1. God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). 1:3-5
2. God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8
3. Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11
4. In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14
5. "He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16
6. "And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth." 1:17
7. God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth." 1:28
8. "I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat."
   Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God's advice is more than a little reckless. Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer and smarter than God. 1:29
9. "He rested."
   Even God gets tired sometimes. 2:2
10. "The tree of life ... and the tree of knowledge of good and evil."
    God created two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. Eat from the the first, and you live forever (3:22); eat from the second and you'll die the same day (2:17). (Or that's what God said, anyway. Adam ate from the tree of knowledge and lived for another 930 years or so (5:5). But he never got a change to eat from the tree of life. God prevented him from eating from the tree of life before Adam could eat from the tree, become a god, and live forever.) 2:9
11. God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-20
12. God's clever, talking serpent. 3:1
13. God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with Adam and Eve. 3:8-11
14. God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14
15. God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. 3:17-18
16. God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve. 3:21
17. "Behold, the man is become as one of us."
    God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24
18. Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14
19. "And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16
20. "And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? 4:17
21. Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
22. "And to Seth ... was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? 4:26
23. God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's name was Adam, too! 5:2
24. The first men had incredibly long life spans. 5:5, 5:8, 5:11, 5:14, 5:17, 5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29
25. Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24
26. When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25
27. When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons.
    [Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or several?] 5:32
28. "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men."
    The "sons of God" had sex with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4
29. "The LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh."
    God shortened the human lifespan to 120 years because humans are "flesh" and he was tired of fighting with them. 6:3
30. "There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
31. God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5
32. God repents. 6:6-7
33. "Noah was a just man and perfect."
    Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9, 7:1
34. "Behold, I will destroy them with the earth."
    God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. 6:11-13
35. Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15
36. God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450 foot ark for ventilation. 6:16
37. "And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ... for thee, and for them." 6:21
38. "Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens."
    How did Noah know which animals were "clean" and "unclean" to God? (It wasn't defined until Leviticus was written.) 7:2
39. Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8
40. God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11
41. All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14
42. "And God remembered Noah."
    Yeah. He probably said something like, "Isn't Noah the guy who built the ark?" 8:1
43. "The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
44. Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11
45. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor."
    Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things (6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again (8:21) because humans are evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21
46. According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2
47. "Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered."
    God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
48. God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it, it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again. (Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right. I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something else to do."). 9:9-13
49. "Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."
    Noah, the drunk and naked. 9:20-21
50. The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies (see 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for other examples) that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 10:1-32
51. "Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do."
    God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6
52. God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be, they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and scattering them [humans] abroad. 11:7
53. Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
54. The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they descended) was born. Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7
55. "And Abram fell on his face." 17:3
56. Abraham laughs at God for telling him that he and Sarah will have a child, when they are 100 and 90 years old, respectively. 17:17
57. Abraham circumcises himself and all of the males in his household. Since he supposedly had 318 slaves back in 14:14, poor old Abe must have been pretty busy with his knife. But it was worth it. Penises are supremely important to God. And he can't stand foreskins. 17:23-24
58. Abraham feeds God and three angels. 18:1-4
59. "He took butter, and milk, and the calf ... and they did eat."
    Not a very kosher meal for God and Abraham to eat! (See Exodus 23:19) 18:8
60. Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
61. God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham. 18:17
62. "I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
    I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19. Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32
63. "And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33
64. The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5
65. Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers. 19:8
66. Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
67. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26
68. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38
69. Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.) 20:2
70. "The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
71. These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his father abandoned him, yet according to Gen.17:25 and Gen.21:5-8 he must have been about 16 years old. It must have been tough for poor Hagar to carry Ishmael on her shoulder and to then "cast him under one of the shrubs." 21:14-18
72. Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to Exodus 6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah. 22:14
73. God swears to himself. 22:16
74. Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old (Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children without any help from God. 25:2
75. Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7
76. Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17
77. "She was barren."
    In the Bible it's always the woman that are "barren", never the men. And when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little boys. 25:21-26
78. Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22
79. Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bit of bread and a bowl of lentil soup. 25:33-34
80. Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively on the same king Abimelech. (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7
81. Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and 13:3.) 28:19
82. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30
83. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25
84. "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4
85. Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9
86. Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
87. And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22
88. Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27
89. Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
90. God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12
91. Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30
92. Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob's leg. 32:25
93. God begs Jacobs to let him go, but Jacob says, "Not unless you bless me." So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go. 32:26-29
94. "What is thy name?" (God didn't know Jacob's name.) 32:27
95. God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway. And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28
96. "Tell me, I pray thee, thy name."
    God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It's a secret.) 32:29
97. "Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew ...."
    Jews don't eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob's leg while wrestling with him. (Now that's a good reason!) 32:32
98. "I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God."
    Since Jacob just saw the face of God a few verses ago (Genesis 32:30), he ought to know what God looks like. So now we do too. God looks just like Esau! Which is kind of strange, since God hates Esau. So all those pictures of God that you've seen? They had it all wrong. God is a redhead, just like Esau was. In fact, God is covered with red hair all over his body. 33:10
99. God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10
100. Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't stick. 35:15
101. Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28
102. Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43
103. Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (Gen.14:7) 36:12
104. "He rent his clothes." 37:29
105. "And Jacob rent his clothes." 37:34
106. Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
107. There was a seven year, God-created famine over the entire earth. 41:56
108. "All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn."
     The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. 41:57
109. "And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him."
     Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Bible (and the Quran). 42:8
110. Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15
111. Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28
112. "He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
     Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12