gaddafi's home, killing his 4-y.-o. daughter but missing his 14-y.-o. little sword son (heir?) Saif al-Islam ("sword of Islam") al-Gaddafi (1972-), after which Mr. Right of Libya accused the U.S. of being a "pirate", and claimed that 37 people, mostly civilians were killed. Excuse me, weren't pirates what Libya and its neighbor states used to be for real? Back then, history ignoramuses Westerners could only scratch their heads at his mad antics, but now they're easily seen to be nothing but obedience to the 1400-year-old commands of Allah in the Quran, including the crass horrible murder of 243 passengers and 16 crew of Pan Am Flight 103 on Dec. 21, 1988 over Lockerbie in S Scotland, along with 11 on the ground, for a total of 270 Paradise Points for some lucky Quran-thumpers, including Libyan true believer Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi (1952-), who was given a slap on the wrist of life in prison instead of execution, then unbelievably released on Aug. 20, 2009 to a hero's welcome by Daffy and his Ducks. Unbelievably, after 9/11 he tricked U.S. pres. George W. Bush into taking him off his Axis of Evil countries list (Iran, Iraq, North Korea) in Jan. 2002, and even into getting aid, even reciprocating in Jan. 2005 by granting exploration concessions to U.S. oil companies, which he all blew with his honest big mouth.

Speaking of Arab unity, on Oct. 6-26, 1973 the Yom Kippur (Ramadan) (October) (Fourth Arab-Israeli) War saw Israeli surprise-attacked by Egypt, Syria and a coalition of Arab states on the holiest day in Judaism. After four days, the Egyptians who crossed the Suez Canal bogged down, and with emergency U.S. help the Israelis counterattacked and crossed the canal themselves. Meanwhile a Syrian attack on the Golan Heights was also pushed back. The fallout led to Egypt leaving the Soviet sphere of influence and normalizing relations with Israel in the Camp David Accords, signed on Sept. 17, 1978 by Israeli PM #6 (1977-83) Menachem Begin (1913-92) and Egyptian pres. #3 (1970-81) Anwar El Sadat (1918-81) after negotiations with U.S. Democratic pres. #39 (1977-81) James Earl "Jimmy" Carter (1924-).

In the U.S. the religion of peace's bad side started showing slowly but surely. On Mar. 9, 1977 the Hanafi Muslim Siege began when 12 Black Muslim extremists of the Hanafi Movement (splinter group from the Nation of Islam), led by founder (1968) Khalifa Hamaas Abdul Khaalis (Ernest 2X McGee) (-2003) invaded the city hall, B'nai B'rith HQ, and Islamic Center in Washington, D.C. in protest of the airing of the 1976 Moustapha Akkad film Mohammed, Messenger of God, (AKA The Message), starring Anthony Quinn as Hamza not Big PMS, which they obviously didn't see, and mistakenly believed broke the taboo about showing their prince of darkness prophet on film, taking 149 hostages, killing radio reporter Maurice Williams and police officer Mack Cantrell, wounding future mayor Marion Barry, and holding the hostages for two days Allah Akbaring like blazing saddles cowboys on beans, also demanding that a group of men convicted of killing their relatives be handed over so they could execute them, murder, it's the Muslim's Hershey Bar, pure delight. The siege ended on Mar. 11 after ambassadors from three Islamic nations joined the negotiations, and they were convicted on July 23 and given 21-120 year sentences. At least the affair caused govt. building security to be tightened. Later, the 2009 film 2012 carefully backed down about a scene showing Mecca being destroyed to avoid a repeat, substituting Rome, find words nobody else does and you win the Sword of Allah.

But the secular dominance of the Ummah was steadily weakening to the Kill Bills. In 1979 the U.S.-backed semi-secular regime of the shah of Iran was toppled by fundamentalist Shiite Muslims led by Ayatollah ("sign of Allah") Ruhollah ("spirit of Allah") Khomeini (1902-89), who in a speech on Nov. 5, 1979 called the U.S. the Great Satan, the day after his men crashed into the U.S. embassy in Tehran and started the Iran Hostage Crisis, holding 53 Americans hostage for 444 days until Jan. 20, 1981, energizing a new undeclared jihad complete with a Public Enemy #1, the U.S. Meanwhile the Soviet Union got too big for its britches and thought it saw its chance with the U.S. pinned down in Iran, and tried to set up an atheistic Communist regime in Afghanistan, invading on Dec. 24, 1979 to support a puppet govt., only to find out about Islam as the Mujahideen, backed by Muslim nations Saudi Arabia, Pakistan et al. resisted them in the mountains, getting U.S. backing since they still thought Ike was pres., starting the Soviet-Afghan War, and finally throwing the Soviets out after 9 years on Feb. 15, 1989, giving them their own Vietnam. Too bad, the U.S. then dropped Afghanistan like old newsprint, giving the fundamentalists a free hand as the country wallowed in poverty and misery.

On May 13, 1981 the religion of peace was baaack, and it tried to assassinate Polish-born Pope (1978-2005) John Paul II (1920-2005) right in St. Peter's Square via its Sword of Islam Mehmet Ali Agca (1958-) (Mehmet Ali, Muhammad Ali, they're always the greatest) who might have been put up to it by the Commie Bulgarians but had his own reasons, right? Too bad, he messed it up, and was forgiven by the pope Christ-style, wow you're about to get soaking wet, too bad Muslims don't ever forgive, they just keep trying to score points with unforgiving Allah for the paradise prize.

In 1982 after the Israeli army invaded Lebanon to go after the pesky PLO, the Shiites set up their own fundamentalist terrorist resistance movement called Hezbollah ("party of God"), calling for the destruction of Israel. In 1992 Hassan Nasrallah (1960-) became the leader, uttering the soundbytes "There is no solution to the conflict in this region except with the disapearance of Israel", "Death to Israel", and "What do the Jews want? They want security and money. Throughout history the Jews have been Allah's most cowardly and avaricious creatures. If you look all over the world, you will find no one more miserly or greedy than they are." In Dec. 2009 Nasrallah released a new Hezbollah Manifesto, containing the soundbyte that U.S. backing for Israel "places the American administration in the position of the enemy of our nation and our peoples." Their relationship with Osama bin Laden's Sunni al-Qaida (al-Qaeda) ("the base") terrorist organization is like Cadillac Crossover, their common goal of throwing Israel into the sea making it okay to cooperate temporarily, after which they can go back to chewing each other up sans pesky Jews and Crusaders. Since the U.S. backs Israel, both wouldn't mind nuking it either. Since Shiite Iran supports Hezbollah, it's also friendly with al-Qaida, for the time being, turn all carpets into new with the Rug Doctor. Meanwhile in 1987-93 the First Intifada ("shaking off") by Palestinians against Israeli rule of the Palestinian Territories began in the Jabalia refugee camp and spread throughout Gaza, the West Bank and Jerusalem, featuring 3.6K Molotov cocktail, 100 hand grenade, and 600 gun or explosive assaults on Israeli forces, killing 160 Israelis and 2.1K Palestinians, half of the latter killed by their own people as alleged collaborators. In 1987 blind paraplegic Sheikh Ahmed Ismail Hassan Yassin (1937-2004) and pediatrician-geneticist Dr. Abdel Aziz al-Rantissi (1947-2004) founded Hamas (Harakat al-Muqawamat al-Islamiyyah) (Islamic Resistance Movement), a Palestinian terrorist and social welfare org. operating out of the Gaza Strip and the West Bank. Al-Rantissi is known for the soundbyte "We will kill Jews everywhere. There will be no security for any Jews, those who came from America, Russia or anywhere". He also denied the Jewish Holocaust. Both were assassinated in Mar.-Apr., 2004 by the Israelis, ending the Second (Al-Aqsa) Intifada, which began in Sept. 2000, killing 1K Israelis and 5.5K Palestinians.

In 1988 Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa calling for the death of Indian Muslim novelist Salman ("safety") Rushdie (1947-) just for publishing a novel that he felt insulted Prophet Muhammad, the world being his oyster apparently, showing us that until the snake of Islam is scotched no spot on Earth will ever be safe for freedom of thought and expression. Too bad, the message was largely lost on the history ignoramus West as Salmon Rush and Die fled to safety in Britain and eventually got the fatwa lifted and even got knighted, sending the reverse message that Britain is the place for all Muslims to be. That fact that France coddled Khomeini for years until he returned to Iran is in retrospect even worse. Now that the Medieval throwback Saracens are moving into Amsterdam and London with a 1400-year gap in mental development, whadya gonna do without Ghostbusters? The novel is The Satanic Verses, named after Sura 53 Al-Najm ("the stars") Verses 19-22, where Muhammad is fighting the Quraysh tribe and losing, and wavers in his monotheism, commanding his followers to pray to "Allah's three daughters" al-Lat, al-Uzza, and Manat ("fate"), each of which has their own shrine in Mecca, with the soundbyte "These are the exalted cranes whose intercession is to be hoped for." Later, he claimed he was tricked by the Devil, and changed them, causing these verses to be called the Satanic Verses.

Warm Pillsbury cookies made with gooey Hershey's kisses. On Nov. 5, 1990 American Jewish Defense League founder rabbi Meir David Kahane (b. 1932) was assassinated in a Marriott Hotel in Manhattan, N.Y. by Egyptian-born American Muslim El Sayyid Nosair (1955-), which many Jews consider as the beginning of the al-Qaida anti-U.S. jihad. After a trial in which he drew sketches of Princess Diana, Nosair, whose defense by prominent Jewish ACLU Chicago Seven atty. William Moses Kunstler (1919-95) was financed by Osama bin Laden was acquitted in Dec. 1991 of murder, but convicted of assault and possession of an illegal firearm, causing Muslims to dance in the streets, and judge Alvin Schlesinger to say "I believe the defendant conducted a rape of this country, of our Constitution and of our laws, and of people seeking to exist peacefully together", wait till he sees what American Muslims do in the 21st century. After receiving a light sentence of 7-22 years, Nosair later got life plus 15 years in connection with an investigation of Egyptian "Blind Sheik" Omar Abdel-Rahman (1938-) in connection with the 1993 World Trade Center Bombing (financed by Khaled Sheikh Mohammed) on Feb. 26, 1993, in which a 1.5K lb. car bomb in the basement of the North Tower killed six and injured 1,042, hooray for Allah, and the Luxor Massacre on Nov. 17, 1997 in Egypt, which killed 63 and injured 26 and ruined the Egyptian tourist trade, although it did turn the Egyptian people against Muslim terrorism (until ?). Nosair was trained by Egyptian-born Ali Mohamed (1952-) (AKA "al-Amriki", the American), a Muslim double-agent who moled into the U.S. special forces than helped train al-Qaida fighters and was later convicted in the Aug. 7, 1998 bombings of U.S. embassies in Nairobi and Dar es Salaam. Guess what, there's plenty more double-agents in the U.S. military now, call me psychic. But I'm not biased, there's tens of thousands, er, thousands, er, hundreds, er, one Muslim who willingly died to defend the U.S. On Aug. 6, 2007 U.S. Army Cpl. Kareem Rashad Sultan (b. 1987), who joined to prove that not all Muslims are fanatics was killed by an IED in Baqubah, Iraq, and was buried in Arlington Nat. Cemetery after being awarded a Purple Heart and Bronze Star, becoming the first Muslim to die in combat for the U.S. You guessed it, Islam history ignoramus U.S. secretary of state Colin Powell later singled him out for praise in his Oct. 19, 2008 endorsement speech of Barack Obama, dissing rumors that Obama's a secret Muslim with the soundbyte "Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in America?... Is there something wrong with some 7-y.-o. Muslim-American kid believing that he could be president?" Yes, how about the Quran and a 1400-year horror show track record?

In Apr. 1991 after offering the services of his Afghani mujahadeen fighters to Saudi regent Abdullah against Sadam Hussein, only to have him accept 500K U.S. troops instead, Osama bin Laden called the Saudi govt. traitors and fled, moving to Pakistan, then to Sudan (until 1996). Meanwhile after returning from Afghanistan where he fought against the Soviets alongside Osama bin Laden, who gave him seed money, Abdurajak Abubakar Janjalani (1959-98) formed the militant Islamist Abu Sayyaf (Arab. "bearers of the sword of Islam") (AKA al-Harakat al-Islamiyya) group in the S Philippines, carrying out terrorist operations to create an independent Islamic province from the Roman Catholic Philippines, until Janjalani was killed in a shootout in 1998, after which his men degenerated into a general guerrilla gang, having fun with kidnapping for ransom, rape, torture, and beheadings, all thanks to Osama Appleseed. Not that they're the only radical separatist guerrilla group in the S Philippines, there's also the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, formed in 1981, non-Muslim immigrants need not apply. In 1994 poorly-educated 1-eyed Mullah Mohammed Omar (1959-) formed the ironically-named Muslim Sunni fundamentalist Taliban ("student", "seeker of knowledge") movement in Afghanistan with recruits from the 40-million-member Pashtun tribal group, which took over the country from 1996-2001, restoring horrible female-oppressing Sharia until the U.S. and NATO removed them from power, launching the NATO-Afghanistan War on Oct. 7, 2001 under the pretext that they refused to hand over Osama bin Laden, kicking them out of Kabul on Nov. 12, followed by Kandahar in early Dec. Too bad, the Taliban seemed to be losing until the last days of the George W. Bush admin., them seemed to be winning in the early days of the Obama admin. Before being kicked out, Mad Mullah Omar stunk himself up by doing a Mahmud of Ghazni act and ordering the destruction on Mar. 21, 2001 of the 6th cent. Buddhas of Bamyan 143 mi. NW of Kabul on the ancient Silk Road, including the biggest standing Buddha on Earth (125 ft. high), imagine what he'd do to the Statue of Liberty or Lincoln Memorial. Meanwhile the Taliban crushed, starved and killed as many as they could of the 400K Persian-speaking well-educated (in secular subjects) mostly Shiite Hazaras, whom they consider kafirs (infidels), imagine what these students of the religion of peace would do to New York and the unforgettable Christian Slater. Luckily, the U.S. invasion of 2001 stopped the genocide, for awhile. Too bad, after retreating to Pakistan they went to work on its Buddhist heritage, it being part of Islam's plan to destroy all interest in or evidence of the non-Islamic past, which they call Jahiliyyah ("days of ignorance"), meaning the time when Jehovah wasn't confused with Allah by anybody but illiterate pagan polytheist Arabs.

Not that Christianity doesn't have its dirty laundry, particularly the horrible Roman Catholic Church-backed 100-Day Rwandan Genocide that began on Apr. 6, 1994 and killed 500K-1M minority Tutsis and Hutu moderates, causing many Rwandans to turn to Islam out of sheer revulsion, call it Allah's luck that survivors come to him for retraining.

Meanwhile, on May 14, 1999 clueless Polish-born Pope John Paul II actually kissed the Quran in the Vatican during a visit by Iraqis, signalling I don't know what, but it sure pissed off Hollywood star Mel Gibson's genius daddy Hutton Peter "Red" Gibson (1918-), who started calling him "Garrulous Karolus the Koran Kisser". I guess the pope thought that since he brought down Communism just by visiting Poland, he could stop all Muslims from getting Medieval on our asses with a kiss, what a dope, so much for the infallibility theory. On Oct. 12, 2000 (Thur.) the U.S. Navy destroyer USS Hole, er, USS Cole was kissed Muslim style by al-Qaida suicide bombers in the port of Aden, Yemen, who rammed an exploding motorboat in its side, blowing a 40 ft. x 60 ft. hole and killing 17 sailors and injuring 39. Meanwhile in 1998 TLW published the enovel Five Smooth Stones, predicting that Islam will one day nuke the U.S. with a handful of suicide bombers and decapitate it by taking out Washington, D.C. (head of the Great Satan govt.) along with Los Angeles and New York City (home of more Jews than in Israel), and despite maybe one favorable review in some newspaper it was totally ignored. Ask me when I'm going to put it back up on Amazon.com, yawn.

The horrible hate religion finally spread its sick Arab crap to the heretofore safely-isolated Yankee mainly Christian-Jewish infidel U.S. on 9/11 (Sept. 11, 2001) (Tues.) (timed to get even with the 1683 Battle of Vienna during the infidel Westerners' coffee breaks?), ramming hijacked airliners into the World Trade Center and Pentagon and killing 2,976 and injuring 6K, becoming America's big wakeup call that old time Islamic jihad is baack. The mastermind was mechanical engineering-trained Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (1964-). And guess who trained and financed the leader of the 9/11 terrorist attack, civil engineering-trained Osama bin Laden (1957-) of Saudi Arabia, one of 54 children of Yemeni-born Mohammed bin Laden, who moved to Saudi Arabia and got rich in the construction biz, after which the family became rich enough to get into a position of plausible deniability regarding their infamous son's actions, along with the Saudi govt., whom nobody in the West in their right mind should trust unless they're history ignoramuses? You guessed it, Uncle Sam, just because it was convenient at the time because he was fighting to oust the pesky godless Soviets from Afghanistan, and the U.S. govt. was filled with history ignoramuses who didn't 'get' that "fundamentalist" (true) Muslims will always want to destroy both the Soviet Union and the U.S., along with the entire West, the entire world, everything that won't bow to Big Bow-Wow, why should they care if they ruin the Earth along with its Science and Technology when they get a new virgin-filled Magic Paradise run by Big Al, hey, how's your ankle, as good as new? True green Muslims worldwide danced in the streets with joy at the news of thousands of infidel Yankees murdered horribly by fire, and the secularist movement in Turkey and everywhere else began to fail, so much for my stand on mass Muslim immigration to the West. This despite the efforts of the Muslim world's first televangelist Amr Mohamed Helmi Khaled (1967-) from Egypt, don't miss him, whose mainly middle upper-class audience tunes in to hear him diss al-Qaida and tell Muslims to tame down and peacefully coexist with the West, I wonder how long till he's assassinated. Oh yes, let's not give up hope, there's Turkish Sunni imam Mohammed Fethullah Gulen (Gülen) (1938-), follower of unwholesome anti-Ataturk pro-Sharia Islamist Nur (Light - as in the Quran not Science) movement founder Sheikh Sa'id-i Kurdi (1878-1960), who allowed Muslims to work with the West only to fight Communism, where have I heard that before. Gulen also claims to condemn al-Qaida, and has had dialogues with the Vatican and some Jewish organizations while living in exile in the history ignoramus U.S., too bad he also supports headscarves for women, and when he returns to Turkey he just might pull a Ruhollah and go retro and seek to reinstate the caliphate, so let's do give up hope, sorry. The only slim hope in Afghanistan now is female politician Malalai Joya (1978-), who has been exposing how the Afghan govt. is incorporating former mujahideen warlords and clerics, calling them war criminals who should be prosecuted. Too bad, she is also calling for the U.S. to pull out of Afghanistan, saying that if they would leave the majority will oust the hated Taliban in favor of a democratic secular govt., without explaining how when they couldn't earlier. Her characterization of the U.S. as being as bad as the Taliban is her biggest mistake, sorry, she's been listening to too many anti-American propagandists and watching too many Star Wars movies. Maybe she will last another few years before being assassinated, was Allah or Muhammad a woman, how uppity of her, call me a pessimist I'm just a realist.

After 9/11, history ignoramus U.S. Republican president (2001-9) George Walker "Dubya" Bush (1946-) threw everything we had at hunting down and destroying Osama bin Laden and his al-Qaida network, knowing that most Sunnis (who tend to be secular) would help him, right? Wrong, the dope wasted our treasure, blood and time on Sunni Muslim cartoon figure Saddam Hussein (1937-2006), who started out with CIA backing when he took power in 1979, and was encouraged to attack Iran over a border conflict, starting a bloody war from 1980-8, after which he turned against the U.S. and invaded Kuwait on Aug. 2, 1990, causing the U.S. to intervene and kick his butt then qurantine his nation to starve it into submission, while Saddam made everybody think he was secretly building WMDs out of fear of Iran, without telling the U.S., causing it to invade Iraq with its Shock and Awe forces in 2003 and root him out of his rat cellar then hang the rat, all in the mistaken belief that all us Yankees have to do to cure Islam of its horrible ways is come in like cowboys waving a copy of the U.S. Infidel Constitution and Bill of Infidel Rights and set up a statue of Bush's infidel ancestor George Washington, after which we will have a suburb of Washington, D.C. in the Middle East. Instead, he wasted who knows how many billions or trillions finding out what I could have already told him for free, namely, that Sodamn Insane was the leader of a Sunni regime propped up ever since WWI by the British and the U.S. specificially to split the terrorism-supporting Shiites so that they couldn't unite and form a spear to drive into Israel's heart. Yes, Sodamn was a cruel merciless horrible tyrant doomed to a life of killing and probably a violent end, welcome to the club he's a Muslim, but he was actually doing the West a favor by keeping the population from killing each other off in a sad country where people on one street are itching to torture, rape and kill those in the next street over, the result of 1400 years of you know what the religion of peace and love. By terrorizing everybody, he was actually keeping the region stable, and had some nice cruel merciless horrible sons to take over for him for decades to come. Alas, they're dead now too, and his Baath Party is kaput, along with his army, whose weapons were soon stolen by terrorists on both sides, which they used to start a civil war, with the U.S. troops in the middle becoming sitting ducks and getting blown up just driving down the street. At least those dopey troops mainly volunteered, after the U.S. school system left them all history ignoramuses who otherwise wouldn't have wanted the assignment even if they had to risk jail. G.W. Bush's actions played right into the hands of Osama bin Laden and his real backer Iran, along with his Muslim World-wide network of extremist supporters and sympathizers, giving them time to develop their own nukes, knowing that the U.S. doesn't have the wherewithal to stay there forever, and that when they finally pull out, they can finish the civil war, killing or expelling the remaining Sunnis, after which it would be no surprise if Iraq doesn't end up run by Ayatollahs, and even unite with Iran as a new superstate, after which it will be a cakewalk to take Kuwait permanently, along with its oil, then Saudi Arabia, followed by a Holocaust of the Jews in Israel after the Sunnis suddenly decide to drop their differences long enough to drive the Jews and Christian Crusaders into the sea or cement. Thank you for nothing, President GWB, you earned every one of your Cs at Yale. Not that I buy that 9/11 was staged solely by al-Qaida. It seems more likely that the U.S. and Israeli govts. either helped them or allowed them to do it to create an excuse to invade Iraq, and yes, it might have been about oil, but since they were all Islam history ignoramuses they played into the hands of resurgent Islamics who want to create a new Ottoman Empire complete with turban-wearing caliph that finishes Muhammad's original jihad and dances on our graves, and now it's not about oil it's about nukes, so I hope they read this far and catch on.

Speaking of Washington, D.C., as a consequence of mass Muslim immigration it was just a matter of who wants to step up to the plate first and start the series, and the Muslim jihadist Beltway Snipers went on an infidel-hunting safari in the Washington, D.C. area in Oct. 2002, scoring 10 kills and three critically wounded along Infidel, er, Interstate 95, during and after which the history ignoramus media tried to portray them as victims of the Yankee system and apparently missed all them commands in the Quran to expand the territory ruled by Sharia by force and kill any who resist, what the Hell? Coincidentally, main sniper John Allen Muhammad was scheduled to be executed on Nov. 10, 2009, just five days after fellow jihadist Maj. Hasan stepped up to the plate and the clueless media starting portraying him as a victim of the Yankee system.

Meanwhile every day's a brand old day in Islam, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (1956-), puppet of Shiite grand ayatollah Ali al-Husayni al-Sistani (1930-) became pres. #6 of the Islamic Repub. of Iran on Aug. 3, 2005, working to build nukes while putting up an act to stall military invasion, benefitting from the U.S. being stretched thin in Iraq and having a new Vietnam in Afghanistan. On Oct. 3, 2009 it was revealed that Imadinnajacket (who participated in the Iranian Hostage Crisis in 1979-81) has Jewish roots, making him the #2 world mystery man after Barack Obama. Madman Inastraightjacket's chief spiritual advisor is "the Crocodile", ayatollah Mohammad Taghi (Taqi) Mesbah Yazdi (1934-), who claims that his protege is the "chosen" of the Mahdi. Meanwhile in early 2007 the Algerian militant Salafist Group for Preaching and Combat (GSPC) in the Maghreb (NC and NW Africa) aligned itself with al-Qaida, and in Oct. 2009 an Algerian researcher at CERN in Europe was arrested for suspected links with it, meaning that Osama bin Laden's reach was expanding.

And then the secular regime in Turkey began to come unglued as fundamentalist Sharia-loving Islam began taking over, starting with new PM (2003-) Recep Tayyip Erdogan (1954-) (disciple of Fethullah Gulen), who started out an ally of Israel but broke with them decisively in 2009 over their treatment of civilians in Gaza, revealing the intense anti-Semitism of the average Turk with his soundbyte "Jews are able to make their money multiply while seated" (Oct. 8, 2009). In June 2007 the Ergenekon Case began as the first of 300 backers of the secular regime were arrested and put on trial on trumped-up charges of conspiring to overthrow the new Islamist govt. in an effort to root out the entire Ataturk-loving older generation probably, stay tuned. Meanwhile the Sharia throwbacks kept it up, and on Nov. 10, 2005 the European Court of Human Rights in Leyla Sahin v. Turkey upheld the legitimacy of a Turkish law prohibiting women from wearing religious head covering in govt. bldgs., schools, and univs., causing the pres. of Turkey on Feb. 22, 2008 to approve two constitutional amendments allowing them, but the Turkish supreme court overturned them. Stay tuned to when the people of Turkey overthrow the Turkish supreme court.

Want a wild card to play in the coming Muslim-caused Armageddon? In June 2004 the Sa'dah (al-Houthi) (al-Hawthi) Rebellion in N Yemen began as Zaydi Shiite cleric Hussein Badreddin al-Houthi (-2004) decided to impose Shia Sharia over the Democratic Republic of Yemen, which he accused of being too friendly with the U.S., and Sunni next-door-neighbor Saudi Arabia began playing both ends against the middle. The Zaidis comprise half of the pop. of Yemen, which had a Zaidi caliphate until 1962, and guess what they want, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone not, did it ever occur to Muslims that to really have peace they must first chuck love machine Muhammad and Allah, fly me in and I'll be their new Messiah after they send me a load of gold bars to buy my white robes and sandals and 72 hot models. On Nov. 9, 2009 fighting erupted between Houthi rebels and Saudi border guards, spilling into Saudi Arabia, causing 240 villages to be evacuated and 50 schools to be closed. Meanwhile the Houthis gleefully persecuted the few hundred Jews who remained in Yemen after decades of persecution (there were 60K in 1948). Since Russia is friendly with Shiite Iran and the U.S. is friendly with Sunni Saudi Arabia, could this looming Sunni-Shiite war eventually drag the U.S. and Russia into war? Call me back from the induction center, I'll be at Dairy Queen having a banana split.

Talk about resurgent Islamics whose reach was expanding. As if the West didn't need any more clues that Islam is a threat to the West even in its inner sanctums, on Mar. 11, 2004 the Madrid Train Bombings in Spain killed 191 and wounded 1.8K three days before general elections, later traced to al-Qaida. On Nov. 2, 2004 Dutch atheist film producer Theodoor "Theo" van Gogh (b. 1957) (great-great grandson of Vincent van Gogh's brother Theo) was assassinated by Dutch-born Dutch-Moroccan Muslim Mohammed Bouyeri, who got pissed off at his film Submission, exposing the ongoing maltreatment of women in Islam. He carved a message on van Gogh's chest saying that his Somali-born collaborator Ayaan Hirsi Ali (1969-), who was circumcised as a child then fled to the Netherlands and became an atheist is going to be next, causing her to be put under 24-hour protection by bodyguards, thanks religion of peace. Next, the London 7/7 Bombings of July 7, 2005 saw four coordinated suicide attacks on London's public transport system during the morning rush hour, all by British Muslims pissed off at British support for the U.S.-Iraq War and going back to their Quran's holy guidance. The British Islamic Council was given primetime coverage for its fatwa condemning the bombings, but later leader Abu Basir al-Tartusi cleared it all up with the soundbyte "More than half of the Quran and hundreds of the Prophet's sayings call for jihad and fighting those unjust tyrants", adding "What do you want us to do with his huge quantity of Sharia provisions, and how do you want us to understand or interpret them? Where is the benefit in deserting jihad against those tyrants? Because of them, the nation lost its religion, glory, honor, dignity, land, resources, and every precious thing." Now that's progressive, be picky. Next, the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten became the target of a worldwide Muslim hate and murder campaign after it published some cartoons of Prophet M in Sept. 2005, after which newspapers in over 50 countries reprinted them and drew their firey hate. In Mar. 2008 Osama bin Laden decided to make a permanent issue, and denounced the cartoons as a "catastrophe" for which punishment must be given, after which on June 2, 2008 an al-Qaida suicide bomber hit the Danish embassy in Islamabad, killing six. Funny how evil kid Muslims go nonlinear when non-Muslims try to draw a depiction of their Antichrist, since all Arabs look alike with that beard, turban, Arab nose, etc., and almost every Muslim male has a variant of Muhammad in his name, I guess they saw the 1960 film "Spartacus" where all of Kirk Douglas' slave soldiers claimed to the Romans that they were Spartacus in order to be crucified in his place, and decided to turn it inside out like they do everything good in religion because theirs is the religion that keeps score, never forgives and never forgets, and always tries to get way more than even, like the Terminators, you have to kill them all to stop them, oh I said that. Next, on the night of Oct. 27, 2005 two French Muslim youths in the Paris suburb of Clichy-sous-Bois fled the pigs during an ID check and hid in an electrical relay station and electrocuted themselves, causing Muslim youths throughout France to do the Muslim thing and go on a rampage, burning 1K cars, vandalizing buildings, doing millions in damage, and throwing stones and bottles at police for a month in 300 cities, with some calling Paris the new "Baghdad-sur-Seine". Of course, the Islam ignoramus PC police moved in and tried to stifle real discussion of the obvious solution, bon appetit. On July 15, 2005 the New York Times carried an article titled "The Time Bombs in France's Suburbs", telling of French Muslims turning jihadist and going to fight against the U.S. in Iraq, whatsa matter, missed it? Meanwhile Australian media mogul Keith Rupert Murdoch (1931-) was influenced into dropping the word Muslim from Muslim youth riots by Muslim Saudi prince Al-Walid bin Talal (1955-), who owns 5.7% of Fox News, they tell us how to drive next they'll tell us how to eat, express yourself, who you are, who you wanna be. Next, Religion of Peace reps from Pakistan decided to give India a dose of Allah's love, and on Nov. 26-29, 2008 staged the 2008 Mumbai Attacks, killing 173 and wounding 308, how about free Qurans in every hotel room for Islamophobes like me. This time the Quran-thumper murderers were members of Lashkar-e-Taiba ("army of the righteous"), founded in Kunar Province, Afghanistan in 1990, and now based in Muridke, Punjab, Pakistan, near Lahore.

On Jan. 15, 2005 Mahmoud Abbas (1935-) (PLO chmn. since Nov. 11, 2004) became pres. of the Palestinian National Authority (founded 1994 per the Oslo Accords of Sept. 13, 1993) as head of the leftist Fatah (Fateh) Party, which got into street fights with Hamas in the Palestinian Civil War in 2006-9, which the Palestinians call Wakseh ("humiliation"), since Muslims are fighting their brothers over Jews. Did I mention that Palestinians preach that Jews are the descendants of pigs and monkeys, drink responsibly? Article 12 of Fatah's constitution calls for the "complete liberation of Palestine, and eradication of Zionist economic, political, military and cultural existence." On Jan. 25, 2006 it lost its majority in the Palestinian party to Hamas, becoming the main opposition party. Too bad, after the Israelis stunk themselves up with civilian murders in Gaza early in 2009, on Sept. 15, 2009 the 575-page U.N.-sponsored Goldstone Report by South African judge Richard Goldstone was released, accusing Israel and Hamas of war crimes, pissing off the Israelis, after which in Oct. 2009 U.S. ally Mahmoud Abbas (who welcomed Pope Benedict XVI to the West Bank May 13, 2009 since he shares the goal of a separate Palestinian state) was accused of colluding with both the U.S. and Israel by deliberately ignoring it, after which on Oct. 8 Libya asked the U.N. Security Council to consider it in an emergency session. Meanwhile the Israeli govt. considered restricting travel by its officials and military personnel to Europe for fear of arrest as war criminals, and Hamas asked for postponement of a planned Oct. 24-26 ceremony in Cairo to sign a reconciliation pact with Fatah over the report, while Iranian pres. Inastraightjacket said that the West has been using psychological weapons that coverup how Palestinians not Israelis are the real victims. On Oct. 12-16, 2009 Turkey pulled out of the EU, citing the Gaza atrocities, signaling the rejection of Kemal Ataturk's pro-Western secular Islam and the acceptance of radical fundamental Islam as it turned against its former allies Israel and the U.S. bigtime and openly courts Hamas, Syria, Iran, Hezbollah, and al-Qaida. In Oct. 2009 it was revealed that the Goldstone Report was initiated by the anti-Israel Org. of the Islamic Conference (founded 1969), known for trying to criminalize any criticism of Islam or Muslims worldwide as part of a "stealth jihad". On Nov. 7, 2009 the U.S. Congress voted 344-36 to condemn the report. Meanwhile on Sept. 15, 2009 Omar Khalafe (b. 1940) was murdered by Islamic Al-Shabaab ("Party of Youth") fighters near Merca, Somalia (45 mi. from Mogadishu) for distributing Christian Bibles as part of a systematic program of extermination of Christians, and the complacent PC West ignored it while allowing Muslims to immigrate as if they're just like everybody else, after all, teen vampires are in. Speaking of vampires, did I mention the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), founded in 1994 in Washington, D.C. to lobby for Muslim rights, believe me this is not a plug? On Aug. 21, 2004 after his wife videotaped the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, the FBI seized hundreds of documents from the Annandale, Virginia home of Ismael Selim Elbarasse tying him to Hamas, later exposing him as a U.S. front for the Muslim Brotherhood, which wants to overthrow the U.S. govt. and set up Sharia, and proving that almost every major U.S. Islamic group is controlled by it, including CAIR. The documents were used as evidence in the 2007 Texas-based Holy Land Foundation for Relief and Development case, the largest terrorism funding case so far in U.S. history, with one of the documents containing the soundbyte "The Ikhwan [Muslim Brotherhood’s name for itself] must understand that their work in America is a kind of grand Jihad in eliminating and destroying the Western civilization from within and 'sabotaging' its miserable house by their hands and the hands of the believers so that it is eliminated and Allah's religion is made victorious over all other religions." Speaking of plugs and need for funding, on the good side of the force in the U.S. are Daniel Pipes (1949-), Robert Bruce Spencer (1962-), David Joel Horowitz (1939-), and Mark Steyn (1959-).

So, when new Democratic U.S. president (2009-) Barack ("blessed") Hussein ("handsome") Obama ("crooked") II (1961-), the first-ever African-American in the White House (albeit half white and half black) (who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize after being in office for 10 days, and was awarded it after 9 mo. in office) (no wonder that his name all by itself causes many to think he's a Muslim plant, plus the funny way he hides his birth certificate and the fact that he might have been indoctrinated into Islam as a child, he's okay now, I hope) inherited Bush's mess, and attempted to reach out to the Muslim world with speeches and by appointing Egyptian-born Dalia Mogahed (1974-) as the first veiled Muslim woman to serve in the White House, he had a no-win situation, because he can't defeat al-Qaida in Afghanistan, indeed, al-Qaida is more likely to take over Pakistan (where most youth see themselves as Muslim first and Pakistani second, and are split between secular govt. and Sharia govt.) and get ahold of its nukes to boot, while their Shiite buddies in Iran-Iraq are likely to develop their own nukes, and even with our Shock and Awe super air force, we're running out of time, aren't we? Let's say that the Iran-Iraq army invades Saudi Arabia, Osama's home. Aren't the Saudis our allies? Nope, army invades Saudi Arabia, Osama's home. Aren't the Saudis our allies? Nope, just the royal family, the Arabian pop. mainly hating their guts because they rightly believe that they sold out to the infidel West, check Las Vegas any weekend and watch a Saudi royal lose a million bucks and hire 50 hos. If the U.S. tries to land troops in Arabia, even a history ignoramus must know that Prophet Muhammad himself commanded all believers to rise against it for defiling the holy sanctuary of Islam, so I guess we can't try it. But after King Osama of Arabia cuts off the oil in Arabia, and we already lost the oil in Iran, Iraq, and Kuwait, what is our military supposed to run on, corn? I guess the U.S. pop. will have to starve, choke. What can we do with the stubborn Israelis after they are surrounded for the Final Battle? The U.S. will never abandon them, even if it would be wiser to cut them loose, sorry, as if they aren't our only friends in the Middle East anyway. Institute a massive draft bigger than during WWII, recruiting an army of maybe 20 or 30 million, only to find out it's too late? What can we do then? Evacuate the Jews in boats and planes like at Dunkirk? Sorry, they're too fanatical, and probably won't go. Instead, they got their own nukes, and will use them. Meanwhile the Russkies and Chinese are waiting on the sidelines, likely to come in on the Muslim side since this will be their big chance to finally end America's Century. All we have to do is accidentally kill some Russian or Chinese advisers, yikes, World War Three. And I don't like to predict the future, but I wouldn't be surprised if Europe abandons us this time, thanks for helping us in WWI and WWII, suckah, not that it would be wise, since the Muslims will love to nuke and/or occupy it just as much as the U.S. Did I mention that game, set, and match is all about keeping Sharia-loving Muslims from getting their hands on nukes, starting with Iran? Make that all Muslim govts. of any stripe, since they're all ticking time bombs. At least the U.S. military is currently occupying Iraq on Iran's W side, and Afghanistan on its E side, which could be turned into a double-sided invasion pretty easily. Sweet dreams, history ignoramuses.

But Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan aside, there's a lot more Muslim countries than them, and even today, Islamic countries normally execute (behead) apostates, Muslims who try to give it up and refuse to bow their necks not once, not twice, but five times daily, despite no clear order to do so (the beheading) in the Quran, call it impossible to not do it, it goes with the mindset, there's no clear order in the Quran to not do it, imagine the fear quaking in any Muslim who even forgets one prayer once in his whole life. This alone makes the idea of allowing Muslims into the U.S. or any Western country totally scary, Muslims aren't lovely guys and won't make great congressmen, governors or presidents, sorry. Speaking of presidents, did you ever hear of the Muslim concept of Taqiyya ("dissimulation")? That's a dispensation for believers to conceal their faith and lie to unbelievers when under threat, persecution or compulsion so they can act as secret agents for Allah and do his work to gain any advantage against infidels who all belong to Hell and should be dead anyway, are you ready to play, let's play, 30 seconds on the clock for one million dollars, which includes foreign translations of the Quran. Could Obama be the Muslim Taqiyya Bell Dog? Check back with me after his term, if you're still here.

Too bad, as if WWI and WWI weren't enough for them, did I mention a disturbing new trend of either allowing Muslims to immigrate or letting then sneak into Europe and allowing them to stay began after WWII, accelerating after 2000 as the world was preoccupied with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. France has been permitting Muslim immigrants from Algeria since the end of WWI. In tea-chugging Britain it went exponential in late 2000 after the Labour govt. secretly decided to foist multiculturalism on the Conservatives, allowing 3M to immigrate by the time a points-based system was introduced in Feb. 2008. Why? We didn't need these bums for 1400 years and now we do? The official excuse? Low Euro birth rates, caused when the history ignoramus Euro govts. who had gone mainly Socialist and atheist and anti-Catholic set up welfare states using the dough they didn't need to spend when the U.S. military acted as their shield, and the history ignoramus effeminized men and welfare queen women quit breeding and got into punk rock and Harry Potter. Instead of being happy with a lower population, the Euro govts. went nuts and used this as an excuse for immigrants from anywhere to apply, high birthrate being no problemo, becoming special softies for the "we're harmless representatives of a religion of peace" B.S. of Muslims, and afterward never waking up no matter how many violent episodes of Islamic burning volcano love they suffered, not only turning a blind eye to their stubborn refusal to abandon Sharia, but seeking to stifle freedom of speech only of non-Muslims who tried to warn of the Islamic menace, while Muslim protesters and commentators could preach open hate and be immune, every day is Black Friday with the Men in Black. On Sept. 12, 2006 Pope #265 (2005-) Benedict XVI (Joseph Alois Ratzinger) (1927-), made some remarks at the U. of Regensburg in Germany to history ignoramus Westerners, quoting Byzantine emperor (1391-1425) Manuel II Palaeologus (1350-1425) in 1391 that some of the teachings of Muhammad are "evil and inhuman", if you don't remember, "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached", sparking a worldwide reaction of Muslim hate and anger to prove him right, including death threats, violence in the streets, attacks on Christian churches in Palestinian areas, and the murder of 65-y.-o. Italian missionary nun Sister Leonela in Mogadishu, Somalia hours after a Somali cleric condemned the pope's speech, with Muslim disinformation artists ignoring their own criminals and the Quran that created them, and instead savaging the Catholic Church, bringing up the usual trinity of the Crusades, Inquisition and Vatican relations with the Nazis. On Sept. 17 after the pope said that he's "deeply sorry" that his remarks offended the Allah Akbars, and lamely claimed he didn't believe the words he was quoting, on Sept. 18 Al-Qaida in Iraq issued the soundbyte "You and the West are doomed", saying its war with the West and Christianity will never end until Islam takes over the world, adding "We will break up the cross, spill the liquor and impose the jizya tax, then the only thing acceptable is a conversion or the sword." Too bad, Western govts. continued to allow mass Muslim immigration, coddle Muslim immigrants and threaten to punish only anti-Muslim words and actions, and on Feb. 7, 2008 the fit hit the shan when English archbishop of Canterbury #104 (2003-) Rowan Douglas Williams (1950-) caused a firestorm of controversy by saying that the adoption of Sharia in the U.K. is "unavoidable", showing epic spinelessness and ignorance of history, as you must know if you read this far, I'm sure he backtracked later to keep his job. No surprise, okay it is, since for 400 years they had been calling him the Antichrist and his church the Whore of Babylon, on Oct. 20, 2009 the pope surprised Anglicans by announcing plans to make it easier to convert to Roman Catholicism, especially those who don't like female and gay bishops, permitting married hetero priests and other distinctive Anglican traditions in the hopes of a stampede, go Pope Mel the First.

By 2009 there were 15M Muslims in Western Europe, including 5M in France, 4M in Germany, and 2M in Britain, vs. virtually none in 1950. Total Third World origin pop. in Britain skyrocketed from 180K in 1958 to 8M in 2009. In the U.S. the tide began flowing in 1965, when about 100K Muslims lived in the U.S., with the 1965 Immigration and Nationality Act, sponsored by Dem. Mass. Sen. Ted Kennedy opening the U.S. up to 170K new immigrants from Eastern Hemisphere countries a year, plus unlimited family reunification visas, after which in 2005 a record 96K Muslims became legal permanent U.S. residents. Today there are up to 7M Muslims in the U.S., depending on the source, with Obama's White House putting up the grossly inappropriate (I hope) top figure. Not that I have anything against Muslims personally, just the fact that they're zombies infected with a mental AIDS, kill the brain and you kill the zombie. No surprise, in his Jan. 20, 2009 inaugural speech Pres. Obama became the first U.S. pres. to address "the Muslim World", uttering the soundbyte that the U.S. is "a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus and non-believers", which actually isn't untrue, since the post-WASP-supremacist U.S. wants to open its arms to all people who don't get Medieval on their asses and accept the infidel U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights, although unfortunately once they lie their way in, the U.S. has few if any mechanisms for sending them back until after they pull something. On June 4, 2009 Obama gave a speech in Cairo, where he attempted to make the Muslim world quit hating the Great Satan U.S. despite its support of Israel and modern views such as women's rights, with the soundbyte "America is not, and never will be at war with Islam", at least under his administration, maybe he is trying to get elected president for life. The rumors are persistent that he's a Muslim plant, a Manchurian Candidate, the Antichrist, etc., but even if all he's trying to do is empower Muslims in the U.S., it sickens me, how about you? What if he said the same thing about the cult of Kali or the heart-chomping Aztec religion? On Apr. 1 (April Fool's Day) he actually bowed to Saudi king Abdullah, a giant protocol no-no and a terrific insult to his own office, probably an instinctive reaction, he won't do it again, but imagine any preceding president doing it. Okay, on Nov. 14 he did it again, to the Japanese emperor, which means it's not a Muslims-only thing, just an attempt to shrink the penises of white American males. In Nov. 2009 Obama's grandmother Sarah Obama (1922-) went on hajj to Mecca as King Abdullah's guest despite Obama's campaign calling her a Christian to help him get elected, I guess he's the same kind of Christian as her, give me my vote back. Too bad, Saudi Arabia is known for their mutawas (morality police), who throw women into medieval dungeons and beat and gang-rape them for daring to drive a car or go out in public without a male escort, and on June 9, 2009 even sentenced Lebanese TV journalist Ali Sibat (who was arrested while visiting on hajj) to death for witchcraft because somebody told the authorities he made predictions on TV, great ally the U.S. has there, let's give them Florida. On Sept. 25, 2009 (Fri.) (Dar ul Islam) a Muslim National Prayer Day, organized by anti-Semitic Sheik Ahmed Dewidar and atty. Hassen Abdellah (who defended the Muslim terrorists accused in the 1993 WTC bombing) saw only 5K-8K of 50K promised Muslims show up in Washington, D.C. for a Jumu'ah prayer event in front of the U.S. Capitol, with signs saying "The White House will become the Muslim House" etc. Meanwhile the same day illegal Jordani immigrant Hosam Maher Husein Smadi (1990-) was charged with attempting to use a WMD in Dallas, Tex., and Denver, Colo. Pakistani immigrant Najibullah Zazi (1985-) was caught planning another 9/11 on U.S. soil he had no more respect for than dirt. No surprise, after his Muslim parents were allowed to immigrate from Palestine regardless of potential consequences, well-educated Allah-Akbar-shouting U.S. Army psychiatrist Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan (1970-), who was radicalized and gave off plenty of signals which were ignored by the Obama admin. went on a rampage on Nov. 5, 2009 (Thur.) in Ft. Hood, Tex., largest military base in the world, gunning down his unarmed fellow soldiers like mangy dogs as fast as he could fire his dual pistols until he was shot and captured, scoring 13 infidel turkeys dead and 30 wounded for Allah, after which the lame Obama admin. and PC press tried to downplay the jihad angle so they wouldn't have to stop mass Muslim immigration to the U.S. for awhile longer, pardon me while I get a grip and quote Obama at the Nov. 10 memorial service: "No faith justifies these murderous and craven acts, no just and loving God looks upon them with favor. The killer will be met with justice, in this world, and the next." Duh, right, but who said that Allah is either just or loving, and isn't his justice for jihadists to give them paradise, while their victims get Hell? Is Obama reading a new edition of the Quran I haven't seen yet, one with a time limit on its commands to kill all who resist Sharia, or is he an Islam history ignoramus like most Westerners, who listens to a select few Muslim disinformation artists with Ph.Ds? Maj. Hasan's advanced degree didn't mean spit when he decided to go with Allah and the Quran, his psycho shrink business cards even displaying the initials "SoA(SWT)", Soldier/Sword of Allah, Sharia Will Triumph, buy one now on eBay, making it obvious that U.S. policy needs changed to be bigtime to stop all Muslim immigration except for a tiny number of the most selective exceptions, considering them all as potential enemy combatants like FDR did with the Japanese in WWII, which the U.S. govt. later apologized for, since they weren't really, but this time they are, their Evil Emperor never dies and never sleeps, so let's do it now and have our kids and grandkids thank us later. By the way, before the Ft. Hood Massacre there was a little-publicized murder of a U.S. Army soldier outside an Army recruitment center in Little Rock, Ark. on June 1 by Abdulhakim Muhammad (1976-) of Tenn., formerly Carlos Bledsoe, an African-American who was raised a Baptist and converted to Islam, I guess that name Muhammad works wonders with the undecided and that Allah is an equal opportunity employer.

Too bad, oxymoron king Pres. Obama is Muslim-friendly and an Islam history you know what, and was brainwashed into it for a time as a child, and has Muslim relatives who warp his thinking, else why give speeches announcing that the U.S. isn't at war with Islam, when it is, and must be, to remain the U.S.? Pundits who have a different crystal ball than moi such as Reza Aslan (1927-) are currently making the bucks claiming that Muslim terrorists are just misunderstood and will give it up after being allowed into the political process, therefore we should allow zillions more Muslims to move into the West right now without learning any history, or minding it if we do. Gag me with a spoon, in Nov. 2007 British foreign secy. David Wright Miliband (1965-) even called for the European Union to expand to include Muslim countries. In Europe currently there is only one brave politician who is speaking out against the Muslim threat to the West, Geert Wilders (1963-) from the Netherlands, who released the 2008 short film Fitna while suffering from misguided political correctness moguls and Muslim disinformation artists, who coined the term "Islamophobia" to become the new no-no word, if you got you know what stamped on your forehead. Well, I am afraid of what Muslims might do, so why be ashamed of it, call me Ishmael, I'm an Islamophobe because I'm smart and know my history. Make that two. On Nov. 12, 2009 French pres. (2007-) Nicolas Sarkozy (1955-) gave a speech at the Elysee Palace, where he said that France is on the verge of losing its soul because of immigration of radical fundamentalist Muslims. Earlier on June 22 he declared the Islamic walking coffin burqa black ass clown costume unwelcome in France. On Nov. 29, 2009 after a Stop Minaret Movement in Switzerland (where 400K Muslims now live, mainly secular) gathered momentum, with MP Ulrich Schuler uttering the soundbyte "They are symbols of a desire for power, of an Islam which wants to establish a legal and social order fundamentally contrary to the liberties guaranteed in our constitution", Swiss voters overwhelmingly approved a ban on minaret construction after four had already been built. No surprise, the Muslim world, which also prohibits minaret construction in several countries acted in peace and love, wrong, in anger and outrage, claiming discrimination, while trying to get the West to overlook its own gigantic dirty laundry, such as destroying 150 historic Orthodox Christian churches in Kosovo since 2000. Right afterward, a poll by the London Daily News showed 75% support for a British ban on minarets, go Churchill. Too bad, on Dec. 4, 2009 French PM (since 2007) Francois Fillon (1954-) said that France won't ban new minaret construction, with the soundbytes "I prefer mosques that are open, rather than dark basements", "What we must fight is fundamentalism, but certainly not Muslims. We mustn't confuse everything", concluding "We must strive to develop a French Islam instead of having Islam imposed on France", I wonder what part of "submission" he doesn't understand? Rather than trying to live with these imported alien zombie time bombs and get one wet bloody surprise after another ad infinitem while the Muslim apologists scramble to explain it away ad infinitem, I'm for the U.S., Europe, and everywhere else stopping all Muslim immigration and declaring Islam, or at least the practice of Sharia a world crime, with a Three Allah Akbar And You're Out Rule, and if the U.N. won't go along with it, then let's start a new one that does. The fears of conservative Christians notwithstanding, maybe the only way to finally fight Islam is to create a one world government with a world police force that outlaws the Quran, which makes me sound like an enemy of free thought, but no, there will be an escape clause, if you curse Muhammad and Allah first you get your access restored, even Thomas Jefferson had a copy in his library to study the enemy. The world police should also immediately arrest anybody caught publicly praying to Allah and put them in a rehabilitation camp where they can be reeducated, if possible, which it probably isn't, but we could try massive doses of porno and rock music, and concentrate on liberating the women and using them to get at the men, check out my new bestseller called You Can Take a Muslim out of the Medieval Ages. Too bad, how can we lock up 1.5 billion Muslims? It's not humanly possible. Maybe we can only hope to quarantine them on a worldwide basis, and figure out how to take their kids from them to break the cycle, there's a minaret, run, check back with me after Armageddon. Too bad there's only 57 million sq. mi. of land surface on planet Earth. Sometimes I really wish Christ would return, check out one of the Christian Gospels, rhymes with Ocean Blue, John 8:44: "You are of your father the Devil, and you only want to do his desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own true nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

Not that all Islamic clerics are backing the thumping of the Quran to justify the current al-Qaida jihad, chief among them being learned Egyptian cleric Sayyed Imam al-Sharif (1950-), author of the 1988 jihadist bestseller "The Essential Guide for Preparation" that became the bible of Osama bin Laden and al-Qaida, which called jihad the natural state of Islam because Muslims must always be at war with unbelievers, with the soundbyte "The real objective was not victory over the Soviets but martyrdom and eternal salvation." Too bad, after being imprisoned in Yemen since 9/11 and softened up, he suddenly flip-flopped in prison and in Nov.-Dec. 2007 published "Document of Right Guidance for Jihad Activity in Egypt and the World", claiming that the Quran actually prohibits most forms of terrorism, with the soundbyte "There is nothing that invokes the anger and wrath of God like the unwarranted spilling of blood and wrecking of property", adding "Oh, you young people, do not be deceived by the heroes of the Internet, the leaders of the microphones, who are launching statements inciting the youth while living under the protection of intelligence services, or of a tribe, or in a distant cave or under political asylum in an infidel country. They have thrown many others before you into the infernos, graves, and prisons", and "God permitted peace treaties and ceasefires with the infidels, either in exchange for money or without it, all of this in order to protect the Muslims, in contrast with those who push them into peril". Of course, al-Qaida immediately blew him off and continued their jihad, with plenty of Islamic clerics backing them up, Islam doesn't have a infallible pope like Christendom once did, Allah wants everybody from a 5th grader on up to read the Quran for himself and do his killing even if they have to bypass some self-appointed Muslim higher-ups, did I say It's About the Quran, Stupid? Don't be surprised if al-Sharif later flip-flops again and admits he published some disinformation to get out of prison, sorry there again, Omar Sharif.

Did I prove that Islam is the enemy of the civilized world yet, and whether they call it the Umayyad, Abbasid, Fatimid or Ottoman empire, it's Hell on Earth? What if the Ottoman empire were still around, and had its hands on nukes, imagine the big turbans that would love nuking everything that ain't Muslim. The real problem is Prophet Muhammad, who if he were alive today would make Osama bin Laden look like a Boy Scout, maybe we should declare Muhammad as a world criminal then classify all extremist Muslims as Muhammad clones and put out world arrest warrants, oh, I already covered that, too many to arrest at this point. Sadly, Western leftists and progressives have long had a sick love affair with Islam, which they want to see as some kind of white knight because of their hatred of Christendom, the horrible acts of jihadists causing them to play mind games about a good and bad Islam, when it's the sad truth that the bad Muslims are the true Muslims since they're the ones obeying hate-filled Allah's commands like Prophet M did, not the good Muslims who try to stay Muslim and be pro-Western too like Ataturk. Even more sad, it was the export of atheism, anti-religious propaganda and immorality by leftist Hollyweird that pissed so many borderline Muslims off and turned them into jihadists. If they read this far maybe them leftists' eyes are now open that Islam's core the Quran is the enemy of everything that the West stands for, left, right, and middle of the bird, and while maybe Middle Eastern culture can be cleaned up and modernized enough to be tolerated, Islam must go, it really must go, submit to Allah, hell no. Remember horrible Hitler and how it took a world war to kill him? Well, Islam's Hitler rules from the grave via a book, and that's what must be killed, along with the Big Cube, Dark Cave, and other reference points and their significance. No, us Westerners don't kill unless in self-defense, so until they do something stupid at least the 7th cent. Sharia mindset must go, hopefully by a mass education effort in Muslim countries, combined with taking away their nukes, which will require a world effort, in the hope that Muslims will reform themselves somehow, with the secular ones ending Sharia with Western backing, financial and military. Yes, there are other thinkers such as Emmanuel Todd (1951-) who claim it will happen automatically after mass literacy and birth control are achieved, which is like saying not in our lifetimes, unless maybe Western billionaires like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett decide to throw every dollar they've got into the effort, plus another few trillion borrowed from China by the U.S. govt. By the way, I'm not just a lone infidel whistling Dixie in the dark, there's ex-Muslims who are speaking out too, no surprise, mainly women, including Nonie Darwish (1949-), Wafa Sultan (1958-), Irshad Manji (1968-), and Nazanin Afshin-Jam (1979-), check them out when you get the time.

So what can be done in the U.S.? First stop mass Muslim immigration. Then pass a constitutional amendment forever prohibiting Sharia from being established or practiced, and prohibiting Muslims from becoming federal or state officials. Haha, fooled ya, we already have the great First Amendment, which prohibits the establishment of religion, plus the Constitution, which prohibits religious tests for public office. The problem of some secret Muslims who lie that they are Christians to serve the current jihad can be handled within the existing system. Not that I wouldn't love a Supreme Court decision that belief that Allah will reward a Muslim for killing infidels in cold blood disqualifies Muslims from the protections accorded religion and can be punished as a crime, hopefully with deportation as potential enemy combatants being the main option. But the real threat of Muslims in the U.S. is Sharia. For Sharia to be established in the U.S., the govt. itself must submit to Islam, which would require Muslims to conquer us militarily, until we throw them out again. Meanwhile watch for the new crop of Hollyweird sitcoms about American Muslim families sans Norman Lear on primetime TV, that'll make you accept them, they're so cute, until one of them goes Allah Akbar and shoots up the studio, groan, we'll never get insurance. Guess what, real Muslims don't go with Western reeducation voluntarily, and in 2009 after a failed campaign to get the U.N. to pass a non-binding resolution against "defamation of religion", theirs, the Organization of the Islamic Conference raised the ante by lobbying the U.N. to put it in the Internat. Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination, which has teeth, even though Islam isn't a race it's a mental Borg cult, and isn't really even a religion it's an anti-religion, because its Quran calls for the imposition of Sharia worldwide no matter what religion it has to trample, and orders all who defame it to be killed, which is pretty easy to do as far as they are concerned, defame it that is. Meanwhile, Islamic countries trample freedom of religion daily and prohibit the construction of Christian churches while the Western press buries its head. On Dec. 6, 2009 Honest Injun Muammar al-Gaddafi of Libya gave a speech telling it like it is, saying that the Swiss minaret vote is an open invitation to al-Qaida to launch new attacks on Europe, while calling Switzerland "the Mafia of the world", as in Italian as in Roman Catholic. On Apr. 10, 2006 Al Jazeera broadcast another of his speeches, containing the frank soundbyte "Some people believe that Muhammad is the prophet of the Arabs or the Muslims alone. This is a mistake. Muhammad is the prophet of all people. He superseded all previous religions. If Jesus were alive when Muhammad was sent, he would have followed him. All people must be Muslims... We have 50 million Muslims in Europe. There are signs that Allah will grant Islam victory in Europe without swords, without guns, without conquests. The 50 million Muslims of Europe will turn it into a Muslim continent within a few decades... Allah mobilizes the Muslim nation of Turkey and adds it to the European Union. That's another 50 million Muslims. There will be 100 million Muslims in Europe. Albania, which is a Muslim country, has already entered the EU. Fifty percent of its citizens are Muslims." Hence, Islam is still nakedly trying to impose Sharia worldwide via the U.N., see I told ya, it's time to circle the wagons, you're either with me or against me. In Dec. 2009, no surprise, the Dutch govt. filed criminal charges against Geert Wilders for inciting religious hatred or some other make-it-up-as-you-go speech crime, which are still pending. To quote infidel George Washington, "If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter", do you smoke or grill your turkey? To quote him again, "Experience teaches us that it is much easier to prevent an enemy from posting themselves than it is to dislodge them after they have got possession", he oughta know, hands-on learning. According to the FBI in 2009, 10% of 1,200 U.S. mosques preach jihad. Too bad, the Obama admin. has been using the fact that Muslim jihadists can't be proved to be soldiers of some specific country to make it a law enforcement rather than military problem, and in 2009 after extensive lobbying by William Kunstler's ACLU decided to try 9/11 mastermind Khalid Shikh Mohammed in a civilian court in New York City, dragging all citizen's rights down by lifting his higher than they should be. Sorry, jihadists are citizens of a country that knows no bounds called Sharia, founded in the 7th cent. by Muhammad in Arabia, with HQ in Mecca at the Quadragon (Kaaba), who commanded them to subject the whole Earth to it and destroy all govts. and any people who resist, not that the U.S. Constitution, Article 1, Section 8 doesn't already give Congress power to punish piracy and offenses against the law of nations in military tribunals, I guess Obama got Cs at Harvard. The real problem is the lack of a consensus in the non-Muslim world that Sharia should be outlawed as a world crime, Sharia-practicing countries put on a worldwide quarantine, all Muslim immigration stopped, all Muslims in the West deported or encouraged or paid to leave, put on constant surveillance as potential enemy combatants until they do, and dealt with under military not civilian law. Sorry PC police, it's not a racial or ethnic thing, since Islam is a mental belief system that is adopted after birth and can be dropped at any time, and what Western leftist, centrist or rightist wants to see Sharia come here, complete with suppression of women, the five times a day prayers complete with prayer towers and muezzin hog callers, the halal food laws, and beheading for infidelity. No, it's more like fighting the Borgs in Star Trek, let them in and they invite more Borgs in and try to absorb you. To fight Islam and its horrible Sharia that stands against all Western values is the #1 cause of the 21st cent., I hope you see that now, I love a health career, did you say nine months?

Sign a Petition to Stop Muslim Immigration to the U.S.

To cut to the chase, is there any way that Islam can be domesticated into an innocuous tolerant non-scary non-violent religion? Not without a new prophet coming down, who would probably be beheaded, and could never supplant the one and only original Big Mickey Mohammed and his example, the only world religion whose founder is far worse than any believer can ever hope to become, who claimed to get all his revelations from a dark cave sans microphones and cameras, then married a 6-year-old girl and did it with her at age 9 because he couldn't wait for her first period between massacres of Jews. Muhammad's dead now and in HELL, and his followers are only following him there, sorry, I am the Commander in Chief, the meeting lasted for life. Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul? The West is mainly past the Age of Religion, and seems to be laboring under the illusion that the Muslim world is also, when the sad fact is that the Quran never changes, telling all true believers to spread the territory of Sharia by force and kill those who resist, while its god Allah promises Hell to unbelievers and paradise to jihadists. The only way Muslims can live in the West is for them to chuck the Quran and no longer be the slaves of Allah, but then they wouldn't be Muslims anymore. Sad but true, there's only one Islam, those who don't submit to all his commands are pikers. And it's not about education, sorry, no matter how hard we work to educate Muslims to be good neighbors by taking the madass out of them, the little guy who understands simple Arabic will always see that their One-And-Only True Final Prophet told them to kill, rape and pillage for him, and to never ever listen to any infidel, sorry, pass the 9-year-old bedbunnies. Face it, Islam united religion with state since Day One, hence trying to pretend that Muslims can separate religion and state today is asking them to do what they can't do and stay Muslims. Way back through history those who were being encroached on by Islam were history ignoramuses, couldn't understand Arabic, and didn't know where they were coming from, making it harder to fight them than now when we're in the Internet Age and there's no excuse for being an Islam history ignoramus. Islam must go, it really must go. The Quran is a terrorist manual, and a giant threat to the world's peace and progress, I hope the facts I've led you to proved it and settle the issue in your mind, otherwise imagine a Muslim West and tell me where you'd like to escape to. All must finally renounce Muhammad and Allah, hopefully for something better, even total atheism, though why be dogmatic about the subject when just dropping it works even better?

Did I mention areligious? If the world can survive the Age of Religion, and neither Christ nor the Mahdi returns, I hope everybody will finally give religion up and become areligious and just live their lives out without hoping for too much from gods or godmen, and enjoy professional sports again, like in the good ole Roman days known for the Pax Romana. Stay tuned.

Check back with me later and I'll finish the story. Yah, I know I said it'd take a couple of hours, I was just trying to lure you in. After getting this far you have to admit it was worth it, and now that I've built a mental roadmap of Islam's history in your mind you will find that no matter how much deeper you go it will always serve you well, that's why I'm the Historyscoper (tm). Now go back over the material time after time until you memorize the key dates, names, and facts, then click the links and start using the Internet as your historyscope portal and find how lame the current school system is in comparison, and what history ignoramuses our own current and past U.S. presidents have been. Of course, this is just a tiny historyscope targeted at bringing you up to speed on Islam, and yes, I have a historyscope for all 6,000 years of human history, one day I'll publish it and I know you'll be ready for the Big Show. Ciao. TLW

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Publication History: The Great Track of Time AKA The Historyscope was begun by TLW on 9/11 (Sept. 11, 2001). This historyscope was split off and published on the Internet in July, 2009. Last update: Dec. 7, 2009. Note: I'm not responsible for the link sites, sometimes they change or go down, in which case you can just Google the underlined text on your own and find other sites to verify the historical facts that I have led you to, and by all means don't stop now, go deeper and arm yourself for the struggle of life.

The Quran is Alive and Well: Nine Days of the Religion of Peace At Work
List of Killings by Muslims in the Name of Allah for Nov. 1-9, 2009
The Month When U.S. Home Military Bases Were No Longer Safe from American Muslims

#	Date	Country	City	Killed	Injured	Description
1	2009.11.01	Iraq	Karbala	3	15	A bomb planted on a bus by Muslim terrorists kills 3.
2	2009.11.01	India	Srinagar	2	0	Muslims murder two traffic cops in a hit-and-run ambush at an intersection.
3	2009.11.01	Somalia	Lascanood	5	4	Shabaab radicals blow up a car with five people inside.
4	2009.11.01	Dagestan	Bavtugai	1	0	Taliban millitants assassinate a local mosque official.
5	2009.11.01	Iraq	Ramadi	3	5	A Muslim Fedayeen suicide bomber kills three Iraqis.
6	2009.11.01	Iraq	Mussayab	9	38	Muslim jihadists set off an explosives-ridden bicycle in a market, killing 9+.
7	2009.11.01	Philippines	Banisilan	1	2	Moro Muslims ambush a car carrying civilians, killing one.
8	2009.11.02	Pakistan	Rawalpindi	36	63	Taliban militants set off a massive bomb near a line of people outside a bank, killing 35+.
9	2009.11.02	USA	Glendale, AZ	1	1	An American Muslim woman dies from injuries suffered after her Muslim father ran her over with a car for being too "Westernized".
10	2009.11.02	Thailand	Narathiwat	1	0	Muslims break into a house and murder a villager.
11	2009.11.02	Thailand	Yala	2	0	Two men are killed in a drive-by shooting by Muslims.
12	2009.11.02	Iraq	Khanaqin	2	0	Muslim terrorists gun down a man and his son.
13	2009.11.02	Thailand	Pattani	2	0	Two security personnel are gunned down by Muslim rebels in separate attacks.
14	2009.11.02	Thailand	Yala	2	0	A male terrorist disguised in a woman's burqa kills two men in a pickup truck.
15	2009.11.02	Pakistan	Lahore	0	25	A Taliban suicide bomber detonates along a city street, injuring 25.
16	2009.11.03	Yemen	Hadramut	8	0	Al-Qaida militants machine-gun eight people in a vehicle to death.
17	2009.11.03	Iraq	Abu Ghraib	3	0	Muslim bombers wipe out a family of three, including a girl.
18	2009.11.03	Saudi Arabia	Jazan	1	0	Muslim rebels gun down a Saudi security officer.
19	2009.11.03	Afghanistan	Helmand	5	8	A Taliban gunman disguised as a policeman at a police base murders five British soldiers.
20	2009.11.04	Pakistan	Bajaur	2	2	Taliban militants brutally shoot two female schoolteachers to death.
21	2009.11.04	USA	Pleasanton, Calif.	0	0	22-y.-o. Abdul Hamid tears a crucifix from a Christian's neck at a shopping mall and shouts "Allah is power, Islam is great".
22	2009.11.05	USA	Ft. Hood, TX	13	30	Muslim U.S. Army psychiatrist Maj. Nidal Hasan kills 13 and wounds 30 unarmed U.S. soldiers staging for Afghanistan.
23	2009.11.05	Philippines	Zamboanga	2	8	Suspected Muslims fire into a commuter bus, killing 2.
24	2009.11.06	Somalia	Merca	1	0	A 33-year-old man is brutally stoned to death for adultery. The execution takes about 7 min.
25	2009.11.06	Iraq	Rashad	1	0	Suspected al-Qaida gunmen kill an Iraqi civilian.
26	2009.11.06	Iraq	Baqubah	1	1	Sunni militants shoot a Shiite barber to death.
27	2009.11.06	Pakistan	Hangu	1	4	A policeman is gunned down by the Taliban.
28	2009.11.07	Yemen	Al Khubah	4	36	Shiite rebels shell a residential area, killing four women from the same family and injuring 36.
29	2009.11.07	Iraq	Abu Ghraib	1	3	An al-Qaida bombing kills 1 and injures 3.
30	2009.11.07	Pakistan	Hangu	3	2	Taliban militants attack a local military base with rockets, killing three.
31	2009.11.07	Afghanistan	Helmand	3	0	Taliban militants blow up a vehicle carrying local soldiers, killing three.
32	2009.11.08	India	Rajouri	2	1	A man and his wife are murdered in their home by Muslim gunmen.
33	2009.11.08	Thailand	Pattani	2	3	A young man eating in a restaurant is among two people killed by Muslims in separate shootings.
34	2009.11.08	Iraq	Kut	1	0	A young woman is kidnapped, bound and shot to death by Muslim terrorists.
35	2009.11.08	Iraq	Kirkuk	1	0	Muslims gun down an oil company worker.
36	2009.11.08	Pakistan	Adazai	12	35	A Taliban suicide bomber in a livestock market kills 12, including the anti-Taliban mayor, and injures 35.
37	2009.11.08	Somalia	Hodon	2	8	Two civilians are killed during an attack by Muslim militia.
38	2009.11.09	Thailand	Narathiwat	1	0	Muslims shoot and kill a 53-year-old riding home on his motorcycle.
39	2009.11.09	Pakistan	Peshawar	3	5	A Taliban suicide bomber kills three, including a woman and a rickshaw driver.
40	2009.11.09	Philippines	Jolo	1	0	Abu Sayyaf militants kidnap and behead a local school principal then leave his head in a paper bag at a gas station.
41	2009.11.09	Thailand	Yala	1	1	Muslims ambush and brutally kill a young Buddhist man collecting plants.
				145	300	Totals

Islam the Mental AIDS of Earth

Islam is not just a religion or a cult, it is a complete final world domination system that preys on all weaknesses to grow. Too bad, after spending 1400 years fighting to kick them out of the West inch by inch, step by step, and segregate them in the Middle East, a new generation of history ignoramuses has arisen that is opening the gates to them and rolling out the red-as-in-bloody carpet as if to spit on their ancestors' graves and tempt fate.

Islam has religious, legal, political, economic and military components. The religious component and its insane Medieval male supremacist fairy tale version of the world is a beard for all the other components.

Islamization occurs when there are sufficient Muslims in a country to agitate for their so-called "religious rights", claiming that Islam is a harmless religion of peace and love, while telling critics to ignore the facts they see that in every country where they are in charge they trample on everybody else's. After all, every time a Muslim prays to Allah via their phony prophet, he has to touch his forehead to the ground, stamping it with the word dumbass, then walk around like that for the rest of the day, making any tiny perceived signal from a non-Muslim that that's what he sees on his forehead cause an uncontrollable explosion of rage, welcome to the World of I-Have-a-Chip-On-My-Shoulder. Sorry, Western concepts of religious rights don't cover acts, only beliefs, so take your hand off that sword please or I'll call the cops.

Too bad, when modern politically correct and culturally diverse societies agree to the "reasonable" Muslim demands for their religious rights, they also get the other components under the table, dooming the societies and everything they worked to build, like the Borgs in "Star Trek".

Here’s how it works (data source: CIA: The World Fact Book, 2007 ed.). (A new Muslim world pop. survey was published in Oct. 2009 by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life)

As long as the Muslim population remains at or below 1% in a given country, they lay low and put on an act, attempting to be regarded as a peace-loving minority and no threat to anyone. In fact, they may be featured in articles and films, stereotyped for their colorful ways by history ignoramus journalists. Anybody attempting to warn of the consequences of Muslim immigration is accused of spreading hate, when it's their religion that feeds on it, and Westerners not used to Muslims living nearby can't really hate them yet, just pity and fear what they might do, and understandably want to make life safer by having them go back to where they came from, take our territory by force over my dead body but why should I invite you in, do I look like I have the word dumbass on my forehead? A wise Western government that's not run by history ignoramuses will severely restrict Muslim immigration, and only to educated secular Muslims, but never let the total reach more than 1% of the total population, even the innocuous ones can have kids that get Medieval on our asses. As of 2009, the West is on the brink, and it's about time a common decision were made. Will they get wise? Let's keep our fingers crossed:

United States -- Muslim 1.0%
Australia -- Muslim 1.5%
Canada -- Muslim 1.9%
China -- Muslim 1%-2%
Italy -- Muslim 1.5%
Norway -- Muslim 1.8%

At 2%-3% (too big to expel them without major government action and violence) they begin to proselytize from other ethnic minorities and disaffected groups, with major recruiting from the jails and among street gangs:

Denmark -- Muslim 2%
Germany -- Muslim 3.7%
United Kingdom -- Muslim 2.7%
Spain -- Muslim 4%
Thailand -- Muslim 4.6%

From 5% up they exercise an inordinate influence in proportion to their percentage of the population, pushing for the introduction of halal food, thereby securing food preparation jobs for Muslims, and putting pressure on supermarket chains to feature it on their shelves, along with threats for failure to comply (United States).

France -- Muslim 8%
Philippines -- Muslim 5%
Sweden -- Muslim 5%
Switzerland -- Muslim 4.3%
The Netherlands -- Muslim 5.5%
Trinidad & Tobago -- Muslim 5.8%

At this point, they will work to get the ruling government to allow them to rule themselves under the sick superstitious male supremacist and cruel Medieval Sharia law. Remember that the ultimate goal of Islam from Day One per Prophet Muhammad's orders (after expelling all non-Muslims from Arabia, by the way, so much for their treatment of immigrants) is not to convert the world at first but to establish Sharia law by conversion and conquest then put relentless pressure on non-believers to make their life Hell unto they do.

When Muslims begin to reach 10% of the population, they will increase lawlessness by complaining about their living conditions (Paris -- car-burnings). Any non-Muslim action that offends Islam will result in uprisings and violent threats despite the laws of the country that allowed them in (Amsterdam -- Mohammed cartoons).

Guyana -- Muslim 10%
India -- Muslim 13.4%
Israel -- Muslim 16%
Kenya -- Muslim 10%
Russia -- Muslim 10-15%

After reaching 20% expect hair-trigger rioting, jihad militia formation, sporadic killings, and church and synagogue burning:

Ethiopia -- Muslim 32.8%

At 40% you will find widespread massacres, chronic terror attacks, and ongoing militia warfare:

Bosnia -- Muslim 40%
Chad -- Muslim 53.1%
Lebanon -- Muslim 59.7%

From 60% you may expect unfettered persecution of non-believers and other religions, sporadic ethnic cleansing (genocide), use of Sharia as a weapon, and the jizya tax placed on infidels just for living in their territory:

Albania -- Muslim 70%
Malaysia -- Muslim 60.4%
Qatar -- Muslim 77.5%
Sudan -- Muslim 70%

After the 80% point is reached, time to run, expect state-run ethnic cleansing and genocide:

Bangladesh -- Muslim 83%
Egypt -- Muslim 90%
Gaza -- Muslim 98.7%
Indonesia -- Muslim 86.1%
Iran -- Muslim 98%
Iraq -- Muslim 97%
Jordan -- Muslim 92%
Morocco -- Muslim 98.7%
Pakistan -- Muslim 97%
Palestine -- Muslim 99%
Syria -- Muslim 90%
Tajikistan -- Muslim 90%
Turkey -- Muslim 99.8%
United Arab Emirates -- Muslim 96%

100% will usher in the peace of "Dar-es-Salaam" -- the Islamic House of Peace -- where there's supposed to be peace because everybody is a Muslim:

Afghanistan -- Muslim 100%
Saudi Arabia -- Muslim 100%
Somalia -- Muslim 100%
Yemen -- Muslim 99.9%

Of course, that's not really the case. Islam started in a dark cave, and that's what it draws everybody into. Jesus Christ died to save mankind from its sins and never committed one himself, but Prophet Mohammad sinned every day of the week and twice on Sunday, dirtying his hands with blood, having sex with multiple wives and practicing pedophilia, and teaching violence as the way to Paradise, making a true believer eager to sin to the max and go out killing infidels during a jihad so he can get his mansion in Paradise filled with babes, however stupid that sounds to us Westerners, they will plant bombs in their own butts to get there. To satisfy their blood lust, Muslims merrily kill each other for a variety of reasons, it's like our Western pastime with baseball, score three heads four arms, next inning.

"Before I was nine I had learned the basic canon of Arab life.  It was me against my brother; me and my brother against our father; my family against my cousins and the clan; the clan against the tribe; and the tribe against the world. And all of us against the infidel." -- Leon Uris, The Haj

It is good to remember that in many Western countries such as France, the relatively new Muslim populations live in ghettos based on their ethnicity. Muslims do not integrate into the community at large, they just squat and plot to take over while spreading disinformation to disarm action against them. Working as one, they thus exercise more power than their national percentage would indicate.

Adapted from Dr. Peter Hammond’s book Slavery, Terrorism and Islam: The Historical Roots and Contemporary Threat. "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it" (George Santayana). www.frontline.org.za/books_videos/sti.htm

Muslim Population in European Prisons

Spain - 70%
France - 70%
Switzerland - 57.8% in Champ-Dollon Prison
Norway - Over 30%
Netherlands - 20%
Denmark - 20%
Belgium - 16% (12.8% Moroccans, 3.1% Turks)
Italy - 40% foreigners, 8% Moroccans, 13% other Muslims
England & Wales - 11%
Germany - 18% foreigners, lowest estimate for Muslims - 5%

Source: EUMAP - EU Research program and NEWS

Muslim Demographics for the U.S.

Up to 7 million in the U.S., 1 million in Canada - more than in Norway, Finland, Denmark, Switzerland, and Sweden (same size community as Hispanics 25 years ago).
Annual growth rate: 6% vs. 0.9% for the U.S. general pop.; 4,2 children per family.
Interaction between indigenous and immigrant Muslims is currently limited.
67% of adult American Muslims are under 40 years old, while 67% of the adult American population is over 40 years old.
7% of American Muslims have a bachelor's degree or higher, vs. 44% of Americans.
1 in 10 American Muslim households has a physician or medical doctor.
U.S. average income: $42,158 per year (2000 U.S. Census). 66% of American Muslim households earn over $60,000/year. 26% of American Muslim households earn over $100,000/year.
Mosques in the U.S.: 1,209. American Muslims associated with a mosque: 2 million. Increase in number of mosques since 1994: 25%. Proportion of mosques founded since 1980: 62%. Average number of Muslims associated with each mosque in the U.S.: 1,625 U.S. mosque participants who are converts: 30%.
American Muslims who claim to "strongly agree" with participation in U.S. institutions and the U.S. political process: 70%.

TLW's Islam History Video Lounge

Get Off Your Camel, Kick Off Your Sandals, and Spend Awhile

Want to Do Something About Islam Now or Wait Till Later When They Do Something About You?

Obsession: The Movie. Radical Islam's War Against the West

Robert Spencer's Jihad Watch - the best! Sign up for free email news service.

David Joel Horowitz's FrontPageMag.com - #2, sign up here also

WorldNetDaily - #3, sign up here also

Daniel Pipes' Campus Watch - #4, sign up here too

Sheik Yer'mami- #5, sign up here too

Islamist Watch - #6, sign up here also

Cool Site on the Dangers of Islam to the West

The Third Jihad

Fighting Radical Islam

Counterterrorism Blog

In the Name of Allah - Anti-Islam Site

Shop Shariah Now in the U.S. and Elsewhere

Women Against Sharia

Muslim Fact

Focusing on Islam

American Congress for Truth

Investigate Islam.com

Islam Watch

Islam: Truth or Myth? Christian site

Nazanin Afshin-Jam - Iranian-born Canadian heroine fights Islam's mistreatment of women

Mark Steyn - Canadian journalist warns of coming Muslim takeover of Europe and the U.S.

British National Party - of interest even if you're an American

Infidels Are Cool

Prophet of Doom: Islam's Terrorist Dogma

The Religion of Peace (and a big stack of dead bodies)

Islamic Terrorism in India

EuropeNews

Middle East Forum - good articles on the radical Muslim threat

Great speech by Dutch politician Geert Wilders on the threat of Islam to the West

Trafalgar Club Speech 2009 - How Muslim immigration is destroying Britain

Apollo Speaks - good blog

Crusader Rabbit - another good blog

The Gates of Vienna - another good blog

Counter Jihad: News for Infidels

Tear off the Zunnar

Creeping Sharia

History of Jihad

World Gender Gap Worst in Islamic Nations

Revolutionary Muslim - radical Muslim site calls U.S. traitor Maj. Hasan "an officer and a gentleman" who was settling a score for Muslims everywhere

The World's 500 Most Influential Muslims in 2009 - by the Muslims themselves

Muslim Jokes

MuhammadTube - growing site exposing Islam as mental doodoo

TLW's Historyscoping Home Page - More Historyscopes Free!

TLW's Rockin' 2009 Historyscope - Keep up with 2009

Email TLW with corrections or suggestions at tlwinslow ratatat aol dotdotot com.

T.L. Winslow

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